Is my son bullying his cousin?

Question

My husband and I separated last Christmas and I moved with my two boys to be close to my family. One of my sisters has two boys aged 2 and 7; mine are 13 and 11. Her 7 year old and my 11 year old go to the same school and travel together on the bus, so they spend a lot of time together. Rough-housing is not really encouraged in my sister's family. My 11 yo is a real rough-houser who doesn't know when to stop, but I don't think he's mean (though I think he has a lot of anger in him about the separation). Today 11yo and 7yo were out in the yard having snowball fight and 11yo was stuffing snow down 7yo's parka, and 7yo was laughing. 7yo's dad was upset and said my son was bullying his son. Is this bullying? Doesn't bullying have to include malice aforethought and only be enjoyed by one party? To me it seems more like older and younger sibling playing/fighting, and I think they need to be left alone to work it out, but then I would think that, wouldn't I? I don't want 11yo to be labelled.

Your answers showed a lot of insight and helped me see it from the other side. I get on well with my nephew and will ask him carefully if he ever finds my son scarey or too much. My son is about to start counselling. Thanks for your wisdom.

Answer 1

Bullying is intentional harm to someone younger or weaker based on emotions usually unrelated to the other child. If your child is bullying then the best avenue for him is to see a psychiatrist in order to confront what is really bothering him.

The easiest way to tell if this is really bullying and not play fighting is to privately speak to the other child. Does the other child feel bullied, pressure, or anger coming from your son ? This is a huge indicator about your child's actions that are hidden from adults.
If it comes to light that your son is not a bully you shouldn't tell him you thought he was, but rather explain to him about being careful with younger kids.

Answer 2

Yes, it is bullying. He is taking advantage of someone smaller, weaker, and not as physical as he is, and doing tormenting things to that person just because he can. That the 7 year old was laughing does not necessarily mean that he was enjoying it. As you said, rough housing is not encouraged in his home. Since he has not been conditioned to fight back, what do you think he response should have been? Should he have been crying and begging? Do you think that would have made your son stop? No. As far as younger/older sibling thing....they are NOT siblings. They are cousins, and they should NOT "be left alone to work it out". Your son has no right to treat his younger cousin that way, or any other younger or weaker child, for that matter. And, I promise you, if he behaves like that when you can see him, you can bet he behaves like that with other children when you can't see him. Please, take your son to counseling and help him through the anger and stress he is suffering because of your break up. I'm sorry you and your son are going through this, but your little nephew (and other children) should not have to suffer, too. Best of luck to you.

Answer 3

First of all, I think it's great that you're being so proactive and are open to suggestions. Since this can be a "touchy" issue with a lot of parents, in regards to stepping in and defending your child or redirecting someone elses child, I think the best thing to keep in mind is to always remain calm and respectful about how you approach the child and/or their parent (even if the parent is a friend of yours). In some instances you might not need to involve the other parent. For example, when your daughter is playing with her friend and they begin to argue or there's an issue with sharing or she's getting bullied then it's probably okay to approach them and calmly address the situation. You should be able to tell right away if the other child is responsive to your redirection or not. If not, then it might be a good idea to gently approach her parent if she's available and respectfully explain the situation and suggest you two make a fun teaching opportunity for both of the girls. For example, you could suggest you and the other girl's parent set up some role-playing situations for your kids and practice the appropriate responses and coping strategies to different situations. Doing things like that are not only beneficial for your children, but a fun bonding experience for the parents and children too. In most cases, it's really the parent's social skills when addressing another person that leads to a successful compromise or correction. Also, probably the most important lesson your child receives from a situation like that, is your ability to model the correct response and show restraint when addressing an issue with someone that might be difficult. When the situation is done, it would be helpful to go over the situation with your daughter (in age appropriate terms) what happened and verbally explain how to handle the situation, giving them plenty of praise for what they did well in the situation. There are a few fantastic books you might want to look into. The first title is: "Common Sense Parenting of Toddlers and Pre Schoolers", by Ray Burke, and Bridget Barnes. The second one is title: "No Room for Bullies" From the Classroom to Cyberspace. Teaching Respect, Stopping Abuse, and Rewarding Kindness. Editors: by Jose Bolton, Ph.D., & Stan Graeve, M.A.. The third book is called: "1-2-3 Magic" Effective Discipline for children 2-12. 3rd Edition by: Thomas W. Phelan, Ph.D (winner of the National Parenting Publications Gold Award). I also encourage you to call the Boys Town National Hotline at 1-800-448-3000 anytime 24/7, if you're looking for advice, a listening ear or want to find resources in your area. Good luck and all the best to you and your daughter......Counselor JH

Answer 4

If the other child was enjoying the play then I don’t think it was bullying at all. But to be on the safe side I would sit the child down and have a heart to heart talk with him. Let him know that his cousins are not allowed to play the way he is use to playing. He is old enough to understand and except these things and old enough to control his behavior while around them. Kids are pretty smart people although we as parents would like for them to stay our little ones forever.

Answer 5

Yes. "I thought bullying had to include malice...?" You are giving your 11 year old much too much credit. He is not thinking "malice." He is 11. If he starts this stuff at school, you are looking at contant trouble and suspensions. Likely, he is acting out, you should have him see a professional, post haste. But it does sound as if he is acting out. Also, with bullying, there is ZERO tolerance in public schools today.
Think Columbine, this is why. Best of luck. ps This is NOT your fault.

Answer 6

a 7 year old and an 11 year old can't just be left alone to work it out - there's a real power imbalance there due to the age difference (and perhaps a size difference)

try not to become defensive - the play today may have been play, but I'd listen to the other parent, perhaps the seven year old has brought it up as an issue and the parent had his buttons pushed today (it happens)

I'd talk to my son and remind him that he's older and needs to be careful to not go to far in the rough - housing - it's up to him to pull back and monitor his behavior - and it's up to you as his mom to help him do that - I'd also ramp up the supervision just a bit when they are playing at your house, just so you know for yourself if there's an issue or not

good luck

Answer 7

ask the 7 yr old

Answer 8

i don't think this is bullying because bullying is doing it many time and the same thing.

Answer 9

Your kid has issues that you are ignoring. Better save money for bail.