What is your policy on drop by visits? My friend called first and I didn't answer, I was busy.?

Question

My friend called first and I didn't answer.So she decided to just drop by since she saw my car in the parking area. Am i wrong for being really irritated?

She has done this a few times and every time I tell her I am not a fan of the drop in visit. I am always very clear with her. I never do the drop in visit because I know how it feels. She is also a person that requires attention. I have had some people drop in just to visit and I don't have to stop what it is I am doing, but she is so needy!!!!!! I guess she is doing exactly what it takes to lose me as a friend completely. We are work friends so it is difficult to not be too close or too cold. If we didn't work together we may not talk at all.....

My house mate answered the door, or I wouldn't have answered.

Answer 1

No, you're not wrong for being really irritated!!! I hate when people do this. Just because they dial your number doesn't mean it's okay. If you had answered the phone and said, "sure, drop by in a few" then that would be fine.

This is one of my biggest pet peeves -- some people just don't get it! My sister doesn't mind this and says that I am unsociable, but I just think it's rude to come over uninvited - I could be sick, on my way out, taking a nap, just getting out of the shower, doing homework, watching my favorite television program, trying to be intimate with my partner, or just want to be alone -- good quality "me" time is hard to come by these days!

Answer 2

You're not wrong for being irritated, but as far as what action you take, it just depends on your level of irritation. If that outweighs the enjoyment you get from your friendship, it's time to end the friendship. It also makes a difference that you seem to have explained to this girl that you don't appreciate her drop by visits and that hasn't changed her behavior. The fact that you work together does complicate things a little, but if it's really bothering you that much, you should sit her down one last time and tell her that if the drop by visits don't end, you'll have to keep your friendship at the workplace only.

Answer 3

It may be better for your if you end the "friendship." Just because you work together does not mean that you are required to keep the "friendship" going. Clearly she does not value you as a friend, or even an associate for that matter. I think you should evaluate yourself, what is it about this person that keeps you holding on to a dead relationship? People do what you allow them to do in your life. If she is needy, then it seems to be that you are the one who fulfills that need. If you no longer want to hold that position (need-fulfiller) then quit. Sever all ties with this person, and move on with your life. Your home is YOUR sanctuary and you control what goes on there. I would also have a talk with the person who took it upon themselves to open the door and let her in, it may be time to take a closer look at that relationship as well.

Answer 4

"Oh, I'm SO sorry!!! I was NOT EXPECTING you right now!! I'm running late for my appointment and so I cannot entertain you just now!! Let's talk later about another time when we can get together! So glad to see you!!! BYE!!!"

... then calmly close the door.... no other words spoken... and do not LISTEN to anything she may say in response.

Are you worried about being perceived as RUDE to someone who has been RUDE to YOU? Well, don't be worried.

You also need not divulge nor explain what "appointment" you are running late for... she is not entitled to ANY explanations. Even if it's an appointment with a jaccuzzi bath, or with the laundry!! She need not know.

She may be "offended" enough to cool your "friendship," but in a TRUE FRIENDSHIP, she would never have simply dropped by.

Yes, be irritated at her, but keep it to yourself. Just be so OVERLY happy and joyous at your greeting and declination, how can she be irritated at YOU?


Have a polite day.

Answer 5

I don't like the "Drop by" visits either. It is very rude since you don't know what people are doing at home for the moment.
My friend did the same to me 2 weeks ago. My daughter let her in the house. She walked straight to my room while my B/F and I were in bed . Knocked on the door and asked us if we were decent..BTW, he is from out of town and comes only once a week to be with me. What the H*** was she thinking?
We got dressed and went to the living room to visit with her. I wanted to slap her for that. She is 46 years old and should know better.

Answer 6

If this bothers you, it needs to stop. It doesn't matter whether other people find it intrusive or charming- it's your home. When she arrives unannounced, greet her with, "I'm so sorry. This is not a good time. Give me a call this week and we'll schedule a visit when I can give you proper attention." Thank her for coming and wish her a good day and (if she's been let in) usher her back to the door.

She is violating a specific boundary that you have stated clearly and that is unacceptable.

Answer 7

Next time she drops in, just be firm and ask her to leave. Say something like "i am busy and don't have time to entertain a guest right now. this is why i asked you a couple times before to call first."

Since you work together, it will be important to be polite, but if you are firm about it I think she will get the point.

Answer 8

I hate it too! My ex-husband would randomly stop by to talk about something we could have gotten done on the phone. And yesterday a friend called first, we didn't answer, and she still came over and stayed for 3 hours. My husband was taking a well-needed nap, the house was a pit since I was going to clean AFTER I finished my cooking for the week. So I had to apologize to her for having to be in the kitchen finishing up what I'd started, my husband had to wake up, I hadn't showered yet, looked like crap, and it was like entertaining which we were not feeling like doing! We like her and all, but when we don't pick up the phone, DON'T COME OVER.

Answer 9

First of all you are never wrong for feeling what you feel. That is a way people run guilt on others by saying "you shouldn't feel that way." What you feel is part of what makes you the unique person that you are. Change that and you sell yourself out.

Second your friend is suppose respect your boundaries, period. It sounds like you have a very pushy friend and it may be time for you to be even sterner in that she does not respect your boundaries. One of the criterion for being my friend is you must respect my boundaries and I will respect yours. I don't want to hear any "shouldn't" or "shoulds" when it comes to my boundaries I just want you to respect them. If not, then you are trying to control me and I will not stand for that.

My take on it is to enforce your boundaries. I once had a friend who did that and I had to put my foot down. "Look man, I really like you and enjoy being your friend but I am going to have to insist that you respect my boundaries if we are going to remain friends."

There are people in this world who will try to under mind you as a person and try to make you feel guilty for being you. You have a right to be you and a right to your boundaries. Stand tall, stand firm and don't be cajoled into selling your self out. Be who you are, it is perfectly okay.

Answer 10

No........I AM THE EXACT SAME WAY and I think you're going to hear this from everyone on here. I had this issue with a relative once and everyone advised to just be honest (which is hard to do sometimes and sometimes people need to MAKE YOU THINK). I was totally honest and it worked out just fine with no hard feelings. See, we don't even have to "be busy" ---- sometimes I just want to sit and watch a good movie by myself....that is OKAY too, ya know? It's called "intrusion" which isn't a good thing. Tell your friend that you need you're alone time sometimes too -- you don't have to "be busy" all the time because then you'll always have to have an "excuse" and you shouldn't have to have an excuse. Make sense? Be honest.