I think I am a "bully": How can I change?

Question

Last night I asked a question about "bullies" and how we could identify them. After reading the answers, I realized (for the first time in my life) that I am a "bully" .... and I don't like being one. (I am too bossy in everything I do.)

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AujyPKUXl.3GN6fGHuExu23sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071130191515AADGA1m


1. Please suggest how I can change that part of my "mind set". Example give me your philosophy of life that helps you not to be a bully.

2. While I am trying to change that part of my personality, please give me a suggestion on how to guard against being a bully in my daily life. -- maybe a few catch phrases that will remind me to let others know I respect their "freedom of choice".

(This is really embarassing, but R/S has the smartest people I have ever known --- if you can't help me, no one can.)

Answer 1

I find it very hard to believe that you are a bully. Most bullies are not introspective enough to actually realize what they're doing is wrong (or to care enough to want to change). I don't know you personally but everything I have seen of you on this site tells me that you are the furthest thing from a bully there is. You actually care about how you affect other people, bullies don't do that! The only kind of bully you probably are is perhaps to yourself.

There is a big difference between someone who has a strong personality and someone who chooses to use that personality to victimize other people.

Here is a list of the differences between a natural born leader and a bully:

- natural born leader: courageous, willing to sacrifice themselves for those they care for, have very strong moral convictions, loyal, truthful, leads by example, hates cheaters

-bully: cowardly, preys on the weak, low moral standards, puts themselves above everyone else, untrustworthy, will stoop very low to get what they want, thinks it's O.K. to make fun of people, it makes them feel powerful to hurt someone else's feelings

Natural born leaders and bullies have one main thing in common: They can both be very over baring. The difference is that one of them does it for self gratification (bully) and the other does it because they care (natural born leader)

Answer 2

Beat the hell out of anybody that calls you a bully.

Oh, I kid the bullies. Basically my best advice for 1 and 2 is to try to show other people the respect you'd want them to show you, as unbelievably trite as that is. It's not quite the "Golden Rule," though, because people are different. "Respect" includes recognition of the fact that their idea of a good time may differ from yours.

And I know as I type this that people who know my answers are probably doing a spit take. I'm not always as diplomatic as I should be...lol. But answers in R&S are really opinions, since we're dealing with subjects that can't be conclusively settled, so there's no reason to pull punches here. In real life, diplomacy is a fine art.

Answer 3

Read the book called "boundaries by Tom Townsend."
Cognitive therapy in the area of boundaries and boundary violators is a good first step.

Take a step back and look how much destruction is caused by anger. Anger is involved in the whole thing.

This rips you and others off from a close relationship.

Relationships take hard work and commitment. The short cut of pushing and shoving catches up and the emotional bill is heavy.

Changing is hard work, but possible. it will not be easy. No shortcuts!

Answer 4

Unc, I, along with others here do not have that perception of you being a bully. Strong willed maybe but that in and of itself, is not bullying. Perhaps you DO see things about yourself that can lead you to bullying and THAT has you concerned. The remdey is NOT an easy one, it's going to take time, effort and a LOT of concentration. The first thing you need to do is to recognize that YOU have SOME charactersitics of Bullys, so work on one at a time. Perhaps the most notable one might be how you talk to folks around you. Do you come off as demending? Selfish? You have to have your own way? Then, try to be more generous of yourself, your time, and share things with others. If you come off as an insulting trype of person, then try to consider what you are about to say to others. Ask yourself how you would feel if someone came up and said that very thing to you, and act accordingly. Do you see yourself as beter than others? Then, as others have noted, tell yourself that "we are ALL equal in this world and no one is beeter than me and I am better than no one else.". Are you the kind of person that likes to shove his way to the front of a line? Then stop, find someone that needs help and have them get into line in FRONT of you and help him/her along if the are having difficutly. These little things may be hard at first but after you do them often enough you'll find that they have become second nature to you and you can work on that next thing about yourself that you don't like. Be patient with yourself and realize that a lifetime of behavior doesn't change over night. You have to develop, learn and practice new techniques for dealing with others in your life. Work on one thing at a time, or two if they're both simple things and don't require all that much effort. Work on the easiest one's first and after you get practiced at those the more difficutl ones will seem to be a bit easier to handle.

Remember, a journey of a thousand miles begins with just one step. You've made that step. You recognized that there are things about you that you don't like and WANT to change them. That's quite a first step to make on your own. Way to go, Unc.

Brightest Blessings,
Raji the Green Witch

Answer 5

Act out of love, not fear. Analyze your reactions.

Example - your wife takes 3 hours shopping when you think she should have only been gone for an hour. You yell at her about how long it took and accuse her of doing bad things (like meeting someone), call her names, etc. You are reacting on all the fearful thoughts in your head and exploding. Instead, you could ask her if she enjoyed herself and explain that you worry something could have happened to her and tell her how important she is to you. Ask her what she saw that she liked and show an actual interest...You could even go with her and show an interest. She would probably like that. You have to trust the person you are with. If you can't trust them, why are you with them?
I know this situation because I "LOVE" to shop. In the past I have been accused of "doing bad things" when I really have been shopping. I love to look at (and buy) home decorating "stuff", which takes time. It's a kind of escape from pressures of work and family. And it's harmless. I enjoy it. Whoever I am with has to understand that.

Answer 6

Your link goes back to an article in The Examiner which is based upon a report from U.S. HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES COMMITTEE ON ENERGY AND COMMERCE CHAIRMAN FRED UPTON. This all sounds very believable. However, that report is based on numerous opinions from numerous insurance firms. Considering that the Affordable Care Act also contains a requirement that insurers have to refund premiums that exceed the medical costs it pays out (plus 15 percent), for the report to be true, it means if premiums increase 400% the healthcare payments to providers also have to increase about 400%. Therefore, in order for that to happen we have to assume one of 2 things: 1) Provider Healthcare charges (not insurance premiums but the actual healthcare) will increase, severely or 2) Many people without Healthcare insurance have major health problems requiring expensive treatments that they have never or seldom gotten and they will finally obtain coverage and get those treatments. Otherwise, when those insurance companies raise premiums 400% a lot of that will be refunded back to us. We will see what happens.

Answer 7

Of course I don't know how you conduct yourself in real life, but I've never seen any evidence of you being a bully here. Having strong convictions and defending them doesn't make you a bully.
But if there is a problem and you're aware of it, you can take steps to fix it. Think back on the instances in which you believe you were being a bully. What did it feel like? Try to remember what emotions it evoked. And if you find your self experiencing that particular combination of feelings in the future, make yourself stop what you're doing. Take a breath and look objectively at your actions. Once you learn to recognize it, you can avoid doing it.

Now, can I have my lunch money back?

Answer 8

(((Uncle))) Well, the biggest step you took was seeing something that you really wanted to change. That in and of itself it enormous. How do I not be a bully? I see everyone and everything as equal to me. Never above and never below. Everyone is sacred, however you see this sacredness is up to you. Put yourself in the other persons position and try to see things from their perspective even if you disagree with them. Try to see a bigger picture of that person and see that they are just like you essentially. I would simply say to yourself, if you feel a bully moment coming on, 'This person is free as I am free' or simply 'We are equal' or 'I respect you'. I don't think you should be embarrassed at all. I really don't. I've had to acknowledge many unpleasant things about my personality and change them. Sometimes I just stop for a second before I say anything. Just that one moment of pause rather than immediate reaction really helps. Many blessings to you.
Me: Buddhist

Answer 9

I think it is as simple as putting others ahead of yourself. The same way a successful relationship operates. Treat her like a queen and she treats you like a king. In other words, always put the other first. Problems arise when we become selfish. A variation either way and you have problems. Bullying for one. Realize we can't always have our way. Not if we are being fair and loving. It has to come from both sides.

((((Uncle Wayne)))) I don't see you as a bully. lol I think you are very sweet.

Answer 10

I have a strong feeling that you are being very hard on yourself though ...

however , recognosing our problems is the biggest step towards changing them
perhaps keep a notebook , and each night fill it in with things that you perceieve as being " bullyish "
read over them the next day and set about changing each one of them
often when we see things in black and white , it helps to serve as reminder and becomes more real for us

((((Uncle)))) love you xx