Unable to speak my mind, don't know what to do?

Question

Over the last year or so my Mum has turned really nasty. She's always been known to speak her mind but recently she's just turned down right offensive. Like if I go over for a cuppa at their house and I'm talking with them she tells me to shut up because I'm boring her. In fact she's said that twice in the last 24 hrs.
My Dad made me promise not to react to it as if I do and cause an argument, she carries on the argument with him when I go home and he gets a right ear bashing from her.
Even though I don't live with them I feel so trapped not being able to tell her to stop being rude. IS their anything I can do?

Answer 1

Stop going over!

Answer 2

Got the same problem, and sometimes I too feel like the 'meat in a sandwich' when my parents are being like yours.

It's difficult cause you want to say something, especially when you're trying to defend your dad, and hard having to 'bite your tongue' when your mum is 'having a go', and then feeling glad that you, at least can go home, for some peace, but guilty cause you've had to leave all the tension between your mum and dad behind you.

You don't say if you've got any brothers or sisters that can help you share this problem, even if with them, you can discuss what your best options are, what about family members, an aunt, uncle, grandparents ? after all, family members probably know, whether this has been an ongoing thing throughout their marriage, or whether it's a recent thing, as you suspect it is.

Unfortunately, there is, I've found no real answer to your problem, and unless your mum wants to talk to you about what is concerning her, you can only do what you're doing, being as supportive as you can, and coming away when the situation starts to 'get to you', try not to loose your temper though, cause all this will do is alienate you with your mum (or dad).

Your Dad, can cope, he's knows her better than anyone, and he will eventually say something to her about the reasons for her attitude, after all it may be a medical problem, or matrimonial one, and as a couple, only they can sort this out.

I really do know what you're going through, and I hope this helps.

Look after yourself...and try and have a good Christmas

a friend (female) x

Answer 3

"Speaking your mind" can be a good thing or a bad thing with family. It may be HOW you speak your mind. If it comes across as rude and hateful, don't expect your mother to be calm about it. And in a disagreement, remember that no matter how thin the pancake, it always has two sides.
If you are being unfairly criticized, it might be a good idea to simply not visit for awhile. Your mother doesn't sound like a happy person. Could you perhaps ask her (when the two of you are alone) if she'd like to talk about what is bothering her? Maybe she feels she has no one she can talk to and this upsets her. It sounds like she's taking her frustrations out on the people she cares most about because she trusts them to not hurt her more. I think she has some serious issues that need to be resolved.

Answer 4

maybe she has depression or some other medical condition that is making her grumpy .If she can tell you to shut up then you can tell her the same but it would be better to say," mum I'm not sure what is wrong but I am worried as you seem different recently and I was hoping that whatever it is I could maybe help you to sort it out somehow as you don't seem to be very happy these days "
She sounds like she has something on her mind at the minute so it may be worth having a word with your dad in private and see if he is any wiser,

Answer 5

Your dad sounds a bit of a doormat. This woman obviously is rude and is a bit of a bully. Now why do I recognise my own mother in that?
You could try addressing the problem - whens he says something like that say "Right, then, I'm off home. I know when I'm not appreciated." And go. Don't argue, but don't stand for being bullied either.
No one loves a doormat. They just wipe their feet on them.
Get some self respect going there.

By the way: this is the way I dealt with my mother and at long last, she has leanred to respect me. We have a good relationship now - but it's taken me years to realise I am a grown up and don't have to put up with this form of abuse. Good luck.

Answer 6

Your Dad shouldn't tell you to button your lip for his sake, it's not his right to control your behaviour. Would you take this from anyone else? I do think she may need help with issues. Your Dad may not know what she needs but it's something to look at. You must be allowed to protect yourself too, so perhaps go less often and see if things calm down.

Answer 7

I would stop going over to see her, and if she asks why, which she probably will do, tell her that you feel that she has become really nasty. Don't bring your Dad into the conversation, as she will then continue it with him for sure.
Encourage your Dad to get some help for her.

Answer 8

sadly not a lot Nina, your dad sounds like he has given up a bit with your mam, his answer seems to be [ don't upset her at any cost ] to be honest Nina her behaviour is totally outrageous and you need the support of your dad and any other people whom she would listen to, she must be confronted and told that she is being a very unpleasant person, your mam is losing control she must be stopped or she will accept her behaviour as acceptable, you must rally as many as possible and this might shock her enough to redress it, otherwise you two are going to fall out sooner rather than later, i wish you the very best of luck.

Answer 9

Someone needs to tell her, this is not fair, as its effecting the whole family, how is it going to be at Christmas, maybe you dad needs to stand up to her. peace and happiness is a great ingredient for a family. until this changes stay away and let her come to you.

Answer 10

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