Mom's repsonse about wedding?

Question

My fiance and I are getting married in the summer of '08. We are having financial issues and don't want to spend a lot of money on the wedding, but still would like a nice one. We originally wanted the wedding at 11:30am, but changed it to 2:00pm to have a desert/snack reception instead of a fully catered lunch reception (a lot cheaper, but the snack/deserts will be tasty).

My mom stated she will not invited anyone out of state since we are only holding a snack/desert reception since it didn't pay for them to travel to the wedding and not get served a meal.

I was offended because she made it sound like the wedding wasn't why people were coming out, and she can't understand why I would be offended.

Can anyone offer advise/insight on this?

To add to what I wrote earlier.

1. The invitations have not been sent out yet, but they will include information about the reception. We want to make it clear what will be served.

2. The people my mom wanted to invite are either her friends or cousins (who I have never met).

3. The above people are her invitations since she stated as the mother of the groom she was allowed to invite people regardless what we wanted. (sounds harsh, but I didn't know how else to phrase it).

Answer 1

I think you Mom is wrong on this. You should be free to invite anyone/everyone regardless of where they are from.
I understand her point. If the majority of people are travelling from far, it would be the best to provide them a meal.
You do need to make it clear on your invitation that "dessert & Hors d'ourves reception to follow" (or something to that effect) so your guests understand what they are getting from your reception and plan according.
My opinion is this - - so long as you inform your guests, you are doing no harm! If they are unwilling to travel because you are not paying an exhorbitant amount of money to feed them a meal, then maybe they aren't the supportive group of family/friends that they really ought to be. And would you really want them at your wedding anyway.

Answer 2

She's part of a different generation. I think they tend to be more practical. I do find it weird that she said she could invite anyone she wants to your wedding. She might be embarrased because she was going to invite these friends of hers and she feels without a meal it's not a real reception. I think that also is old-fashioned thinking.

I have been living in the south for three years now and found here they do something called "heavy hors d'oeuvres" So far every wedding I have went to is like that and they are formal. I don't know if this is a new or old tradition here but I know up north it would be considered skimpy and they'd expect a cocktail hour too.

Don't take her comments personally since i can be a generational thing but address the things you feel you need to. It's not worth putting a damper over your festivities.

Answer 3

There are several points here:
1) If the couple is paying for the wedding and reception, it is the couple who decides the guest list.
2) The wedding is for the family and friends to witness the union. If you have never met these people, it is not for a parent to include them in the list.
3) No, a meal at a reception is not to reimburse someone for attending a wedding. Guests should never expect to be reimbursed for their time and travel. That would make them an employee.

As for what to do with Mom: simply tell her that you would like for her to have someone special for her there and who would would she like to invite. And no, she should not be inviting several distant family members and friends. 1-3 people is enough. If she says that the reception isn't what she wants for her guests then tell her "OK then I guess that makes the list complete and the invitations will be mailed". It is her choice to do without guests.

Answer 4

Hi and congratulations!

I am totally with you on this.

First of all, your mom should not dictate to you who you should invite and not invite. An invitation is simply that....an invitation to an event. I LOVE the ceremony part. People seem to have that confused now a days and only want the reception part. The most important reason of the day is to witness two individuals joined in marriage.

I say go ahead and invite the out of state people. Let THEM decide if they want to attend or not.

To clear up any confusion that your guests may have....I would indicate on your invitation (or separate reception card) something to the effect of "snacks and desserts will follow the ceremony at [venue].

Good luck it sounds perfect!

Answer 5

In a way your mother is right. Some people won't want to fly across country to attend a wedding that is only a few hours long and will only offer snacks.

However, that decision should be up to them....not something you make yourself. Send invitations to anybody you would like to come and make sure that you put on invitations "Dessert reception to follow" or "hors d' ovures to follow"

You should be putting this anyway. It's all very utopic to say "they should be coming to see our wedding, not for free food!" but the reality is that with all the extreme costs of traveling it's nice to have one day where you don't have to provide for yourself. Be honest with your guests about what will and won't be provided and don't look down on them or assume they "aren't supportive" and "don't care" if they don't wish to spend tons of time and money for a finger sandwich and a slice of cake.

Answer 6

Tell her that you want to invite out of state guests as well as local guests. Its the out of state guests decision if they want to spend the money to come and witness your day. Just make sure on the reception invite you specify the type of reception you are having. But now a days receptions like yours are very very common. I think your mom is just a little bit old fashioned or unreasonable. Take your pick.

Answer 7

I'm with melofous. Yes, you mom's choice of words may not have been the best, but in a way, she's right.

If someone will spend a good chuck on cash travelling out of state, the least you can do is to properly accomodate them and offer them a full meal. If you are having a small, modest wedding then there is no need in including out of towners unless they are inmediate family.

I'm sure that your menu will be lovely, but be considerate with people that will have to spend around $1000 to attend your wedding, so if is a rather small affair, I would said that for the sake of fairness, do not invite them.

Good luck

Answer 8

If she has a problem with what you are planning to serve at your wedding then she should pay for the fully catered lunch. If I were you I would just let her know that you are offended by her decision. Let her know that her guests are more than welcome to come but that this day is about your marriage not about entertaining her friends. She should invite the people she wants to invite and allow them to decide if they think it is "worth it" to go to YOUR WEDDING!

Answer 9

I see both of your points. Maybe you can have a family get together for the out-of-towners the next day, like a luau or something. Even if you go with a dessert reception, they should still be invited and make up their own mind.

Answer 10

I get what she is trying to say, even if it wasn't tactful. Those from out of town would be spending a good buck to get to your wedding, between travel costs and hotel, etc. Typically, people expect a certain something to be provided in exchange for this--its just how it is. I'm sure your treats will be great, but I can also see how someone who travelled a great distance might feel put out they came all that way, and you didn't even give them lunch.

Those cousins wouldn't want to come anyway if they never even met you.