This is a strange situation....What would you do? Wedding/Family Drama.?

Question

A lady that ive been friends with for many years is getting married again. here's the situation.......

1: Her first marriage ended in divorce after 4 years.
2: Her second marriage with the death of her hubby about 4 years ago ( from prostate cancer)
3: Her third is to a high school sweetheart she dated many years ago (The reconnected at her 20 year reunion). She is so happy that she's dancing on cloud 9.

Here's the problem: Her second husbands mother and sister are objecting to her getting married again. They think she should stay single and not date. Raise her children on her own. Her fiancee has never had any children,and will be legally adopting the kids after they get married. That's one of the reasons why they object is because of the potential name change to the kids. The kids LOVE her fiancee. The old in-laws are "threatening" legal action if she marries this new man. They have consulted a lawyer, and have NO legal leg to stand on.

They had caused problems in her marriage to her second husband all of the time. And she's laid her foot down. She's told them if they continue with the harrassment (they've been talking to her children as well), she will bar their access to the kids PERMANENTLY. This is not what she wants to do, but will do it for her children's happiness.

So now she's about to have a huge wedding to her sweetie, and wants it to be a beautiful day. But the kids are confused because of their grandmother and aunt telling them one thing and their mother telling them another. My friend purposely keeps the contact with her old in-laws to a minimum. The family NOW wants to take the kids out of state for visits. Their mother said NO! IF they want to see the kids, they will have to come there. She's offered to pay for their airfare and hotel stay.. Both of these women have declined. They want the kids to themselves without their mother. My friend said that is NEVER going to happen. What should she do?

Answer 1

I wouldnt change the name of the children...even if he adopts them, which he really shouldnt bother doing because if they ever break up HE will have to legally pay child support until they turn 18.

She could reassure them that name changing is not going to happen because their father is their father and his children SHOULD keep his name. She may regret ripping it away from them...even if the stepdad is great.

Answer 2

These in-laws need to step away from the situation and understand that if they continue to be overbearing... then it will only make things worse. They cannot threaten any legal action as you mentioned above... and her fiance has every right to adopt these children as his own. I am surprised that the old in-laws are mostly concerned with a name change. Your friend should really sit down with them and assure them that no matter who their father is or what their last name may become... they are still their grandkids too and she will make every attempt to see to it that they have a healthy relationship with them... provided they back off on the whole "staying single and raising the kids herself". She should also explain to them that a father figure is an incredibly important part of a child's life and you are lucky that this man is happy to be there not only for her... but for the kids.

Hopefully, speaking to them rationally and calmly, and assuring them that she still wants them to be actively involved in their grandkids' lives will soften this anger they have over it all. Otherwise, she will need to keep an eye out that the in-laws are not feeding the grandkids any "lines" and filling their heads with thoughts to try and turn them against her or her fiance. I do wish her all the best... I know mixed families are tough to deal with at first until a balance can be achieved.

Answer 3

She should go ahead, marry her fella, and if they decide he is to adopt the kids....go for it! The second mother-in-law and sister-in-law are trying to hang on to the deceased second hubby, and if his widow remarries it'll make it more difficult.
jealousy may also be involved, for with a brand new stepdad
comes a set of stepgrandparents.....and the existing paternal grandmother might think affection for the stepgrandparents will replace any affection the kids have for her....and she might be the possesive type, unwiling to share the 'grandma' spotlight with anyone, certainly not a grandparent whose by marriage, not blood....silly, huh.
As far as the adoption/name change, it's up to the judge who hears the request...he'll interview thenew hubby, the wife, and the children....since the second mother-in-law & the second sister-in-law have no legal standing in this they will not be allowed in the hearing, as no one else will.

My advice is to go ahead with the marriage and adoption plans....do not invite the problem in laws. Do not inform them of the adoption/name change until after it happens, if at all.
Instead of completely changing the name, how about adding the adoptive father's name to theirs so the kids can carry both.

As far as what the troublemakers are telling the kids....inform them if it doesn't stop then they will not have access to the children, and may be risking legal action if they continue...no one has the right, even a relative, to mislead/influence children against their parents and a court order may be needed ....if a lawyer is involved in the adoption then please tell him all the shennanigans and let him advise/handle it.
If the troublemakers are faced with legal actions they may back off from their 'spitting in the wind'....which is all they are doing. Good Luck and Congrats to your friend, her kids, and the new father!

Answer 4

I would think, in order to honor their biological father to keep the last name and hyphen the new name, and the kids can have both.

I agree that the kids should not go out of state (they might not come back). I think that it is very generous of the mom to pay for the airfare for the old-in-laws can visit. When the kids turn 18 I would give that option to go out of state. But with the old in-laws trying to take your friend to court just shows that they can not be trusted and the are not trying to talk about it anymore. The probably see her kids as their son and are having a very hard time letting go of their son. If your friend was an unfit mom then I would say to let the old-in laws have custody but that's not the impression that your giving. Anyway, I pray that this all works out in the best interest of the children. God Bless!

Answer 5

first off she needs an attorney real quick before she gets married. she can demand that the in-laws abide by her rules. she a every right to make a choices for her kids. apparently the in-laws are threatened by losing the kids. if she could find a way to save face with them it would be wise for her to get an attorney cause if they want to exercise grandparent rights i don't think a judge will them that much access to the kids. she needs to write everything down what they tell the kids. everything, she needs to not say bad things in front of the kids about the in-laws in anyway. if she can prove harassment, keep records of this then she may have a chance at proving them unfit to even have visitation rights's later on. she needs to make sure they have nothing on her as a bad mother or her future husband. the past can come back to haunt anyone that may have made some mistakes.

Answer 6

First of all, there is no law against getting married again after the death of a spouse and no law against new spouse adopting the children. Her second husbands family need to leave her alone and butt out!! Wouldn't her late husband want her to be happy? Maybe the family are very religious and don't agree with this, but it is really none of their business.
Let them see a lawyer, they can't do anything. If she has to, she should get a lawyer and fight them. I would not let the children see them for at least a little while, while all of this is going on. Who knows what they will say to them.

Answer 7

Luckily, your friend really is in the driver's seat legally. Her old in-laws can threaten all they want, but she has every right to marry whether they like it or not.

Regarding the kids, these fools can create havoc for her if she lets them, but again this is her choice. She does not have to let her old in-laws take the kids out of state or anywhere else. It sounds like they are bullying her, but she does not have to compromise.

Regarding the name change, there is no reason why they can't keep their father's last name even if they are adopted. They may in fact want to do this, and, depending on their ages, your friend might want to let them make up their own minds about this.

Answer 8

I think it would be dishonoring the children's father to have their names changed. It's not like their father abandon them. So maybe your friend should rethink that? How old are the kids anyway?

Secondly, the second husband's family has no right to speak bad about the mother in front of the children. So the mother has every right not to let them see the children.

Lastly, its not your problem so if I were you I'd stay out of it.

Answer 9

I feel very bad for your friend, she deserves to be happy. I'd tell her to talk to the kids and see if they want to change their names, because that is kind of drastic. I think she should sit down and write a heartfelt letter to the old in-laws telling them that finding happiness with someone new doesn't change the way she loved their son. Tell them she'd love them to be a part of her children's life and continue to learn about their father, but the drama they are causing is hurting the kids and her and they need to come to a compromise that doesn't involve legal action. Tell her good luck and happiness from all of us!

Answer 10

I think she should go ahead with the marriage, since she is obviously in love with this man (and so are the kids!) She should tell the in-laws to leave them alone, and even if they 'threaten' legal action, they have absolutely NO say over who gets to visit them and whether or not they change their last name...I'm surprised the woman even offered to pay for the airfare to visit, that's not her problem if they live out of state!!

Answer 11

My only comment is that if the chilrdren are with hubby #2, then the family may be able to prevent new hubby from adopting the kids. Because the marriage ended in death of their relative, the immediate family of hubby #2 (siblings/parents) may be able to sue for visitation rights to the kids.
If I were her, I'd tell the relatives to stick it and go through with the wedding.