In-laws driving me batty?

Question

Here's the situation, my husband works for his father. The summer of '06 we lived in Maine so my husband could work and we'd still be together as a family unit. Before we left we were told by his parents to give up our apartment and when we got back they'd arrange for a place for us to live. The place they "found" for us was their old house that had been on the market for 3 years and not sold. The house for all intense purposes was left abandoned during that time and in various stages of disrepair.

We've now been here for over a year, we're expecting our third child and they've decided they're going to put the house back on the market again. They drop by unannounced all the time just to complain about the state the house is in. My children are 6 and 2, they can't honestly expect the house to be spotless can they?! I've been biting my tongue in regards to them for the last 4 years and I feel I'm about to burst. Is there a "nice" way to tell them off with out being evicted?

That's part of the problem. Working for his dad we've hit the "slow" season and my husband is collecting unemployment. We can't afford to move.

I also hadn't wanted to move my son to a different school mid-year. Lots of little things factor into the "decision" to stay here.

He says nothing. He still lives in fear of his dad. His dad ruled with an iron fist when he was growing up (abusive) and he still fears that, plus his dad is our meal ticket. He says he'll get a new job but then does nothing about it. He won't make near as much working else where.

Answer 1

Well, this is a very touchy subject seeing that ur hubby is employed by his dad ur fil. But, if the house was in crappy condition b4 u moved in then that's on them and has nothing to do with u and ur family/kids... I'd remind them of that...

Kinda funny now that they have u nearby and u've gone to the trouble of picking up sticks and relocating ur family to this place that was on the market for 3yrs. that now they want to put it back on the market. THIS IS WRONG IN SO MANY WAYS... I'D HAVE TO SPEAK UP AND TELL THEM HOW MUCH TROUBLE THIS WHOLE ARRANGEMENT HAS CAUSE THE FAMILY....

Seriously, as much as u appreciate them putting u up in the house they don't make things very easy and uprooting the children so often is not good for them or the rest of the family and this whole arrangement is putting a strain on the family/marriage... ( i guess ur hubby is staying out of it or at least neutral so, he don't step on anyone's toes ??? ) They just can't keeping being sooooooooooooo fickle it's driving u nuts..

Something like that maybe will work... otherwise UR HUBBY NEEDS TO STEP UP TO THE PLATE AND TALK TO HIS PARENTS SO THAT U DON'T SAY SOMETHING THAT MAY CAUSE BIGGER RIFFS LIKE CUSSING THEM OUT... LOL

Answer 2

How about looking for another place to live. As long as you live under their roof, they will always feel they have the "right" to tell you how you should keep your house. I'm wondering why you have stayed so long and decided to have another child if you are so completely unhappy living there. As soon as they offered their house, you should have refused. If nothing else you could have moved there for a short time until you found something you liked better, but you chose to stay, so you can't really complain about their attitude.


edited:
This whole situation is about the choices you have made (the two of you). You can't afford to move, yet think having another baby was a good idea? Your husband hates depending on his father to support his family, but still continues to work for him. This isn't a new situation, this has been brewing for over a year. OK so you don't want to switch schools and now is the slow season, what was the excuse in June? The only way this will get better for you is to make better choices. Deal with it for 6 more months, your husband should be looking for other employment in the mean time, and when school is out, move.
Your husband isn't a little boy anymore. His dad can't do a thing to him. If he does, it is assault and he can be prosecuted for it. The only power people hold over you is the power you give them.

Answer 3

I don't know that you need bother thinking up a "nice" way to express your feelings so as to avoid being evicted - if they put the house up for sale, sooner or later you're GOING to be evicted, whether you like it or not, aren't you?

You really haven't anything much to lose - your husband has already been laid off work, so his father can't use that as a threat if he doesn't toe the line. It seems to me, having discussed it with your husband and agreed on the strategy together, you should come right out and ask your in-laws what they expect you to do about accommodation when the house sells, and whether they are actually prepared to see you and their two, soon to be three, grandchildren homeless?

I know it's a risk - you may find this completely alienates them and any residual sympathy they might have had evaporates. But you couldn't really go on living there, even without the threat of the house sale, without tackling this situation pretty soon, could you? Your life isn't really your own, with their continual criticism and interference.

If you do decide on this approach - and it is vital that your husband supports you completely - you could also remind them that you returned from Maine on their promise to provide accommodation for you. If they are now going to arrange things so that that accommodation is no longer available, they are obligated to find you somewhere else, particularly as one of the reasons for your return was that your husband could work for his father. However much your husband may have wanted to do this, it was very convenient for his father, wasn't it?

And now your husband is laid off - his father's responsibility, again - it seems perfectly fair that your father in law should recognise that responsibility and if he is determined to put the house on the market, find you some alternative accommodation. If he does, it's important that it is something you can afford, as your husband isn't earning at present, and also as far as possible somewhere that is yours, and won't be invaded by the in-laws whenever they feel like it.

I have no idea how amenable your in-laws are likely to be about this, but whatever you do, get your husband's support, because if you stand firmly together in your approach, it will be much harder for your father in law to opt out of his obligation towards you.

I wish you the best of luck in this difficult situation.

wimsey

Answer 4

(1) Why did you give up your apartment?

(2) If you are financially dependent on your in-laws for housing and salary with 3 kids, and they'd be cold enough to evict their own grandchildren, i wouldn't say anything to them. I would ignore it completely at the time, and find ways to process the anger later.

(3) What does your husband say to all this?

Answer 5

You are going to have to give your husband an ultimatum.

Suggest that he find a new job immediately, and then say that you are going to find a cheaper place for you all, and you are going to move out. Not "shall we move out" or" wouldn't it better if we move out" but "I am going to move out with the children". You don't need to bring children up in that kind of house disarray and that kind of emotional environment.

You are an individual person, with your own choices. Make choices for yourself and your children and if you husband loves you, he will go with you.

Answer 6

Your husband needs to get his butt out there and start looking for another job. He's letting his parents have way too much control and he needs to put a stop to that ASAP.

Answer 7

Sounds like your husband needs to have a heart to heart with them and explain the situation. It would be easier for him to explain that to cause any further complications or risk any grudges. He needs to step forward and stand up to his family.

Answer 8

Look for a new place to live.