Help! My son who I haven't seen in 12 years was brought to me by police. Help!?

Question

Ok this is what happened. 12 years ago I divorced my husband we had a 2 year old boy at the time. I was unwell in hospital ( I had an ongoing problem that lasted 5 years) and was deemed unfit to care for our son, so my husband was given full custody and he moved to the other side of the country. I hadn't seen or herd from either my son or husband for 12 years when last week the police called. My son had been arrested 6 times in the last year, mostly for stealing and being a public nuisance. My ex husband had been warned several times but did not seem to do something about it. So either I had to take him or he would be put in a detention center. I decided to take him. I have had him for two days. I don't know how my ex husband brought him up but he is one angry, frightened, confused and very rude 14 year old. Already he has thrown several plates and cups at walls, has called me several swear words and tried to run away. I think it is my ex husbands fault but I don't know what to do.

I don't think it is all my husbands fault I think I am to blame to as well. There is no mental illness involved. I fell terrible for not having him in my life before now. Some of my friends think he should go to a detention center but I think that would just make it worse. I think he is missing love in his life.

Answer 1

I must admit, it is going to be hard. Due to the fact you where not so much a part of his life.
Yet I feel you should sit with your son and let him know you are there for him.
No one is to blame, be strong.

Answer 2

Assess your resources. Does your employer have an Employee Referral program, counseling benefits, insurance benefits that you can use? If so, take advantage of them.
Do you have friends experienced with raising adolescents? If so, get some mentoring and a friendly shoulder to cry on, if that can be arranged.
Do you have family nearby? Are you an active member of a church? If not, consider joining - you're going to need help and an extended social net, if you can get it. Raising a troubled teen will take a lot of energy, work, and emotion, and it can take the life right out of you if you let it. Make sure you keep enough space for yourself that you can survive, even if that just means a half hour at night after he goes to bed to read the paper and watch the news, or maybe a night out every couple of weeks, make sure you don't neglect yourself, or you'll be unable to help him in the long run.

Try to set clear expectations, and communicate effectively - good luck, since teens can be quite sullen and non-communicative.

You're likely dealing with a whole host of issues, figure out what has to be addressed, the life or death stuff - running away, destructive behavior - and clearly explain that the behavior simply must stop. If pushed - "Oh yeah, what are you going to do about it?" explain that if he refuses to keep it under control you will have to call the police, and neither of you wants that to happen.

Once you get a little settled, you can start working on the important but perhaps not life and death issues - school, structure such as chores and expectations, swearing, when he showers, etc.

Hopefully fairly soon you can focus on positive stuff - what does he want to do? Is he into sports, music, movies, video games, internet chatting, my space? He's at an age where he can just about literally do and become almost anything he wants, if he wants it badly enough to work hard enough for it. Figuring out what turns his crank, gets him motivated, engaged and talking, is one of your priorities. You need to get a handle on the kid, figure out what motivates and what de-motivates him, and help him learn to get much more out of life than he's been getting so far.

Remember that you are an experienced adult, and should be able to mostly stay a step or two ahead of him, and that every child deserves our unconditional love. Good luck, you'll need it.

Answer 3

I realize that most people will say that you are to share in the blame, but speaking as a member of generation X, I know PLENTY of people that grow up without one parent or the other, and they turn out fine. If he has had one parent and that parent didn't do his job properly, then that can account for his problems. And before everyone starts complaining- come on, at 14 a kid should not have a police record!
I realize that you feel guilt for not being in your kid's life, but unless you have other children, there's no way that you can learn to be the parent he needs you to be overnight. He will look at you and say, you havn't been in my life for 12 years and you want to start now? He needs counseling, and fast. Hopefully with professional intervention, he will realize that the way he is running his life is not the right way. I think he is still young enough where he can be straightened out- he needs someone in his life that loves him. If he is throwing things that could indicate a violent temper, and that could make him a danger in your home. There is always boot camp/ military school. He needs to learn that he has problems, and he cannot control his situation, but he cannot just do whatever he wants.

Answer 4

First of all you have no idea what he has been through in his life. Set up counseling if he is willing to go. Be totally honest about the situation. Tell him you love him and are sorry that you were too sick to be there for him. Tell him you want to be there now and help him have a successful life. Ask him if he can give you the chance to do that. His anger may stem from feeling abandoned by you even though you do not see it that way. It also could stem from things his father did or did not do. He is just as scared and confused as you are. Blame is not going to solve it. Love, patience, and professional counseling. I will pray that he comes around. I have noticed that yelling does not work with children. If they have a conscience, making them feel guilty for being mean to you rather than flipping out on them works better. Good Luck

Answer 5

Most likely he had a really bad childhood.

This will be difficult so expect to have lots of conflict but in the end, it will be worth the trouble, headaches and heartaches.

First, sit down and talk to him. Try to get to know him. What does he want? What are his expectations? Why is he angry? You need to understand him.

After assessing the situation, you then need to put an agreement between you two. Here, it's give and take. So set the house rules, curfew, the rewards for achieving his goals, school, etc.

Every week, follow-up and check his progress. If he doesn't deliver don't scold. Tell him to try harder, use positive approach. Don't scold or criticize. Each success give some small incentive and build his confidence.

The main point is do not be his parent in one shot. You need to be his friend first and work it from there. Right now you're still a stranger and you need to break a few bad habits.

The best time to communicate is during dinner so always require to have dinner together. Always bring up good topics like his hobbies, plans, etc. Do not bring bad news during dinner. If he brings bad news do not reach negatively, be positive (ok, let's think of a solution). You need him to open up and be honest with you.

As for you, set an example. Do not do anything you do not want him to do. Always be calm and be in control (if you flip, you just lost control). Always establish eye contact, do not move aggressively or speak harshly.

If you have more question, feel free to email me (check my profile). Hope this helps.

Answer 6

Well, as long as he can remember, you haven't been around. That's kind of hard to go through. I never really knew my mother, not because she didn't have anything to do with me, but she passed away when I was a baby. I wasn't as angry as your son, but I was pretty angry at one time. Especially when I was a teenager and felt I needed my mother the most.

It's even worse that he's a teenager. He's most likely very angry at you even if it is or isn't your fault. It also could have something to do with how he was raised, but I think the most of it is him just being angry that you were never around.

Try to bond with him. Maybe explain to him why he never really knew you. If that doesn't work, I suggest counseling. That could help.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Okay, the 12 years gone by are just that gone, obviously, your husband, didn't do such a good job. Now is your chance, sure your son is angry, confused, etc., he is just a child, embrace him as best you can, hold your ground as a parent and immediately seek professional counseling for both you and him. Lets not toss blame around, lets just try to do the best for your son, who only deserves the best. God Bless.

Answer 8

So, don't be an enabler. That's his problem.
Ask him what his home was like living with his father. Did Dad drink, smoke, do drugs, give him drugs, beat him, leave him alone. He is obviously maladjusted. He requires intervention. He is terrorizing you in your own home. Probably could use a hospital stay. That's the hoity-toity way around it. Or, you can put up with the abuse, enabling him further, making matters worse. A hospital stay is better in the long-run than a group home, jail or state prison. What's worse, you could be beaten- up or ... I would not feel sorry for him. I would take action. You don't even know this guy from Joe-Shmo.

Your all lucky I took the time for everyone to maybe learn from this. If your poor little ears can't stand the truth, then you're lost too. Do you think that effects me? You don't pay my bills...

YOU DON"T THINK HE IS SYMPTOMATIC?


YOU ARE IN DENIAL, AT BEST : ) ,
A TRAIT OF AN ENABLER...


All I'm reading here are excuses. There is no excuse for him to be abusive towards his mother, nor towards any other woman. You'll never see any grandkids, that way. Ha Ha.
(UNLESS HE FINDS SOME STUPID ENABLING ***** WHO WILL PICK UP WHERE GOOD OL' MOM LEFT OFF.)
HA HA lol!!!! That's even funnier.

Oh, he needs love from his enabling Mommy. Sounds like a classic case of psychological incest brewing, to me.

Oh, he'll really resent you for that, perhaps even take it to the limit and become a serial killer or a mass murderer. You know, kid with no friends, Columbine, etc. Wow...

Or you can get him a computer and let him talk to us. I don't know what could be worse from what I read here sometimes-- anyone can own a computer.

Help, Help, Help.

This Lady has 1 question in her profile. What did she do run out and buy a computer to send us this pathetic distress?

My 45 minutes is up. Group is over. Everyone have a good night.

Baile says it so nicely. But I know what you're about and what you're dealing with. God Forbid if it blossoms!!!!!! :0

And I am only a fraction of a micron away from agreeing with Kemora. Kemora that is just wrong. You can't beat the boy. A kid like that? He needs help. That's what he needs. Help. Help. Help. Ha ha ha... ; 0

Answer 9

I think you should go alongto the doctors and get some advice andsee what is available, i know i was take away from my mom as a kid and when given back8 years later i was that same angry child but obviously its easier to have an angry 8year old than an angry teenager with hormones in the way as well.
Nothing helped me or my um when wewere put back ogether and we were at each others throats until i moved out and now were as close as anything, she proved to me she did want me, she showed me love nd understanding and she made time for me,, it took 8 years to put things right but 8 years of well invested time as now i have a mum and she has her daughter back.
It wont happen over night, be firm, but be fair forget your weeknd plans concerntrate on him, maybe sit down and play on hiscomputer console with him, play board games, get in a pizza and his choice of movie,,, give him time and give him unlimited unconditional love and he will come round. I feel for you cos i knwo the obstacles we had to overcome to be close again and there were plenty of tears along the way, plenty of tings sai im sure both me and my mother regret, plenty of police presece when i totally went over board etc.. dont hate him when hehurts yu he has no reason to trust you, as far as he is concerned his mother didnt want him even if you know thats not true that will be how he feels, he will push and push your boundaries but you need to keep showing hi love and understand him and his pain

Answer 10

Wow. First things first, take a deep breath. You don't know what this poor kid has been though. Be kind and loving, try to get him to talk to you. Ask him what it was like to live with his dad. Tell him you are sorrie for not being in his life and that you love him and want a chance to do better if he will let you. Although his body may be almost fully grown at 14 his mind is still developing, so he is still a kid and you need to be really understanding. Get him to play a sport as a positive way of channeling his negative felling. If need be take him to counseling, but don't force him tell him that it may really help you both connect. Take him to fun places and get to know him. With all that said don't let him be abusive there still needs to be rules. You have been given a second chance to be a parent to your son. Don't let it slip you by! Good luck.

Answer 11

i think that is going to be a very hard things for both of you. he hasnt seen or heard from you in 12 years either and that might be where some of his anger comes from. my babys dad has a mother that kinda turned her back on him when he was very young and he is a very angry person now. you might want to try to bond with him as much as possible but still make sure you give him his space. i remember being 14 (im 18 now) and i know i needed my space from my parents. dont let him do whatever he wants but dont give him alot of rules either. remember he really doesnt know you and wasnt raised by you so if you give him alot of rules and try to force a relationship on him he might act out more. you did the right thing by taking him though. its going to be hard but nothing in life that is worth having is easy. try to relax. take a deep breath, you can get through this hard time and at the end you may have a relationship you never thought you would with him. he might not be for it but try to get him to go to counseling just bring that up and see how he reacts dont do something drastic like make an appointment for him to go. bring up the idea about putting him in boxing or something so he can get out some of his anger and frustrations in a healthy way. see what he enjoys doing and get some ideas from that. the best thing you might be able to do now is just counseling and some kind of agressive sport. if it helps him cool down it will be alot easier to talk to him and try to get close to him. i hope this helped. GOOD LUCK!!!