I'm a bit outraged?

Question

I asked the bishop at my church if she (yes it's a she) could marry my fiance and I and she said I have to take 8 marriage counseling classes and the fee is $500 Is this the going rate? Believers, Is there a certain protocol like I mean If I belong to a Church does my Bishop have to marry me or can I get someone else to? $500 is alot of money considering a wedding is expensive enough. Am I wrong for getting someone else to marry me? I would like answers from people who have facts on this matter not those who will criticize the situation. Your thoughts?

Answer 1

I think that fee is outrageous, and I wouldn't pay it. When we got married at our church, we had a friend of ours marry us who is a licensed minister. The church tried to make me pay $100 an hour to run the lights for the 20-minute ceremony (I didn't pay it), probably because they couldn't get a minister fee out of us, so after the wedding we found another church to attend. That situation opened my eyes to how money hungry some churches and religions are.

Answer 2

1) There are a large number of Churches that require pre-marital counseling. Some even require that you and your fiance take a test, and based on the "score" they may choose not to marry you.

2) As far as the cost goes, that sounds about right. (When I got married I would not have been able to afford it.) If you are willing to do the counseling, but you don't have the means to pay for it, I would sit down with her (or someone from the church) and explain your financial situation. I lot of churches have programs to help when needed. If your church doesn't, then I would ask if you could be directed to a church that has free premarital counseling (many do), and ask if she would accept that.

3) If you don't want the counseling and don't care who marries you, then you will need to ask what the church rules are: Do they allow others to come into the church to marry people? Do they have people in the church (other than the Bishop) that have the ability and desire to marry you?....some churches have stricter rules than others.

4) Some times clergy are willing to marry a couple outside of the church, but would not marry them inside the church. (A friend of mine was told she couldn't get married inside the church because she was living with her fiance and had a baby.)

5) You are not wrong for thinking about using someone other than the bishop. This is YOUR marriage you can have it inside a church, in a park, on a beach, or at the fair. It is your choice if you use the bishop, a judge, or a friend that got ordained over the Internet. (as long as it will be accepted by your county and state)

6) Without any criticism or judgement, I will say that you may want to think about having some counseling. Sometimes they can bring up things you would never think about happening. Even though you love each other, it doesn't mean you will always agree on everything. (and sometimes things could come up that are deal breakers)

Good luck with everything. I hope that you can find solutions that will make you both happy. At the end of the day, it is about the two of you. Try to keep your stress to a minimal because when you look back you most likely won't remember if a flower was out of place. (or any of those other crazy details)

Answer 3

Hmm.... insisting on premarital counseling is quite normal, but generally, that considered just part of the official duties of the minister, you don't usually pay for it. I'm guessing the cost is either because this is a large church and the bishop has many duties or the price includes use of the church. If the $500 includes the use of the church property, that's really not a bad deal. However, if you are charged an additional fee for the site, I would consider looking elsewhere for an officiant (perhaps an ordained seminary student, pastor of a family member, etc.). Whomever, you choose, be sure to give them some sort of honorarium, even if it's just making a donation to their church, charity, or giving them a gift card. Of course, your church may not allow you to use their property if the bishop isn't performing the service. It certainly doesn't hurt to look at other options, like finding a chapel on a campus or perhaps contacting a smaller church of your denomination and explaining that you attend a large church and need a location and a pastor that can work with your budget. If your bishop is upset because you decide to plan for something else, that should send a strong indication to you about her priorities, anyone who's a minister should know very well that a wedding has to take TWO families into consideration and should be the first to support the decision that's best for both people... even if that means the couple has to go with a different location or officiant.

Answer 4

There is a set fee to officiate at a marriage, and counseling is normal be it 6 or 8 classes but that does sound steep. I think you need to decide if this Bishop is that important to you or are you ok with someone else for the wedding vows. On the other side of the coin what are you paying the photographer, cake and wedding dress, is the Bishop saying that you are having a lavish wedding I want my cut too.
I believe you need to support your church but some churches seem only out for the cash.

Answer 5

It's been about 9 years now - but when we had our pre-martial counseling (through a Presbyterian church) it was around 6 sessions and it didn't cost anything. But we did have to complate all 6 of the sessions or they wouldn't marry us. When the Pastor married us he didn't require a fee, but he did accept a donation to the church from us in our new married name. I believe we gave him/the church $100. We got married in a garden though and not in a church, so we didn't have that fee.

It may vary from state to state though. I think I remember that some states with high divorce rates were trying to pass some laws that would require pre-marital counseling, etc. I'm not sure where that went though. Also, some of the counseling is a packaged personality test thing, and those standardized tests I know aren't cheap.

You may want to ask about that though - maybe the fee could be waved?

Answer 6

Some churches allow you to use a pastor of your choosing since you are merely renting the church. Now if its your church you go to & you know the pastor personally it may be a bit hurtful to them but its your wedding. As far as i know most pastors wish for couples to take some kind of pre-marital classes because it can bring up issues you may not have thought before the wedding. It helps to discuss them before hand & with someone who is neutral. As for the money it sounds a bit high. My pastor when we got married included the counseling as part of his fee to marrying us. I think we paid a $100 plus a tip after the wedding. We only had 5 classes but it was nice & worth it. Maybe you can arrange to take your own classes with someone else who is cheaper & still be married by her. I think she is being overly pricey. She is not a ceritfied therapist she is a bishop. Being a head of a church is a calling for people & hopefully the want to help & not dip into the pockets of people. A fee is acceptable but not one so high.

Answer 7

Well,
Like the last person said, It does kind of depend on how "attached" you are to your particular bishop. I mean, if you can't fathom someone else doing your wedding...then well, there you have it. But beyond that, I find $500.00 pretty pricy. I mean, in my denomination we just do prel-marital counceling with the pastor, It dosen't officialy cost anything, but everyone usually gives the pastor something for it. I don't know what your denomination requires though, and how extensive these classes are, so I guess It's kinda hard for me to make a really accurate assesments. If money is an issue though, and you really want her to marry you, maybe you can talk to her about what the church could do to perhapse help you out. good luck and congrats on your wedding

Answer 8

We decided to have out wedding done by a JP. It cost us under $40 and she was happy for us to use the vows we wanted.
Pre marital counselling is not necessary and the divorce rate is really no different for people who have church wedding with counselling and people who don't.
You have the right to be married by anyone you like. My husbands church has had nothing to say about our wedding and if they had criticised our choice he would have found another church.

Answer 9

I think its really up to you and it depends on how devoted you are to that particular church and/or bishop. and yes $500 is a normal amount for 8 counseling sessions. talk it over with your fiance and see what he/she's views are on the subject, that way you can come to a good agreement that you will both be happy with.

Answer 10

I guess I dont know what religion a bishop belongs to so I guess it differs . We got married in a methodist church and we had to do classes with our pastor but they didnt cost us anything besides the "donation" thats typically given to the church/pastor. (Which in our case was $150 or what you can afford) Your bishop doesnt have to marry you but you'll have to go to a different church if you want a different officient to perform the ceremony.