There's a power-struggle going on between me and my 18 year old son.?

Question

He got into trouble earlier this year, for which he received probation for foolishness. So I've been quite skeptical about letting him hang out late at nite w/his friends because he doesn't need to have ANY police contact if he plans to get through this probationary period. However, he feels that I'm totally overboard in my thinking and that nothing is going to happen to him. He's a young black male, with a distinctively noticeable vehicle and I KNOW for a fact that he's going to get pulled over if he continues to drive around at all hours of the nite. So lately he's been quite disrespectful, threatening to move out, staying out all nite & not coming home til the next morning. I'm trying to maintain some type of relationship w/him, however, he's making it very hard for me to continue. I've had friends/family that have told me to put him out of the house & let him find out how hard life is. I'm a little hesitant to do that because I don't want him to wind up in jail. Any ideas?

Before you all respond and tell me to kick him out, he's also slated to go off to college in Jan, which I believe would be the best thing for him. I'm trying to maintain some type of relationship with him til then while at the same time keeping him from getting in trouble. That's also the main thing that's hindering me from kicking him out, because he NEEDS to go off to school. I truthfully believe that if he doesn't, he won't ever go and he will throw away any remnants of a future he has left.

Answer 1

I feel deeply for you, 18 year olds are so full of themselves and usually have little respect for any kind of authority. Have you sought our his probation officer for suggestions on how to deal with him. I am concerned that he has already set the course for his life and suspect that he only is interested in going to college so he can be on his own. I can't tell you what to do,other than to seek counselling, but it just may be that what your sone NEEDS, is to spend some time in jail. perhaps the best way you can teach him responsibility is to let him make his mistakes AND do what you can to ensure the consequences are severe enough to get though all that testosterone. I guess I am talking TOUGH LOVE here, you have to do what you have to do. Good luck to you

Answer 2

Well done you are doing the right thing.
It is difficult but he will be fine at school.
Maybe buy him an Amtrak pass and let him explore the USA ?
Give him a trip before he leaves you it will help him a lot to learn to be responsible and grow up !
I was very lucky at 15 I got a job after school then I saved enough to travel.
He might find a nice girl on his travels and he will certainly do much better at school with some travelling experience.
In Europe he can buy an inter rail pass it is just 300 pounds for one month then it is free travel on all trains, especially night trains then no need to pay for accommodation.
He can goto Spain, morocco, Greece, even the boats are free with the pass.
Hey, just head down to yr local station !
Teach him to use a camping stove and boil rice so he can eat well without spending cash.
Or he could goto China to teach English.
A whole a world to explore !

Answer 3

Keep doing what you are with your son. Fight for his future, don't give up on him. Yes he's making threats, but has he done it? Its normal for a young man of 18 to act like this, but you make some really solid points. I would have a talk with him about what he really wants for his future. If he's going to college, then he's not stupid. I would tell him that his life and the consequences of his behavior and his actions are his and that means if he acts in a stupid way and gets in trouble with the police, then he has to pay the price, which might be losing his future. There isn't any easy answer, you cannot live his life for him. I wouldn't make threats and I wouldn't nag him. I would tell him that he can't have it both ways, and that a man not only considers the immediate but the future. Do not throw him out, but tell him again, that he is a man now and men do not disrespect their parents and men do not throw away their future. I'm not sure if you are mom or dad, but if there isn't any positive male role models in his life, this is the time to get some. Start with your minister or youth minister, or school principal. Someone who has his best interest in mind and who can talk to him on his level.
Stick in there, he's worth it, you raised a winner don't lose sight of that.

Answer 4

My son is of mixed race and looks Hispanic, he worked nights and drove a very distinctive car, he also wore a lot of bling and dressed hip hop, he made good money legally but he was constantly profiled by police, while on probation. Finally, he realized that what I was saying was true and changed his ways. Tell him that he is going away to college soon and can take control of his life then, obviously he wants to have time with his friends now but that is a slippery slope, especially after hours. Try to spend as much time with him as you can, take him to dinner, movie or whatever you both would enjoy together. He is not going to just sit at home by the TV with you. Reassure him that you love him and that when he leaves you're going to miss him terribly. The more time he gives you now, the less he'll have to get in trouble and you only have one month to get him through

Answer 5

Sit down with your son and explain to him that you are concerned about him. Tell him you love him, and you just don't want to see him end up in jail, or worse yet, throwing away a golden opportunity (getting an education) on a few good times. If you don't get a handle on him now, you're going to have some real problems when he goes off to school, because he'll be living on his own, and he will be tempted to drink/do drugs. You need to instill in him the importance and value of working hard, and doing the right thing if he's going to be successful in life. If you approach this without being on the attack, he'll respond well to you're being a concerned and loving parent (and he'll thank you later)!

Answer 6

I agree on the subject of the adulthood point being greater advantageous after 25 yrs. besides the reality that of direction, some get married way previously than this. even if in case you finally end up mature for 18yrs, you nonetheless yet to have greater existence journey and maturing to circulate by. in my view, i could wait until i became into comprehensive my learn or close to to it. Get your training below your belt first as a woman. in the journey that your love is meant to be, it may wait some years. Marriage will consistently be there, if he's the single for you. it rather is a stability between the middle and one's recommendations. not in ordinary terms emotion on my own. although, the alternative truly is as much as you. good luck.

Answer 7

If your son is indulging in alcohol or drugs, his personality may be changing due to their toxic influence, and I would take harsh action- like telling him to get into counseling or rehab or putting him out, which would be tough love.

If this is the normal "I'm a man! I don't need my parent's sensible advice!" thing that young men usually do, I would hang in there with him, and point out that teens always think nothing is going to happen to them. But according to statistics, somebody is going to jail- and plenty of them are18 years old.

Answer 8

Tough one...I would have a heart to heart (quietly if you can - sounds like there has been enough struggle). I would remind him that you have BEEN where he is coming from, so you see the pitfalls that he may not. Acknowledge that he is struggling to fly and ask him to respect your house and you as a mother. Maybe if he sees that you are reacting because you love him, he will soften up that hard head of his....


Many blessings,
Susan

Answer 9

i was in your situation last year with my 18 year old then 17 he wasn't listening to me. he even violated a restrainging order that i had put on his stepaunt/uncle. he was getting into trouble at school. when i got a call 1 day at work that he was suppended for being disrupting in class and talking about drugs. oh i went to the school had a long talk with the principal told them if they believed him to have drugs in his system then test him. i knew for a fact he was innocent. i explained all he was trying to do was look cool. they didn't drug test him however i did. took the test to the school and demanded him to be put back in class. when that didn't happen i demanded that the principal and teacher be drug tested. they were not very happy with me. after meeting with my attorney's they concluded it best to let my son back in school. later that week my son was walking home from school some boys jumped out of a car and tried to beat him up. he has a blackbelt, when it turned into 3 on 1. well he broke 2 arm's 1 leg on 2 guy's who were over 18. the cops were called the only thing that saved him was the fact it happened right in front of his stepdads work. he had witnesses lots of them. when he went back to school on that monday they tried to expell him again for fighting after school then we go another round of talks. i had to prove him innocent again. this was getting way out of hand i had no choice but to send him to live with his dad in another state to keep him safe. TOUGH LOVE HONEY. my son was just trying to fit into different crowds of kids. just trying to be cool you remember your teenage life was hard enough on you growing up. sometimes we know our sons are real good boys. when they reach an age to where they know everything no talking or reasoning in the world can him them. i had to make a choice for him not me. it was very tough, very hard cause he was my baby boy. he isn't a baby anymore, he is becoming a man wanted to be respected a such when he acts like a child i treated him like one. when he acted like a man i treated him like one. i learned the hard way a momma can't keep fighting her sons battles, they have to learn on there own.

Answer 10

PERSONALY I BELIEVE IN TOUGH LOVE AND THAT WE NEVER REALY LEARN OTHER THAN THROUGH THE CONSEQUENCES OF OUR OWN ACTIONS BUT YES I CAN UNDERSTAND MOTHERS LOVE PROTECTION OF HER CHILDREN BUT REALY FOR CHANGE TO HAPPEND HE NEED TO LEARN TO TAKE MORE SELF RESPONSIBILITY AND HIS CHOICES AFFECT HIS LIFE NOT URS UP TO U MUM BUT I WOULD SAY CHOICE IS TO LIVE BY MY RULES OR MAKE UR OWN WAY IN LIFE BUT ID ALWAYS LET HIM BACK IF HE FELL WHICH SOME TIMES U KNOW THEY WILL LEARNING LESSON THATS ALL A KIND LESSON GOOD LUCK MUM ONLY U CAN DECIDE WHAT U CAN LIVE WITH I BELIVE IN SHOWING OUR CHILDREN WE ARE TO BE RESPECTED AND WE ARE NOT PUSH OVERS FOR PEOPLE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF