my parents adopted my son?

Question

and he is 4 they had his sence he was 3 months old, he is a great kid very smart and nothing wrong with him. the reason i desided to ask them to adopt my son was because i felt i wasnt ready to care for a baby i also had manic postpardom, and was diginosed with really bad bipolar disorder, so i felt caring for the baby at that time wasnt right for me, they agreed, well he is now 4 years old and is learn mom and dad my parents dont teach him that they are grandpa and grandma, so he calls them mom and dad. ive asked my parents to plz stop and to teach him they pretty much told me that i am no longer his mother and to just wait till him is older to learn that, im very depressed about this and i dont get to see him much, what should i do? or what do you think about this?

also my parents changed the babys named from what i named him because my mom wanted me to name him anthony and i named him joel so she changed it to anthony.

remember ive got metal issues that i have to deal with im not asking for the baby back im asking for my parents to teach the baby who i am.

Answer 1

I was raised by my fathers parents. Thankfully, they never hid the truth from me though. I've always said one of the things I was most grateful for was that I never had to find out they were not my mom and dad. A kid I grew up with was also raised by his grandparents, and he wasn't told until the day his "dad" died that it wasn't really his father, but his grandfather that died. Can you imagine being 12, losing your father and on top of that finding out you're adopted, your parents are your grandparents, your siblings are your aunt and mother and your nieces and nephews are your siblings and cousins? I hope I never in my life have to see someone deal with that pain ever again. Perhaps you could tell your parents about me and my friend. Let them know that even though I knew all along that I was being raised by my grandparents and not my actual parents that I was okay and it never made me love them less. It didn't change the parent/child dynamic. It wasn't too confusing for me to understand, it was just normal. My friend on the other hand had problems ever trusting his family again, and felt deeply embarrassed and hurt that everyone knew except him. Even if your son doesn't find out at such a tragic time, it would still be painful to find out and probably cause him to lose trust in all of you for at least awhile. This is his life, he deserves to know the truth about it. The longer its put off, the more its going to hurt when he finds out. He's still young enough now to where you can start mentioning it and it'll become normal, but you should all act fast. I wouldn't make a big serious production out of it either, I would just begin to say things like oh, see that woman over there with the big belly? She's got a baby in her belly! Do you know whose belly you were in when you were a baby? You were in ______'s belly! Or look at that little boy with his mommy, I bet his mommy loves him SO much! You know how many mommys you have? Two! Thats right, your mommy ______ had you in her belly and gave birth to you (maybe pause to explain what birth is) and then mommy _______ adopted you and became your mommy! And both really love you so much. (maybe pause to explain what adopted is). He should also be told that his original name is Joel. I would tell him in the same manner. Maybe turn it on Talk Soup one night and when they say Joel McHale go oh Joel is such a nice name, did you know Joel was the name that ______ gave you when you were born? But when you got a new mommy, you got a new name too, which is Anthony. Anthony is a great name too. And if he says well, if Joel is so great then why didn't you just keep that name? Then I can't help you because obviously he's a smart kid and I think he's right.
Your son is not going to care that you are bi-polar. He's going to want to know you and love you and he'll need you to be there to answer questions and talk about his history. I would've given anything in this world if my mom had been there when I was little so I could've known her, loved her and been able to ask her things. Yes, I loved my grandparents tremendously, and I do consider them to have been my parents (they have passed on now), but the fact that they raised me did not change the fact that I still needed my mother. Do everything you can to be in his life more often. Perhaps they are scared you will tell him the truth. Maybe if you let them hear my story about me and my friend they will understand the need to tell him ASAP and then they will let you be around him more. If you or your parents want to talk to me, you can email me. My email is on my profile.

Answer 2

I think it's a little confusing because first, your parents did adopt him so in a sense it is their son now. On the other hand if I had adopted my daughters son, I would teach him that I was grandma from the start. I would have never of changed the name. You were going through a lot when you had him it sounds like and you asked your parents to adopt him not strangers. You are still there to see him still, that's good that way when he does learn the truth, he will know that you were there. There are some parents that adopt out their kids and never look back. Be grateful for now that you can see him and know how he is doing weather that just wonder where he is and if he has a good life. Sorry I wasn't much help.
Good Luck

Answer 3

i'm sorry for what you've been through. your genetic disorders are just that, genetic. chances are that one of your parents, and your child may suffer from the same thing. somehow you've been labeled the "problem".

all i can say is that you need to educate your parents on the harm this could have to your son. get a counselor involved. this will come as a tremendous blow to your son when he finds out. it is these situations in particular, where the child learns the truth that i have seen the most dire consequences. a counselor needs to be involved. what is going on his so mentally unhealthy and disturbing, that i hate to see how this is going to effect the child when he finds out. there's nothing wrong with the truth.

it sounds like you're the mentally stable one here. you're parents are creating a time bomb. literally. please seek counseling.

he has been adopted, but to lie about who you are and the whole situation is just absurd.

bet wishes.

Answer 4

This is so sad. I have helped my children out with their children .I'm a grandmother not stepping overboard. This child needs to be told who you are and the sooner the better. All children need to know where they came from. You child will find out about this one day and is going to be hurt that they kept this from him. And your parents are wrong if they wanted a child like that they should have adopted one that wasn't in the family. I feel for you because i think your parents just wanted another baby and took yours.

Answer 5

I do not judge you for your decision to have your parents adopt your son. I think it sounds like that was a good decision for your son to have a stable upbringing. However, because your parents have adopted him, I think they should be able to exercise the same rights that parents have. I think that it is only right that they call your parents mom and dad, so that it is less confusing for him and he is just like the other little kids at school. He will get to know you and the situation when he is older, but try to let your parents do everything they can to give him a normal life. It is definitely hard on you not to be recognized as mom, but that is something you have to give up in doing what is right. Good luck to you.

Answer 6

I really think your parents should reconsider telling him who you are. Children need to know these things from the beginning it helps them to understand their own reality.

I am really not trying to frighten you with this information but perhaps it would be helpful to share with your parents the experiences of other people who were adopted by their grandparents and led to believe they were there parents only to discover the truth when they were older. Ted Bundy is a particularly famous case.

Please let your parents know that they are doing this child a disservice in lying to him about who they are to him.

Answer 7

Adoption can be very confusing for a child of that age...my son is 4 and we adopted him at birth. Over time they can explain things to him but it needs to be age appropriate. By age 18 he should know the whole story. My son has a picture of his birthmom in his room but he doesn't really understand who she is yet.
I think you parents need to be honest that he's adopted, explain adoption to him. He should atleast know that you are his birthmom.
I've read the other posts and I agree that you should get to see your son more...these are your parents, not strangers.

Answer 8

except your ex-female buddy had her parental rights taken away thoroughly. meaning she has no authentic on your son what so ever you could't without her consent enable your mothers and fathers undertake him. whether, in case you reside which incorporate your mothers and fathers and that they are helping you out in this tough patch i do no longer see why the decide could eliminate him out of your custody. as long using fact the baby has sufficient look after, food, scientific care and supervision the courtroom often will enable the baby stay the place he/she is. one greater ingredient. you're dealing with a coarse spot. it gets greater helpful, do no longer provide up your baby even on your mothers and fathers because of this. this is extremely admirable which you're elevating your son attain out for help. you're in titled to baby help out of your ex-female buddy. you additionally can report for scientific tips, food stamps and welfare. Please do no longer look down on those useful classes. They have been designed for the tough patches. I wish you and your son each and all the main suitable. D & G presents etc

Answer 9

Wow, what a sad story! I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I think your parents are wrong. Technically, yes, they are your son's mom and dad since they adopted him. But for him not to know who his birth mother is when you are actually a member of their family is just sad and wrong. You don't mention how old you are or if you still live with your parents -- not that either of those matter. It just makes me wonder if you have to live in the same house with the child you gave birth to and pretend EVERY DAY that you are his sister. I honestly don't know what to tell you; I just wanted to offer you some empathy and support.

Answer 10

Dear Hynita,

I feel for you because adoption does cause pain and suffering for both the children and for the mothers involved.

I suspect what you probably meant to happen was for your parents to have temporary GUARDIANSHIP of your son until the time you could resume your parental duties.

Was it discussed at the time whether you intended for them to have temporary or permanent custody of your son while you were unable? Most grandparents would just step up and help their daughter in need, without expecting to become the child's permanent parents. I agree with you that changing his name was completely uncalled for. Many people, perhaps yourself included, do not realize that adoption and guardianship are not the same thing. Adoption is meant to be permanent. It's possible you were misinformed or misled then.

I'm assuming all the court papers are finalized? If that's the case, you unfortunately really do not have much legal recourse. You do not mention where the child's father is in all this, and whether he was adviced of his child being legally adopted by your parents. All I can suggest now is to stay involved in your son's life and make sure he knows how much you love him. You should also try to find a support group for first moms. That can really help because I do not think you will find the type of support you need at home. When he is 18, he will legally be able to decide for himself who he wishes to have relationships with.

Finally, you asked us what our opinions are of this? I agree with you that the child should not be deceived about who you are. In the long run, he could end up resenting your parent's deception when he finds out the real story. Do your parents want him to believe that they gave birth to him and that they are his biological parents? I disagree with that.

Good luck Hynita,

julie j
reunited adoptee