Power Struggle Between Me and my 18 yr old son?

Question

He got into trouble earlier this year, for which he received probation for foolishness. So I've been quite skeptical about letting him hang out late at nite w/his friends because he doesn't need to have ANY police contact if he plans to get through this probationary period. However, he feels that I'm totally overboard in my thinking and that nothing is going to happen to him. He's a young black male, with a distinctively noticeable vehicle and I KNOW for a fact that he's going to get pulled over if he continues to drive around at all hours of the nite. So lately he's been quite disrespectful, threatening to move out, staying out all nite & not coming home til the next morning. I'm trying to maintain some type of relationship w/him, however, he's making it very hard for me to continue. I've had friends/family that have told me to put him out of the house & let him find out how hard life is. I'm a little hesitant to do that

Before you all respond and tell me to kick him out, he's also slated to go off to college in Jan, which I believe would be the best thing for him. I'm trying to maintain some type of relationship with him til then while at the same time keeping him from getting in trouble. That's also the main thing that's hindering me from kicking him out, because he NEEDS to go off to school. I truthfully believe that if he doesn't, he won't ever go and he will throw away any remnants of a future he has left.

Answer 1

he is 18 years old, time for him to grow up.... This is a power struggle that is pointless because even if you hold him hostage till january, school is gonna be a free for all and he will be going out at night and there is nothing you can do about it.....
He has been in trouble and is on probation, he already knows the law is watching him, so if he wants to go out, let him, if he gets in trouble again, that his problem. He needs learn this hard life stuff on his own now..... he is 18. Time to be a man and live with the concequences of his actions.
Arguing with him more and more is just gonna make him rebel harder on you, so just say "fine, you do what you want, you are 18, but im not bailing you out anymore". If he screws up going to college, then time for the man to apply for a job, if that dont happen, then outta your house..... He will never learn, if you dont stop mommying him.

Answer 2

It sounds like you already have an idea of what might be best for him. I can understand you wanting him to go to college it could definately change his future.
Unfortunately if carries on this same behavior or worse (which is often the case when they get away from home) he won't be in college for long and if he is he won't be able to pass any of his classes.
I think it is probably time to lay down the tough love now before he gets too old or worse. You're losing valuable time. He's 18 years old and therefore an adult and he wants adult privelages but he has no adult responsibilities. Right now your teaching him that I can do whatever I want and there are no real consequences because my mom will always bail me out. My brother-in-law went through the exact same thing and he now lives in a seedy apartment with 3 kids scattered across the U.S. and he's been in and out of jail and can't hold down a job because he's an alcoholic. His mother was always there to clean up his messes and bail him out because she sincerely wanted what was best for him.
In the end it destroyed him. His entire way of thinking has been affected. He believes that he is owed respect and money that he doesn't have to earn it.
You have a golden once in a lifetime opportunity to stop the cycle now. Don't let it pass you by.

Praying for you!

Answer 3

I would take his car away if that is the main source of the problem. Have you talked with him about the difference between being a man and a boy. He needs to do the right thing, not the cool thing. What is he doing since he is not in college yet. Excepting him to work at least part time is good. If he won't work don't give him money, then it will be hard to fill up his car.

Answer 4

At 18 you really cant say anything to him. He is supposed to be a 'man' now. Time to cut the cord, and give him the respect he deserves, that is the only way he will respect you. Teach him how to find information about how to be careful, what his legal rights are, how to not get pulled over etc. You said yourself, this has become a power struggle. He is now adult, he is ready break free and he resents your getting in the way. If there is no power, there can be no power struggle. You have to trust that you raised a good., sensible young man. And if you didn't, no amount of punitive measures are going to solve it. I'd say backing off into an advisor position is advisable at this point in his life.

Answer 5

Sounds like you know what needs to be done more than anybody. You seem to be handling it well. He's obviously very
strong-willed in knowing what he wants to do. I say just keep trying to keep him in but don't anger him -- he's a legal adult, and he should know what kind of damage getting into trouble would cause, especially if he's on probation. If that's a risk he's willing to take, then let him, but tell him that you don't think it's a good idea and that you don't support him in wanting to go out late against the probationary rules.

Answer 6

Your son has what I call "Superhero Mentality" (My son age 18 has it too) they think nothing can touch them they are bullet proof..

I understand your hesitance to put him out of the house I feel the same way... I did what I consider the next best thing.. I set him down and told him "You want to be treated like an adult so you get to have the responsibility of an adult" I took all the family bills (Electricity, mortgage payment, grocery bill) and divided them by 5 (the number in our family) Each month he receives a bill for 1/5th of the adult cost of living.. $514.00...

If he pays the bill he earns 1 month of adult living ( I.E. no curfew, I don't tell him what to do, etc) if he can't pay the bill he hasn't earned his adult month.. (I.E. curfew etc.)

I am placing the money in a savings account so when he moves out on his own he will have a nest egg (he doesn't know) But he is learning that being an adult isn't just setting your own curfew and rules it's responsibility..

Addition: Be warned if your son is as crafty as mine he will counter offer my sons counter offer was the grocery bill is too high I can eat raman noodles all month...

So the first month I didn't charge him for grocerys I had him buy a months supply of Raman Noodles (4 packages for each day of the month) that's all he had to eat... About 2 weeks in he came to me and offered to pay 1/2 months grocerys to be able to eat what we were eating (Pizza, Spaghetti, Lasagna, Steak... I advise meals of some of his favorites to break him fast) ... Lesson learned... LOL

Answer 7

lay it on the line for him. He needs the structure, obviously.

Tell him he's 18, and not obligated to live in your house. He can move out, get a job making 10/hr, which is 20,800.00 per year. After taxes, and medical benes, if he's that lucky, he's looking at about 16,500.00 per year. Now, with rent in an apartment, say, 600/mo at 12 months, plus security deposit is 8,400.00 so you're left with 8,100. Then there's the utilities. Cable/electric/water/garbage can be maybe 3200.00 per year, leaving you with 4900.00. Now, let's look at the insurance on that pimped out ride, and gas to go cruising. A teen (I have no idea what insurance is for a teen, but I'll take 120 per month?) will leave you with 3,400.00 per year (that is not including gas and oil changes.) Oh, let's not forget the cell phone everyone has to have. That's about 60/month? So, now you've got 2,500.00 for the year to live on.

That leaves about 200.00 per month to eat, gas the car, rent movies, date, buy clothes, and anything else life has to offer.

OR YOU CAN STRAIGHTEN UP, FLY RIGHT, GET AN EDUCATION AND EARN SOME CAKE, SON!!

Good luck, mama.

Answer 8

My compassion goes out to you, and I do understand your situation with your son.
I have 3 sons of my own and went through exactly what your going through right now.
The answer is NO don't kick him out, it would definitely make matters worse and you will lose the relationship altogether.
Teenagers can be selfish at times and always think they know better, unfortunately nothing you say or do has any effect in your sons judgement.
I took in a lot of heartache from my sons, but dealt with each one the same, everyday I would tell them how much I loved them and that no matter what my door would always be open.
They were very bitter teenagers, they got into alot of trouble, but everytime they went to court the first person they saw as soon as they walked into the courtroom was me.
I supported them even though they knew the did wrong.
Now today my eldest son is 25 and he has a family of his own works in a sawmill I use to work for, and he has 2 beautiful girls. My 2nd son is 19 still lives at home with me, and I was so proud of him, because he told his friends no matter what I did to my mum she's always been there for me,
He thought he was'nt good enough but he told his friends that I supported him when he needed it the most and didn't give up on him. my 3rd son is only 17 did not fit in the school society, but I was able to find him a plc called youth choices trust, where he finished just about all his subjects, what was great about this plc you can do your schooling, and get a job, a job that suits you and your needs and what your most qualified for and for my 3rd son that was forestry, so thats what he does and he finishes school this year and work fulltime. He got alot of awards at this school so he was so proud of himself and when he said his speech, he says none of it would have happened if it wasn't for his mum.
My sons love and respect me, because I love and respect them, now they arn't angels but they don't get into trouble.
Now your son is angry right now, he probably thinks you don't care and the whole worlds against him, he will push you away because he doesn't want to know anything you have to say, he stays out all nite on purpose because he knows you'd be
upset, he will be non-responsive of anything you say or do.
So how do you deal with this, for starters remain calm don't stress yourself out , if you do stress you won't be able to help him, and you will probably argue with him and say things you don't mean.
He has to know that whatever turmoil he is going through, that you will be there for him, support him and tell him you love him, and your not going anywhere, and whatever pain or rejections he is feeling right now, that you are sorry he is burdened with whatever is weighing him down and that hopefully he will trust you enough to tell you what it is.
Love him, Support him, Be there for him, bottom line Don't give up on him, he will love you for it in the end and I wouldn't be surprised if he thanks you for it too.
I hope this helps you, There are support plcs you can go to if your really struggling with him and are unable to deal with your situation alone unfortunately I don't live in the UK but if you have a phone book I'm sure you would find something.
GOODLUCK I wish you all the best.

Answer 9

You have yourself a real problem. Think about what it is that he really wants and gets from you ( Money, his room, heat, meals tv, whatever.)
Get the top 3, and just cut them off, RIGHT NOW. You can make it very hard for him to reject your wishes without actually kicking him out. Also, if you make the threat like this, you MUST follow thorough or you will loose.

Answer 10

you have two choices:
1) take his car keys away and anything else you know he loves until you're sure he learned to listen to you this will ruin your relationship for a while until he realizes that its for his own good and that will happen when someone around him gets in trouble

or

2) don't do anything let him get in trouble and when he does and tries to get you to help him tell him that he wouldn't have been in trouble if he had listened to you and he will be scared to try it again