My wife and I have had a rocky marriage for the last 9ms b/c I had to travel a lot for work for 2007. A couple weeks ago I came home and caught her cheating. Now we're starting the divorce process and she's staying w/ her mom by choice.
My issue has to do with our three boys. They're 12, 8 and 5 and currently living w/ me in our home. I'm asked daily about why mom isn't home and I'm not sure if I should tell them what their mother did or just say that Mom and I weren't getting along as the reason why she's gone/we're getting a divorce. Maybe only tell the oldest and not the other two? I honestly have no idea what to do, what the effect of telling all or one of them the truth will be or what will happen if they have to come into court during the custody battle and they hear the reasons behind the divorce. They talk to/see their mother from time to time and when they ask her why she's not home, she blows it off.
Any suggestions or advice?
2007-11-30 12:47:03 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Parenting
Do not involve them in the details - they do not need to know that. They should not be in court when the reasons are being played out - they should only have to be there if and when their testimony is required - which it most likely won't. Your children do not need to be a part of that.
You can explain that sometimes parents can't be married anymore, and there are many reasons for it. Explain that you wish it could be another way, but it just can't.
She blows off those questions, because she doesn't know how to answer them either.
Be the grownup (as you clearly have been so far), and level with your boys that while your marriage is over, you and their mother still love them very much, and that none of this is their fault.
When they are adults, you can let them know - the oldest may even have a sneaking suspicion already - you'd be surprised what kids hear when you think they're asleep or aren't paying attention.
Your kids don't need to know the dirty details.
2007-11-30 12:57:21 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 7⤊ 0⤋
The reason you and your wife split up are between you and her only. You should not tell your kids the real reason or blame one or the other. You both should get the kids together and explain while you both still love them very much you are not going to be with each other any more but you need to make sure that they understand that it is not their fault and that they will still be loved and taken care of and they will still get to see both of you. You should also tell family and close friends not to talk about it around the kids or tell them things you dont think they should hear. Your children will not be in the court room in some cases judges may speak with them in private but they wont be involved in any battles but I hope for the sake of your children there wont be a battle. I'm sorry for you I know it will be hard when you probably feel hurt by what your wife did but by telling the kids even the oldest you dont hurt her you will only hurt the kids. I wouldnt even tell them after they were adults unless they just point blank ask. good luck
2007-11-30 13:39:49 · answer #2 · answered by Ariana 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Wow, I'm really sorry that you found yourself in this situation. I cant say that I have been thorough the same thing in either instances but...
I don't think it would be wise to tell your boys the very reason why 'mommy' is leaving. It might damage them more then what is necessary. Just love your boys no matter what and always let them know that you'll be there for them no matter what. I hope to God that they don't have to be dragged into court to hear the truth. Because they are too young to hear it. When they get older you can have a heart to heart with them and tell them the reasons why it didn't work out between you and your wife.
For now maybe you can say something like. Your Mother and I love you boys very much but we're not getting along right now. We think it is best for us to separate but it has NOTHING to do with you boys. None of this is your fault! Your mother and I will never love you any less and we will always be there for you. etc.
The kids will definitely have to be reassured because they always think its their fault or that they wont be loved or be paid attention to. It is very important to assure them. Life will be difficult but you (and your family) will just need time adjust. Again I am very sorry that you have to go through this, it is very unfortunate. Good luck with your kids, I'll pray for you! I hope that you find Happiness and peace :)
2007-11-30 13:05:52 · answer #3 · answered by Tori 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Just tell them that the two of you aren't getting along any more and don't love each other so you have decided to get a divorce and live apart.
Make sure that the boys understand that both of you love them very much and that the two of you splitting up has nothing to do with them because that is usually what they will think and they need the reassurance that they aren't the cause of the two of you separating.
The two of you need to have an agreement that neither of you will put the other down to the boys. They have to have love and respect for the both of you and you won't gain either if you tell them bad things about their mom and she tells them bad things about you. They need to have the love of both of you and the understanding of both of you. The two of you should not fight in front of the boys either, you should decide right now that you will be friendly to each other, at least when you are around the kids. Be civil to each other, don't openly show hate for one another.
Good luck.
2007-11-30 13:03:44 · answer #4 · answered by wetsaway 6 · 2⤊ 0⤋
dont tell them the details they are still so young. Just tell them sometimes marriages dont work and mommy and daddy were an example. I would deffinatly let them talk with a counselor so they can understand more if they want but not details. A school counselor is a great resource. Dont tell the oldest! my parents did something similar and not understanding all i told my younger siblings as a secret and hurt them cause they were afraid to ask yet didnt understand and I couldnt explain all as i was only 9 or 10. they need someone professional to talk to to get them through this new transition you will do fine stay strong and dont tell them more then they need to know
2007-11-30 13:04:20 · answer #5 · answered by proud family 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
You shouldn't tell the children what their mother did right now. They are really too young to understand what it really means, and you don't want them to get angry at her for this, because as a good parent, you understand that she cheated on you, and not them. You should tell them that you and their mother can no longer live together, and were unhappy, but that you both love them very much.
Most children don't attend custody hearings, and the reason behind a divorce (besides abuse) really don't play any part in who ends up getting custody. As much as it bothers you, you need to talk to your soon to be ex wife and both of you figure out a way to talk to the children, maybe talk to them together, you don't want to tell conflicting things. Don't lie, but you don't have to tell them mommy is a cheat.
2007-11-30 12:56:40 · answer #6 · answered by Zyggy 7 · 3⤊ 0⤋
Though Q. I recommend professional medical help (psychiatrist, or professional family councilor) . The course of action you take today will affect the children for the rest of their lives. With so much at stake, having a professional on your side for advise is the best way to go. Use their experience to your advantage. Plus, seek out support groups, most are free and will help you too. Check with your local hospital for the best references....
2007-11-30 13:06:01 · answer #7 · answered by Roe 1 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I would just tell them that the two of you weren't getting along. Don't tell them about your wife cheating on you. I understand that you want to be honest with your children, but telling them about bad things that their mother did won't be doing them any good.
2007-11-30 12:54:22 · answer #8 · answered by angelofdysfunktion 3 · 4⤊ 0⤋
I would just say things werent working out. you dont have to get into details. It will eventually come out. you dont want your kids or your ex or even the judge to think you are trying to turn their mother against her just because of something she did. It could turn out badly for you if the judge thinks you are being a jerk!
sorry about the whole situation though. I hate it when people are unfaithful. just get a divorce if you wanna sleep around. ugh
2007-11-30 12:54:33 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 3⤊ 0⤋
What you need to do is have like a fun day with them, take them out to play games and eat pizza and ice cream. then slowly break it down to them that you and your (ex)wife both want to be happy. But to be happy you need to see other people. Tell them that you to will always love them and nothing could ever change that. <3 # TheDivorceTalk
2013-12-21 19:34:43 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋