I live in a 4 bed, 2 bath home. My wife and myself own half the house, while one of her brothers live in the back half ( the house is seperated by a custom dry wall ) with his wife. Thus, we own 50% a piece. In the front half where I live, my wifes mom and dad live with us in their own bedroom. I commited to 2 years in this house and now, my wife refuses to leave and get a place with just her and I because she says that her parents must be ok with whatever they are going to do or where ever they are going to go. Pretty much, her whole family in this house must be ok to go their own way, before she moves anywhere with me. No one can refinance because of the current market prices. I just feel lost as to what to do. We have no kids and can afford things on our own with no problem. Anytime that I have an issue with her family where they do whatever they want and do not share fair responsibilty, she takes their side and says that I am too opinionated. If you need more details, ask me...
2007-12-01 04:32:17 · 30 answers · asked by degs1982@sbcglobal.net 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Her mom as arthritis pretty bad and her dad had open heart surgery about 2 yaers ago and is doing very well now. They have been in this country for 20 years and still dont speak english to where they can get a decent paying job. I am an Army National Guard recruiter and make pretty decent money. The mortgage is split un-evenly 3 ways. I pay 1800, her brother pays 100 less than me, and the mom and dad only pay 500 a month. Any time I mention moving or an issue that I have with the mom inviting people over any time she wants with no regard to letting anyone know my wife takes their side. I am strongly considering moving, but she will not move with me. I have given ultimatiums about my wife coming with me, but each time she chooses her family and wont choose me. She wont leave unless everyone in her family is going to be "ok". If any of you have some great ideas, please contact me on my messenger: degs1982@sbcglobal.net. I love some of the answers you all have provided. Keep them coming.
2007-12-01 05:07:17 · update #1
Oh, here are some additional background details:
I'm 25, the wife is 22 and we have been married since 2003 by State and 2004 by church.
2007-12-01 05:08:42 · update #2
Final details:
The mortgage loan got screwed up when a different bank took it over, and my wife and myself are not on the loan anymore. The only document that holds us to this house is the "grand deed". I am glad that I am really not "crazy, stubborn, opinionated, selfish, uncaring, non supportive, and destrucitve" as my wife would say. I am glad that there are others out there who see this situation as wrong and as something that needs to be changed. I'm on myspace if any of you would like to add me or write me as well....
http://www.myspace.com/degs1982
2007-12-01 05:13:28 · update #3
i think this is wrong. as a married couple, you are to do what is best for your family first. if your relationship is deteriorating due to the living arrangements, she should do what it takes to keep HER family (you and her) together, solid, and happy. she needs to realize that her mother, father, and brother are all adults and they have families of their own. if your wife is simply worried about leaving her parents alone or about them affording to stay there on their own, make some suggestions:
- you and your wife could move to a different, smaller house on the same street or neighborhood.
- you two could move to a smaller home and still have some money left over to help support her parents (if they are in financial need and TRULY need the help).
- consider talking to the whole family. let them know how you feel. perhaps your wife just likes to feel needed and her brother and parents feel that they could do just fine without either of you there.
let your wife know that you value her family, but that you want to nurture your own family first. if that doesn't work, consider counseling through your church or a private psychologist.
btw, for the people who said, "family comes first" you and your wife are your own family. marriage creates a new family, even if children aren't involved. this is according to biblical passage and marital vows in which you and your spouse become one. hurting your spouse is tantamount to hurting yourself.
2007-12-01 04:45:55 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Shes very wrong, this sounds like a real dilemma, family does come first, but however everyone in the house hold is grown, and when you marry someone you become part of the family, so therefore she is wrong on her part, she don't need any OK from anyone for you and her to go and enjoy your lives together, i sit her down and talk about this to her, and if you guys cant make any type of compromise then i think you should get separated and maybe a divorce because a relationship is a two way street and your situation sounds very one sided, and you really don't sound happy at all, considering you guys have no children, the process of leaving her will be easier.
2007-12-01 04:41:13 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are really in a tangle, and it does sound like your wife is not giving you the right position in her priority list. The way to solve this is almost beyond human power. Family is a deep rift in the relationship. If you can't reason with your wife or reach a compromise of some sort, you may have to evaluate the entire marriage from a different angle. I would try to consult a counselor for help, and hope there can be some resolution. If you feel there is no chance to continue along this path, you may have to leave. Only you know whether this is a definite deal breaker, or if the love between you can pull you both thriugh this. Good luck and best wishes.
2007-12-01 04:48:22 · answer #3 · answered by older is wiser 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
unfortunately the only thing you can do is work on trying to move out of there. you and your wife are married and deserve to build a future together. you guys have done your part by giving them a place to live for two years. refinancing may not be an option, but they can split the cost of living and live there and you guys can find a place close by. family is important but thats way too much. her brother is not her responsibility. the parents are a touchy issue. do they have medical reasons why they cant be on there own a while? if there isnt any reason they cant live on there own, they should be on there own. it sounds like everyone there is taking advantage of you and your wife isnt helping. i know its harsh, but she is throwing the marrage away. it sounds like your not happy and shes not listening. its time for you two to grow up and take the marrage to the next level. have your own home and things.. have kids.. if i were you i would tell her if you guys continue to live there that your considering ending the marrage and see what she does then. set a date.. 6 months, a year, your out. if she sees that your serious maybe it will make her wake up and realise what more important. its going to come down to her family or you pretty much. i know it isnt fair. but thats how i see it.
2007-12-01 04:42:04 · answer #4 · answered by Lucky 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
'I believe your wife is very loving caring wife !!! and also she belongs to a country with a culture wherein they believe about a close family ties(i'm not sure if that's a correct spelling) is your wife a Filipino from Philippines? if yes, yuh they do like that!!! for me since I'm 24 single man... i think she must balance her decision on husband and family.. both of you must have your own privacy, yuh?.. you must learn how to be independent. away from them.. but since both of you are still young maybe your wife is thinking that you need the guidance of your parents.. sometimes its really difficult to let go specially if she has a very good loving supportive family and also if she know that they cannot stand anymore by their own.. maybe she knows that they cannot live without her because they're old and sick and no one can take care of them better than her... something like that!! so just give time and don't lose hope!!!
2007-12-01 12:58:15 · answer #5 · answered by jan 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Who all is on the papers for that house?
If everyone is paying for the house, that is one thing... it is a business relationship. If all of these people are not helping to pay for anything and just sponging off you, then you need to make some changes... unilaterally if need be.
Your wife is to leave her parents and cleave unto you... period. Explain to her that you can't start your own family with them so entangled into the mix. She needs to cut the umbilical cord and make her marriage her priority.
You need to either move forward with this or cut the whole lot loose. If that means having them buy your share in the house and you moving on, then so be it.
If that means serving the lot of them notice that they have to move out and get their own places, that is fine, too.
2007-12-01 05:05:20 · answer #6 · answered by revsuzanne 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Thats not right! Your her husband & she should worry more about your happiness than what her parents think. Is she crazy? I am 2 hrs away from my mother & there are times THAT is not far enough! Gees! by all means don't have any babies incase you NEED to bolt on your own. Sorry your having problems , hope all goes well. Talk to her, and ask her where exactly you rank w/ her. And for gods sake wear some pants in the family if not all!
2007-12-01 04:42:04 · answer #7 · answered by MmMoore 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Tell her you made a mistake and are moving out then DO SO.
If she really loves you she will leave her family for you.
Tell her you didn't realize she wasn't grown up and mature enough to be your wife and that she is selfish and self centered to want to have her way and let her family walk all over you like this.She also has mental problems if she cannot be away from her family.
Tell her if she wants to work things out then counseling is her option or divorce take her pick.
2007-12-01 04:44:13 · answer #8 · answered by Joe F 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I think you both need to sit down and have a chat. You both are too stubborn and unable to see the other's opinion.
Would it be a possibility to sell YOUR half to her brother, therefore keeping the house with her parents in it? Also, why must her parents live with you?
You need to talk AND listen to her. And I don't understand one thing--you are your own family. Why do you need her family to approve if you move? You are two adults who own a home. YOU can make the decisions.
2007-12-01 04:36:26 · answer #9 · answered by FaZizzle 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You have gotten yourself into a bad situation..... I think your wife should put you first.... you are her her new family.... it sounds like she is spit between being a daughter and a wife.... which is pretty bad for her also.... some how you will need to have a family meeting and let everyone know their responsibilities....before you really end up with bad feelings between all of you..and remember it always nice to have good relationship with family... but there come a time when space is good too... good luck...
2007-12-01 04:44:42 · answer #10 · answered by Sharon C 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋