Ladies, when a guy takes you out on a date do you expect him to pay for EVERYTHING?

Question

I overheard my husband and one of his friends talking on the phone. I couldn't hear what my husband's friend was saying, but based on what my husband was saying I could tell how the conversation was going. My husband's friend was talking about some girl he is taking on date or something. Then I heard my husband say "Well tell her you'll pay for dinner and she can pay for the movie". Is it me or is that just plain cheap? Sad thing is, when I met my husband he wasn't financially able to take me anywhere so we rarely went on dates. Three years later that still bothers me, so when I heard him telling his friend that I thought ... what a cheap ***.

His friend is 38 years old, single, no kids, without a woman and he wonders why.

Answer 1

That is a touchy question. I am "old school" and was brought up that the man pays. But I know times have changed and things are different today.

Here is the new etiquette on paying for dates: (It's from Emily Post - the 'authority' on etiquette). The person who does the asking is the person who pays. Simple. Unless a different arrangement is made beforehand, of course.

When I was younger, women did not ask men out. So there was little problem deciding who paid. Today, if a woman asks a man out, she pays. And vice versa.

Hope that helps.

Answer 2

Personally I would pay for everything (if I have money) but only if the girl is for sure interested in me....But if this a ONLY-friends date then is OK to share the costs (not fun to waste your money on a girl that doesn't care about you).

On the other hand some girls hate to be paid for everything on the first dates (may be because they don't want to feel like the OWN something to the guy if they decide the guy is not worth a second date). In this case they should be the ones making the offer of helping with the bills.

Some guys also hate to try to pay for everything because sometimes they a get a turn down in public and they feel embarrassed.

In my opinion the best thing is to ask her on advance if she is OK with the guy paying for everything or not; if she accept or refuse then there will be no surprises or misunderstandings.

Answer 3

Perhaps his friend has financial committments you are unaware of? Or maybe the woman in question wants to go 'dutch' and he wants to be a little more generous.

It's truly hard to say with only hearing half a conversation, so try not to think too badly of him.

It's a changing world, and where once a girl or woman would expect a man to pay her way entirely, today many women choose to share the bill for various reasons.

One is, of course, that some (not all) men 'expect' something 'for their money', so sharing the bill guarantees no pressure of that kind can be exerted.

Others know how hard it is to make ends meet, for many reasons ~ even without a family and kids people have expenses which are not always obvious.

For example, your hubby was financially stretched when you met, but that doesn't mean he was a bad person, he just had bad financial timing, to meet the love of his life when he was broke!

You managed to see how great he was despite the lack of finances ~ your hubby's friend may be looking for the same chance with his girl :-)

Cheers :-)

Answer 4

I think Susan got it EXACTLY right: what a guy wants to do on the first (or second, or third) date is a strong indication of type of interest and level of interest. And my experience is the same as hers; after many years of trying to be "fair" by offering to split tabs, or pay for part of a date, I discovered that I was miscommunicating and misunderstanding. It took a guy who was very confident and VERY open to explain this to me (for which I am truly grateful!) I don't think all guys realize what they are doing, but John Gray (author of the Mars, Venus books) pretty much got it right: if a guy is genuinely interested, he WANTS to pay, because paying is "providing". And if he doesn't want to, it means he just doesn't want to...get it? If you want to reciprocate, don't offer to split the bill, find some other time/place/way to even out the spending, and let the date be a "date". (I'll bring a good wine...cook dinner...get tickets to a concert or some future event. My guy still gets a little touchy if I offer to pay for dinner. But those other things are OK, so I use them to even things out over time. I'm as feminist/independent/pro-equal rights as anyone...but I've learned my lesson on this one!
And if you are unsure if it is a "date", why not ask? Yeah, women in the workforce has changed things. Fellow students, work colleagues and pals just do stuff together, and it may or may not be a "date". So why not just ask and get some things straight from the start?

Answer 5

As we don't know why your husband's friend is talking about who pays what, please don't consider him cheap until you know. Whoever does the inviting pays the bill, unless, of course, the date offers to pay for a portion. I don't think a first date is the time for the invitation to come with an "I cannot afford both the movie and dinner will you chip in?"
As you are still bothered by your husband being broke and unable to take you out, the time is now for him to ask you for a date! Lots of married couples have a date night - go for it.

Answer 6

Why should a guy pay for it all? Unless the guy is loaded and the girl is not - share the expenses of the date.

I can see where you don't chip in when you are being taken out for a birthday or maybe even a first date - but good grief - it is an outdated notion that guys pay for it all.

You wonder why you didn't go on dates with your husband - maybe if you had chipped in or gone dutch you might have dated more.

If you are still bothered by this, I am surprised your marriage has lasted 3 years. He doesn't sound cheap - he sounds reasonable to me - you on the other hand sound like a b--ch.

Answer 7

I know it said ladies but i just couldnt help myself. The way i was raised was to always pay the tab whether it be drinks, date, lunch, or girlfriend - wives are given! I never expect the woman to pay the tab or split it, then again sometimes it would be a nice gesture for a woman to at least offer although i would never take her up on it. In my experience there are some woman that expect the man to pay for everything, sorry ladies but that's just wrong (ie. nails, hair, bills etc.). Most guys want to know that a woman is interested in them, not their money. Like i said before sometimes its the gesture that goes along way. In this day and age there are more golddiggers then ever, i find myself hesitating to bring a woman home simply because of their reactions, you can almost see the $$ signs in their eyes. Maybe you should ask your husband instead of jumping to conclusions, remember the saying believe nothing of what you hear and half of what you see, things aren't always what you think they are...I apologize for any intrusions ladies just had to add my 2cents....I hope theres no hard feelings....
-Truth-

Answer 8

I once went out with a guy and when I offered to contribute to the dinner bill, said that offering to pay is offensive to men. That was maybe 7 years ago, and I think that the thing was that in his personal opinion, since he made a lot of money, he liked being the dominant male and paying, opening doors, etc. I think that most guys do it to be nice, not because of women's lib. They like a girl and they want to show her a nice time, take her out to a nice dinner. In that, I think the "modern man" would be totally ok with a girl striking a deal to paying for the movie if he pays for dinner, etc. I think the etiquette is that whoever asks pays, but I don't think that applies to all people and all financial situations. I think we are in a time where women should always carry cash on a date, and offer to pay for things if only to be nice. A nice guy probably won't let her pay anyway.

Answer 9

I'm inclined to agree with the person who said that she goes dutch on a first date. I've been out of the dating pool a while now but my gut feeling is that why should one person be expected to pay for everything if both parties have good incomes? When I dated my husband, we were both students and took turns in paying for drinks etc. and paid our own ways if we caught buses, trains etc.
Then again, I'm the odd one, who holds as many doors open as are opened for me...for both men and women.
I feel paying my own way on a date gives me the freedom to decide what comes next. My daughter takes it one step further, refusing to let most dates even pick her up in their cars. She takes her own car, pretty well all the time and maintains total control of her dating situation that way.
All that said...if your husband's friend was taking this girl out on a first date...he should be prepared to offer to pay the lot perhaps, not just part...but if the girl has any real substance...she would offer to pay something.

Answer 10

I used to always offer to pay half, including on a first date. To me, a date is about two people getting to know each other, not getting a free dinner, and I thought my offer reflected that. But then I asked my male friends what they thought, and to my great surprise, all of them said that my gesture to pay half gave the guy the signal that I wasn't romantically interested, and also that if the guy actually took me up on it on the first date, he was a jerk and not all that seriously interested in me. At first I thought that was ridiculous, but then I started to think about it, and realized that all of the nice guys I'd dated in the past had insisted on paying for at least the first date, and the ones who had taken me up on the offer to go dutch often turned out to be jerks. Hmmmmm -- coincidence? So now, I let the guy pay for everything for the first date, but only if I am interested in a second date. Then I thank him and say that I'd like to take him out the next time (the best response I ever got to that was "I'll let you take me out for the 4th date, but not the first three.")

So yeah, nowadays I expect that if he asks me out, he's going to pay for the first date. After the first date (or maybe two or three, if the guy insists), then things should even out. Somehow, things just go better that way. I definitely don't expect the guy to pay for everything throughout a relationship though. To me, that's just not fair.