how to have "that talk" with my boyfriend?

Question

I'll make this short , but need to give a little background. First of all,I am 36, so mature advice would be appreciated.

Been dating such a great guy for 2 years. He is stable, reliable, committed, but the relationship is really unexciting and lacks passion. It feels comfortable and regular...it feels safe.

I am not a partier, but do live getting dressed up , going to nice dinners, wine-tasting. I am pretty social ( bf is not at all) and I really miss that. My best friend says I seem like a part of me is missing. BF is pretty uncomfortable socially, he has tried to go out before with me, but it is awkward and I get frustrated, so I stick with what is comfortable- movies, dinners, we workout together. That is kinda it.
I am longing for more excitement- not drama. I don't want a kid relationship.
I want to talk to him-I guess see how he is feeling, but I am nervous. I am not sure I want to break-up. I do love him and would tremendously miss him.

(ok, this is not short) . I cannot change him- and don't want to, but feel like this is a little unfair to both of us. How do I bring this up and not seem like I am attacking him? I do not want to hurt him...but crave some passion in the relationship. I want to feel excited when I am about to see him- not all ho-hum and like'" oh yeah, I am going to XXX's house".

It sort of seems like we should part and be friends, but I would hate that. But I cannot have both worlds, I know. The worst thing would to wake up at 40 (yikes!) and realize I had been supressing myself for all these years.

I am pretty confused. Guess I would like to hear from those who have been there and done that.

Ps. He is divorced and then wife number 2 left him at the alter.Not sure if that makes a difference-probably does not.

Answer 1

I think you may be slightly immature, If what you want is a companion and he is committed to you and is stable, reliable and reliable. What more do you want? You say it lacks passion- Is this in the bedroom as well? That could pose a problem...but if it's just in a social aspect... As for my husband and I go- I don't care what we do together...I'm just happy we're together. He makes me laugh and feel special (whether we are at the gym , or at the grocery store.) My husband and I don't go clubbing, and we aren't overly social people either. We do alot with our extended family (inlaws, cousins and such) and we get dressed up as you like too and occassionally go to dinner with a mutual couple we both like. You don't have to lose yourself by staying with your man. Set a night or two a month away from each-other. I am slightly more social than my husband and so I do those activities with out him. Not alot...but once or twice a month. Don't get frustrated when he makes an effort- Embrace that he is doing something out of his comfort level because of love and respect for your interests. Be THANKFUL that you have someone who is willing to make that effort. Find a happy medium and you can have the best of both worlds! Good Luck!

Answer 2

I think life in general gets a little stale for most of us and change is always a good stimulis, that being said if you are bored with the steadiness of your 2 yr relationship maybe it's time to spread your wings and fly high. Are you prepared for the price you might have to pay? If he has been neglectful in showing his affections have an affair. Your not married so you can be social with someone else you are attracted to, even have sex if that's a part of your "needs not being met" situation --- without any guilt. It sounds like you're settling for a situation but desire more and so it's up to you what to do about it. Sorry if I come on a bit strong. I just joined this answer gizmo and yours is my first response. Good luck.

Answer 3

Well, maybe the situation doesn't call for you to break up with him just yet. If you haven't said anything up to this point, he just may not know how you really feel and think that you are happy witht the way things are. But if you explain to him how unhappy you are, it may serve as a strong reality check and he may try to be more outgoing for you. He may even learn to like it. My husband at first was kind of anti-social: he didn't talk very much, dressed very casually and didn't like to dance at all because he felt that he couldn't (I added that last part because I LOVE to dance and its really important to me). But over time (before we were married) I would drop little hints: suggested that he wear collared shirts because they'd look really nice on him (which they do), dye his hair back to his natural color (he had dyed it to an extreme blonde when its really a darker, sandy blonde) and to go with me to parties and dance with me. His previous girlfriends didn't like to dance at all, so he never even tried and was embarrased at the idea. But I tought him just a few simple things that he found really fun and now, we're the talk of the parties as the couple to follow on the dance floor! So definitely let him know how you feel and try to really get him interested in doing those things with you. Let him know how important those things are to you. See what happens and if he's not willing to try, then if you feel its in your best interest to move on, do so. Good luck doll~

Answer 4

The best thing for you do is is first decide for yourself is this the way you want to spend the rest of your life, If not, then approach your boyfriend and ask him if he feels the same way. Regardless of his answer, you should be able to know from what he said if your relationship will be a good one. If he agrees with whatever your feelings are, then you two are capable of working it out, If he doesn't, then you could at thatpoint ask him if he's willing to change, ( if you really want him) , If he says no, then there you have it.

Answer 5

That sucks sounds like he is more for stability but you both have to compromise in the relationship in order to make things works. It seems like you may be compromising more than him so you should suggest to him that you enjoy going out invite him to go somewhere with you.. If he sulks about it then maybe he doesn't care enough to get on your level.

The big thing in relationships is communication, you both have to communicate about this issue because it IS a big deal. Your going to end up dissapointed and sad and couples need to do things together so Again TALK to him. Maybe you can both work things out? Safe is good but boring is a rut.

Answer 6

You need to talk if any relationship is going to work... sounds like you like things a little more execting... I know how you feel.... my husband is the same way ... younger it mattered... now that I'm older it doesn't matter.... now I can appreicate him wanting to stay home with me.. some people are just very uncomfortable around alot of people... you just have to see him for who he is... but do talk to him ... you can a least at him know what you need....Maybe you guys can meet somewhere in the middle.... Good Luck!!!!

Answer 7

Ah, I see you have never been married. This is what happens with relationships. The initial passion wears off, and that's when the REAL relationship begins. That's when you REALLY get to know each other. So what you are experiencing is very normal and healthy, as it should be.

Answer 8

I have a ? he thinks I dont like all that he is so wrong its funny because I AM all THAT
and a bag of chips....lol