How to help my 3 yr. old to understand about his best friend's cancer?

Question

Sadly, we just found out that my son's best friend @ preschool has been unexpectedly diagnosed with stomach cancer. This is my son's 1st yr. in preschool but really got attached to this boy. Its been 2 wks since his friend left for the hospital & my son has been isolating himself from others, aggressive behavior, throwing huge tantrums & even stepped backwards in potty training skills. I provide lots of TLC & his teacher is very supportive also. But he just won't talk about it. What else should I do to help him to deal with his feelings? How can I get him to surface them? We've sent gifts to his friend to let him know he's missed. any other suggestions?

Answer 1

My heart goes out to you and your young son. Given your circumstance, Life and Death is not an easy subject, but needs to be a lesson learned at a young age. There is an **excellent** series by HBO that is available on DVD called "Harold and The Purple Crayon". In that series is a there is a segment called "I Remember Goldie" about when Harold's goldfish dies. It explains the "Cycle of Life" in a way children can understand and apply it to their own lives.

I played it for my children when our beloved family dog died earlier this year. When it was over, we talked about it. I explained to them that when something like this happens, you express how you feel with the people you love. My son ran to his room to cry alone. I followed him to his room and taught him that when you feel like crying, it's best to express it with someone you love and to cry together, as I'm sure you've done. This is your opportunity to show your young son how to grieve for a loss and remember the good things, as they will be with him always.

In addition, if it's been said his friend is "sick", he may be scared that when HE is sick or gets a tummy ache, the same will happen to him. I will **strongly** suggest to you to seek professional help in this for your son. Especially if his friend passes away. What a horrible thought! Children's Hospital has specialists that will give you the tools to help your boy. A program called PCIT (Parent Child Interactive Therapy) is an excellent way to get it all out there, and will help YOU with tools to learn how to address the aggressive or otherwise anti-social behaviors he is exhibiting. This is his CRY FOR HELP. As his parent, it's up to YOU to respond.

My own experience and reasons for seeking professional help for my children are very different, but this program did help my children, who are still in Therapy. Depending on your health insurance, you may have to get a referral to Children's from his Pediatrician, and it may be a struggle. Be insistent. Your son's future mental well being depends on how *YOU* take action to help him.

Answer 2

t three, your son is really too young to be able to control strong emotions. He acts out his fears through his aggression and tantrums. He's lost one friend suddenly and without any apparent reason, so he's probably scared to make others. He may even blame himself because his friend is sick.

I think all you can do is be very loving and supportive, and provide opportunities for him to talk to you without pressuring him.

Help him to think about his friend in positive ways. Say "It's such a pity that xx is so ill. I expect he really misses you and wishes he could play with you. He's missing a lot of fun in school. Wouldn't it be nice if we could write a letter/make a video and tell him about all the things you've been doing?" Then you can write down his words to send to his friend, or maybe get the class involved in making a video if his teacher and the boy's parents agree.

Your son may react to this - just listen to what he says, even if it's a bit incoherent, and ask him gentle questions and offer ideas, but let him cut off the conversation when he's ready. Also listen to him carefully, as random comments at dinner or when he thinks you're not listening may not be so random at all. Maybe he talks to a favourite toy?

I hope your son's friend makes a recovery, but if not, you will help him to come to terms with his loss. Three is very young to realise what death does, but with your support he will cope.

Answer 3

Your child may be reacting to the extra carefull treatment you and others are giving him. Give it to him straight. Children are very resilient. Strong beyond our understanding. It is a tragic thing that his friend is going through but after all your son is a young child. His biggest concerns are play time, nap time, eat time. You may be spending too much time focusing on adult concerns and it could be frustrating him. So, if you haven't already, tell him why his friend is no longer able to attend preschool. Keep it short, simple and to the point. Then drop it. If he has questions or concerns answer he truthfully but without adding unneccessary details. All will be fine. Good luck!!!

Answer 4

Your child is so young and for him to understand something like this is just not normal. I would consider a child therapist or even a pediatrician to help explain. Really though I think the easiest thig to do is tell him friend is very ill and may not be returning to school anytime soon that he is in the hospital.
Consider taking your child to visit him if he sees that his friend is not well it will comfort him that you told him the truth.

Really though something like this can be very traumatic on a child this young consider telling your boy that his friend moved away and may not be returning that he wanted to say goodbye but thought it best not too.

Answer 5

Wow you have a ruff task ahead of you.
I wish I could come up withe the prefect thing to say but sheet how can any one find a way to tell a child that young.
try telling him that his buddy is very sick and that a lot of people are trying to help him.
And if they can't nobody will ever take away the friendship your son had for his pal.
And that some day he will get to see his friend in heaven.
Give my best wishes to his Friend parents and let them know that Meany people Ar praying for there son.

Answer 6

I'm not sure if a 3 year old could grasp the concept. My son is also 3 and I can't imagine that he'd be able to understand that his friend had cancer.

I guess you could just tell him that his friend is very sick and he won't be at school for awhile. I'm sure you've already tried that though. Tough situation. I'm sorry. Perhaps its time to seek professional help.

Answer 7

I don't know if a 3-year old child can grasp the meaning of his friend having cancer. Just treat him normally. Let him be friends with other children. In time, he will forget his sadness about his sick friend. Children can overcome sadness. There are children who lose their parents at a young age and they can overcome it. Just treat him normally. Do not mention the friend often. In time, he will forget. As they say, time heals all wounds.