How can a mother choose to place her baby due to poverty? Is it an unwillingness to seek help or pride?

Question

As an adoptee - I know how profoundly the loss of mother affects one, throughout many stages of life. I wouldn't wish this on ANYONE. As a child I was so lonely for her, but I kept my hurt hidden and many people probably would have used me as an example of a kid who was happy being adopted.

As a mother I can't imagine how I would go through life without my baby. I am the only one who can really intuit exactly what he needs. My body provides him with just the right nutrients for his growing body. I am the one who can calm him just by holding him in my arms.

I've learned how inexpensive babies really can be - I reasearched the benefits of breastfeeding, co-sleeping and cloth diapering and found them to be the best parenting choices I could make. It also happens they are very inexpensive. Perhaps the best things in life really are free.

Do mothers underestimate how utterly important they are to their babies? Why don't they understand that STUFF is no substitute for themselves?

Thank you for the thoughtful answers, but sadly I see some didn't understand or READ my question. I was only questioning why poverty was a reason to surrender. Some went off on tangents about drug use and abuse...while others felt entittiled to postulate my life was rotten, and that I'm bitter and ungratful... HUH?
Anyway, Cheryl I am so sorry for your loss, things sure were different 30 years ago and certainly I wasn't placing any blame or judgements....My question was meant to address the present day, there are so many resourses for moms in need. Why would poverty be a reason to place? There are support systems in place. While there are MANY sources of help, I am only going to list one, because this link lists many resources further down it's page.

http://www.motherhelp.info

Answer 1

I was made to feel so selfish for not placing my son at birth. The guilt everyone put on me was astounding. During the teen years everything appears to be a major crisis, fights with friends and boyfriends, getting grounded, not going to a dance etc, etc. Finding myself pregnant really was a big deal and I was unprepared to deal with it alone, in the end I did but I really could have used some support. I think that for young moms the stigma attached to parenting can be too much to bear. When a 30 year old finds herself parenting solo there is not nearly so much negativity involved. In your teens and early twenties everyone and their dog has an opinion on what is "best for the baby". For me, personally, it just became too much to bear and late in my pregnancy I became very introverted and stopped talking to all but two friends and one extended family member, hardly a decent support system. Had I not done this I doubt that I would have brought my son home from the hospital. This is just my story though.

I think, often, young women turn to crisis centers and pregnancy counselling organizations when they find out they are expecting. While many of these places are very trustworthy and will outline and give info on ALL the choices available, many are very pro adoption and they push the idea of a two parent "forever" family down these poor girls throats. Just the thought of some poor girl finding out she is pregnant and then having adoption shoved on her in the same moment is brutal to say the least. They are trusting these places to help them make a life changing decision and what they get is someone else's agenda pushed on them. If the first place they turn to is advocating for adoption then perhaps they aren't looking to other places for more information. Ignorance is allowed to blind them into believing that adoption is truly the best choice. It is often made out to be a silver lining in the darkest cloud these girls have ever faced. I doubt that many who go into these centres are told anything about the resources available to them should they decide to parent. If one isn't aware of assistance how does one obtain it?


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OMG! When will people stop telling us we are ungrateful for seeking out our natural families??? No child on this planet needs to be grateful to have parents. And no adoptees needs to be grateful for being adopted, that is just horse feathers.

As for the abortion crap, again NO adoptees needs to feel blessed to not have ended up in a medical waste receptical. That is like telling every person alive to feel blessed they weren't miscarried. GAHHHH!!!

Answer 2

It's a lack of options. Things today are not as they were years ago. My mother's best friend became pregnant at 15 and she gave the baby up for adoption. In 1976 in the rural south there were not gov't programs for teen moms, few GED programs or alternative schools, there were no efforts made to encourage parenting, and fathers were not held accountable as they are today. She went to a "home" and had a baby and a state case worker walked out with it the next day. That's how it was. These days, that wouldn't happen. Now she's part of our extended family but her mother's life STILL is not stable enough to support a relationship with her.

Poverty is different than not being able to provide your children with "stuff". Love does not keep the lights on and heat in the house. I'm sure no woman gives up a child without a sense of loss.

Answer 3

as a first mom, i can tell you that no one informed me on how i could possibly raise a child on my own. i had no family, financial, or emotional support. coming from an upper middle class family, i didn't know anything about being able to get housing, food stamps, and all those things. those were just completely foreign concepts to me. then when you have people telling you that every child should have 2 parents and a nice home, you feel bad. unworthy of your own child. not to mention, for me at least, i was in an accident and wasn't able to work for until after the baby was born. believe me, it's not one thing that happens, but a series of events that just depletes you. if you're surrounded by pro-adoptionist, who are brainwashing you, instead of trying to help you get on your feet, they are filling you with thoughts of doubts about yourself and what an act of love you're giving. it can be overwhelming. i placed my daughter's best interest above everything else. i just wish someone had given me the other side of the story. how i was being told lies and she'd be better with me. that's why there must be adoption reform.

most women are upper middle class and college educated. they use their intellect to make the decision, not their heart. then when they realize what a horrible mistake they've made, it's too late.

i almost forgot, the promise of "open" adoption. that's the new lie. the mother thinks, it'll be bearable if i do it this way, but very few AP's, if any honor that committment.

ask your parents if they had an "open" adoption agreement, which isn't legally binding. that's when they make up stories about the first moms being "mental" or "drug addicts" or even "prostitutes". do you really think that most of these AP's would have taken in a baby, thru "open" adoption, if that were the case? the AP's for my daughter would not have taken her if she had any health problems, because the AP mom had MS.

ps... the AP's divorced a few years later, and the AP's mom's MS has gotten MUCH worse.

Answer 4

I think you're confusing a lack of material wealth with POVERTY. They are very different things. A family who may be considered poor, and not have material weath is one thing. The kids may wear hand-me-down clothes. They may not go to the movies very often, and the kids might not have all the best toys. Maybe they even subsist primareily on bologna sandwiches and Mac&Cheese. All these things can be easily coped with with a mothers love, but some things aren't so easy to avoid.

What about children in poverty who live in the inner city. In these cases, the mother may not be able to find a job at all. TANF doesn't really provide enough money to subsist. If the mother cannot afford a car (and she lives in a city without good bus routes - like San Antonio or Houston), she cannot really afford to live in some of the better apartment complexes, even if she does get Section 8 housing assistance, because they are too far away from potential jobs and grocery stores. What if she ends up having to take shift work, and work the swing shift? Once her child starts school, that means she won't get to see them AT ALL, except maybe on weekends.

What happens when the child ages out of daycare, and starts going home alone when they are 12 or 13? Gangs are everywhere. Children in gangs DIE. Families that even have to live near gang activity have to be afraid of stray bullets. Every year on the news we have several children who die just for living in the wrong area of town. If a mother does not have an education and does not have enough family or friend support to feel like she can take care of a baby AND better herself, then what is she to do? If she looks at her life and sees her baby only seeing her one or two days a week, hearing gunshots outside the window at night, passing drug dealers on his way home from school.... well, then you're not talking about "things" you're talking aboug safety.

A mother who gives up her child so he/she will have more things is not really a mother at all. A mother who sends her child away to keep him/her safe when she feels she doesn't have any other way to protect them - that mother is loving.

I'm not saying that all children living in poverty should be taken from their parents. However, I think you cannot condem any woman for being afraid to raise a child in that sort of situation. In five years, she could likely take herself out of that place by working hard, and any future children she has would be the better for it. However, it's unlikely that she would be able to work as hard at bettering herself if she also has a child to raise. We all know how hard that is, how many sick days there are, how hard it is to find a sitter in an emergency... We can't judge her for that. Most women are not strong enough to raise a kid in true poverty - just watch the news, and you'll see enough evidence of that to make you vomit.

Answer 5

I gave my son up for adoption, it will be 10 years next May. It was the hardest thing I've ever done or probably will ever do. I don't regret it for a minute. I did it for him, my older son & myself. I was emotionally, mentally & financially unstable to take care of another child. I was barely making it with the one I already had & living with my parents. We have an open adoption where I see him whenever I want & he sees me when he wants. He's got the world's greatest adoptive parents. I cant imagine what kind of life he would've had with me. I dont want to think about that. I'm sorry if you didnt have understanding adoptive parents. Not all adoptions turn out bad. I'm glad he was adopted & didnt become a ward of the state. We went through an adoption agency. It was all planned & I knew them before I just handed over my child. He will be 10 in May. There are many reasons to give a child up for adoption, but finances definitely shouldnt be the ONLY reason. There are many resources to take of children, that's true. Some people just cant handle it. Id rather someone give their child to someone who will & can take care of them, then for them to end up abused, molested or dead or watching mommy & daddy get high or drunk in front of them because they were so prideful & kept their child!

Answer 6

I can understand the point that some it is hard to understand how someone can give up a baby after carying it for 9 months. I mean you have a connection with the baby that no one can understand unless they become pregnant themselves. The baby depends on you for everything for the nine mths you are carrying the baby. You feel it grow inside of you. Once the baby is born, there is this overwhelming sense of love you have for a little person, that you have just met. I don't think most birth mothers give up their children on a whim, out of a sense of pride because they don't want to ask for help. Sometimes life deals us a bad hand, where whatever we put down may not be the best. I"m sure that most birth mothers agonize over their desicion before they decide to give up their babies. Some birth mothers at the time of birth are not in the best mind set because the have a dependcy on drugs or alchocol or their life style may not be fitting to raise a baby. Does it make them bad people? No, it just means they made wrong choices.

What most people need to understand, that saying "at least you weren't aborted" or your mother loved you so much she gave you up". May not be the best thing to say to an adopted child. Both sayings still state that your birth mother rejected you. Which is not always the case.

What adoptive parents need to understand is that it's okay to be open and honest with your child about their adoption. Don't treat them any different. Love them, cherish them. Listen to them if they express their feelings about their adoption. Just because we want to talk about, by no means mean that we stopped loving you or love you less. Some adopted kids want a understanding behind the relquinshment.

Others need to understand that just because an adoptee questions why their birth mother gave them up. DOES NOT MEAN they want to live in an abusive home or live in squalor! It's just a question that runs thru some adoptee's minds. It's natural to wonder why a mother would give up her child.

Answer 7

i'm wondering what your definition of "poverty" is? the way i am interpreting the question it sounds like "poverty" is not being able to own "stuff".

in my answer i'm defining poverty as a person who is unable to obtain (or maintain) a home, provide food, or clothing, etc. i believe that despite all the resources out there for mothers some of them just cannot get out of poverty, whether by choice or by lack of capabilities, or other reasons. in that sense i don't believe they are selfish in giving up their babies for adoption so that those babies can live with a family who can provide the necessities in life. i also don't believe that it is a simple decision that many mothers can make.

Answer 8

I think only one person has actually answered your question so far.

Yes, Americans live in a society that values material things over relationships. People go to college, not for an education, not to follow their dreams, but to get a degree in a high-paying field. We compare our possessions instead of discussing ideas. As a society, we teach our children that the most important goals in life are a big house, an expensive car, designer clothing, etc. People are judged based on how much money they make and how many expensive things they own.

Within that context, it becomes very hard to believe the small voice inside your heart that says "love is more important than money." An unintended pregnancy is difficult enough; trying to figure out how to afford giving your child a middle class lifestyle can seem to be a deal-breaker. Especially when everyone around you is parroting the same argument: you are poor, you cannot take care of this child, if you loved this child you would give him/her up to a more affluent couple who can give your child everything you can't (meaning things, not love).

Ironically, as you must know, money doesn't buy happiness...for a child, or anyone else. How many children are lonely in daycare or with a babysitter because their parents are working night and day to afford that big house in the suburbs and the two or three cars?

Americans need to go back to real family values. Money is a poor substitute for love.

ETA: Tish, I think we were cross-posting. I see you have answered the question as well (and quite well!).

Answer 9

I wish you had more compassion for your birth mother. She was probably facing a VERY difficult decision. Perhaps it pains her every day that she had to give you up. Perhaps she desperately wanted you to have two parents and lots of love, and she wanted you to have all the things she couldn't give you. Maybe she was lonely for you, too.

Would your childhood have been so painful if you just didn't know you were adopted? What if your PARENTS -- and yes, they're your parents because they were there for you every day, whether they birthed you or not -- had just lied and said you were their child? Would you still be so unhappy about everything?

I think you should not look at the past with so much bitterness -- and yes, you sound bitter. Frankly, I think you could use some counseling, it might help a lot.

Oh, and if you think babies are inexpensive, wait until he's older. You've got a real surprise coming.

Adoption is sad and sick? Ask someone who desperately wants to adopt a child if they think that.

Answer 10

For me, my decision was for my son, not me. I was already a struggling single mom, with monthly eviction notices and not being able to pay my bills. It was the best thing for him. He is now in a great and wonderful home with a mom who is able to stay home with him. I have known the family almost my whole life. Ours is an open adoption. He will know who I am when he is able to understand fully. He sees me and my daughter so we aren't complete strangers.

Unfortunately, there is no such thing as a perfect situation. But I believe that he is better off where he is.

Answer 11

Sadly, some mothers who have financial problems give their babies away because there is not a single person on their side telling that they can make it, that they will be good mothers, and that their children need them. Instead they are told that is "best for the child" to give them away to people who can give them more (usually meaning more material things).

I have read many sad accounts of "birth" mothers who suffer from life-long crippling regrets about giving their children up for adoption. They realize that their poverty was short-lived. Very, very often they lament that "no one told me that I would be a good mother. All I heard was how inadequate I was and how much more someone else could give my child."

We have a different kind of poverty in Western countries. We have a poverty of compassion and caring for humanity.