Over the past 5 years I've my husband has been verbally, physically and mentally abusive. I have defended it and even isolated myself to please him. I pay most of the bills, work full time and raise 4 kids. I am analyzed, criticized, lectured, and accused in my spare time. I started telling people about it, and he got worse. Now he claims I am a liar, child abuser, husband abuser and "tweeker white trash". When I started to stand up for myself he started to point the finger at me. He was arrested for DV and now claims if I "push his buttons" I will lose our son as well as my other 3 kids. He has told his PO and counselors that I am crazy, a liar, and that he believes I am bipolar or on drugs. What do I do with this? He tells people I neglect and abuse the kids, says I emotionally abuse him because I am withdrawn and I don't talk much to him. My kids don't always act perfect so he says I am a terrible Mom. What are my rights here? I think I am being set up to fail!
2007-12-01 20:51:22 · 7 answers · asked by noshenanigans77 1 in Health ➔ Mental Health
You are in the domestic violence cycle. Only he can change him. You have no chance of changing him, only yourself. By putting up with his abuse in the past, you have sent him a message that it is OK to abuse you. Now that you won't put up with it, it is now all your fault (in his mind). The best thing you can do is seek advice from a lawyer on the best way to be able to leave this man and still have your children. If you listen to this man, he will try and convince you that you are wrong or perhaps he will say he will try to change. Change will only be seen in his deeds and attitude. Lip service is cheap and easy. This guy sounds like he has problems and the only way he will ever seek help to his problems is if he wants to turn his life around. He has to do it for him. Not for you, not for your kids,. If he does it for anyone else but himself, then he could harbour resentment towards those people and that would be counter productive to the changes needed.
It is difficult to leave someone you love because they have a problem and live in denial. But you won't be doing yourself, your kids or him any favours by staying. Change will breed change. Maybe further down the track, when there has been a visible change in attitude and behaviour, you may be able to resume the loving relationship you once had.
Good luck
2007-12-01 21:19:27 · answer #1 · answered by Col B 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Take it from a person who has familythat has been down this road firstly your not gonna change his abusive ways.If he even wants to change he will have to do that himself.I do relize there are two sides to every story and I only know yours however the abouse mentally is because he is whats called a "Control freak" he thrives on YOUR frear of him. Plus he is desprate he knows he is messing up his marrage and he his desperate to 1)STAY in cntroll(which you broke that cycle by haveing him arressted for dv) whic h was a excellent move.2) he don't want to loose his convience.he does this crap because your still willing to accept his abuse.If what your saying is true that you pay most of the bill yourself and raise the kids yourself.mY question to you is why the hell are you still with him? Im assumeing your gonna respond with I still love him,and thats great if you do but this love is starting to hurt really bad,physically and mentally,for not only yourself but those kids as well.If there liveing at home and exposed to him treating YOU this way trust me they are effected as well. The best thing you can do for your family is leave while you still physically can.Or the next time they might be takeing you away in a body bag.
2007-12-02 09:20:29 · answer #2 · answered by lips3572 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Your husband was arrested for DV. Now it is up to you to follow-up with a victim's advocate to learn what is available to you in your community. You are now, where I was.
It's dangerous, degrading, damaging to you and to your kids.
Some one or some thing needs to block him from doing this to you/the kids. Often little happens on the first 911 call. But, keep calling every time he violates. You gain credibility. He loses his. If you can get counseling it can build up the way you think of yourself and protect yourself - inturn you will gain both confidence and reasoning skills to see your DV relationship as others view it. Once you decide the time has come to block him from his sins against you, you will gain determination and resolve. Do work with a counselor or DV organization to help you establish a plan of action. YOU CAN live free of the putdowns and abuse that saps your daily energy. And, when you do leave be certain to state to him what it will take for him to be able to return -- if at all --- months apart at minimum and counseling for HIM.
I found support and friends in a church - it saved my life.
There is an 800 number for the Domestic Violence Hotline
(call information or the police) (sorry, I don't know it)
2007-12-02 05:35:34 · answer #3 · answered by Hope 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I agree. You need to file for divorce. BUT, you must NOT say a word to him, nor give ANY indication that anything is out of the ordinary. Not even one bit.
You must prepare for this. I saw a book not long ago in Borders call something like "Winning Divorce," or "Divorce for Women." Somwthing along those lines. Anyway, its a book especially for women. It tells about how to gather evidence, bank account and other financial information, and document important events before moving ahead with the divorce. You should look into that, it could help you a lot. I'm sorry that I don't remember the name, but thats the best that I can do right now.
2007-12-02 22:45:38 · answer #4 · answered by Rach ♥ 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get an attorney and file for divorce. The attorney will tell you your rights and what you need to do. Get out of this situation. He is a horrible person and he will never be okay. In fact, he could get worse. Surround yourself with people who care about you. Those that don't, stay away from them. They are not your friends or support.
2007-12-02 10:05:37 · answer #5 · answered by Simmi 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why are you still with this jerk? No one can abuse you if you DO NOT allow it! Start a log of all the awful things he does with as much detail as possible...save back some cash and then dump his sorry butt!
2007-12-02 04:57:50 · answer #6 · answered by MC 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
hes a classic abuser,, they turn things around, blame you, try to make you look crazy, etc..
my best advice is get out as soon as you can before he takes all your self esteem away..
I hope youll be ok
2007-12-02 05:48:19 · answer #7 · answered by lux s 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋