What do you honestly think of women who don't want (or like) kids?

Question

I'm 24 years old, and I don't particually like kids and babies. Never have, never will, and definately don't want any of my own. When ever I tell people this, they either look at me like I'm Hitler, or they pitty me. Why is this? Or if it's not that, they will say "Oh, you're young, you will change your mind" which i think is extremely patronising. I've never had paternal instincts, it just doesn't come naturally to me. So why do you think me and other women like me get judged? Do you think this makes us bad people?

*Edit* To the people who said i will change my mind....when I said "I don't particually like kids and babies", i was going easy as I knew i was in the 'parents' group, but i'll just say it straight.... I really can't stand children!

Sorry, i meant maternal....

Answer 1

There are actually many women who do not want kids so you are not only not alone, you are also stronger than most.

Many people don't think enough about having children so kudos to the fact that you have given this much thought.
Some people don't realize this till it is too late.

People think of you poorly when you say you don't want kids because, for some people, kids are all they have. Everyone knows they cost a lot of money, raising them takes a alot of sacrifice, and it changes your life forever. A lot of people could never identify with someone who hasn't given into the "traditional family" influences that are continuously thrown at us through news, movies, and our culture as a whole. You are actually stepping on our cultures toes when you choose to not have children. Our culture has chosen that children are symbols of innocense and new beginning, and, the parents that raise them are deemed "mature" and "stable". If you don't raise children people assume that you must be "unfit" to do so, and that things are probably better off that way.(With you not having children)

There is also a lot of money and time spent on assuring rights and freedoms to families, you will be seen as someone who might go against the things in our institutions that help families. In other words, people might deem you the enemy. They fear anything that goes against social norms because of ignorance and prejudice.

So, when you tell people that you don't plan on having any children this strikes a resounding chord within them. They feel that you must be selfish, because they were taught that to raise children is a very selfless act. They feel that something must be wrong with you otherwise you would feel like they do.....after all everybody wants a family right? ( sarcasm placed here)

We live in a society whose most pervasive influence is patriarchy and whose largest protected unit is the traditional family. Don't be amazed that people will try to make you feel bad and ashamed at choosing to not have children. By not having children you sacrifice much as well... a major thing being that you willfully place yourself outside of the protected structure of family. Take heart. Expect people to treat you differently, and know that many people won't realize necessarily why they feel uncomfortable with your choice they just will. Understand the world around you and you will understand why they judge you.
You are not a threat no matter what people think. I respect your decision.. good luck to you.

Answer 2

Let's all face facts, there is a certain stigma that goes with being a woman who does not have and (worse yet ;)) does not want kids. People look at me like I am crazy, mean, or selfish...I say just the opposite.

1. I do not like kids. Why would I have kids knowing that I do not like them? The "cute" words they say or tantrums they throw are neither cute nor endearing to me. Bottom line, even the best behaved children are only tolerable to me.

I say that I do not like kids b/c they are needy, can not accurately communicate their thoughts and feelings, are easily influenced by their environments, have little independent judgment, etc...so yes, I can say that I do not "like" kids. The very nature of being a child is something that I do not care for. It is not their fault that they have no sense of responsibility when they are little or can not communicate. However, these are things that I do not care for therefore I do not like kids.

Now find me a todler who can talk Hawthorne or discuss the economy or situation in Iraq, contemplate the cosmos, or reflect on the complexities of life and I might change my mind!

2. The world is way over-populated as it is, why would I add to the already starined environment by adding another human to the planet. Selfish, I don't think so.

3. There is nothing so amazing about my DNA that I feel compelled to pass it along. Yeah there are some good qualities, but there are also some bad...I mean how egocentric do you have to be to believe that you are your partner are o'so special and possess such amazing DNA that it deserves to be replicated.

4. The whole stigma goes back to the patriarchally dominated society that puts value only on women who have babies--as if women have no other value. Guess what, I have a LOT of value, in fact, I say that we are MORE valuable for NOT having kids. (See above environmental strain already).

So I say good for you! I am not going to lie, there have been fleeting moments as I have gotten older (into my mid 30s) when I see a very cute baby that the thought speeds through my head, but that is all that the "ticking clock" and "maternal" instict drives in me--a fleeting thought racing to get out of my head so that more rational thoughts can resume.

That all being said, I do not advertise that I don't like kids or want kids. If people ask, I tell them, but I do not feel the need to advertise it--but then again I am pretty private (sans Yahoo answers apparently :)).

Answer 3

I think people make those exclamations because they feel such incredible love for their kids that they think people who don't have any are truly missing something. That being said, I am 49, married for 30 years (married at 19) and we do not have children. Never tried, never desired to. Are we happy? Yup. Do we regret the decision? No. We can get our "baby fix" by playing dotting Aunt and Uncle to assorted neices and nephews and friends. And the best part, to us, is that they go home to Mommy and Daddy at the end of the weekend.

Answer 4

Sorry for being blunt yet whilst i understand from earlier that u have 2 young ones i could look the different direction. in case you have a reliable character and robust seems, would not could be great yet in basic terms carry your self nicely, than i could bypass out with u and after numerous dates u style of could ease into the youngsters area and want that i don't turn my returned. or you are able to in basic terms detect a guy who has young ones. yet a minimum of detect a guy who has additionally divorced and knows of what they want. It makes it plenty much less annoying.

Answer 5

You are perfectly normal ..... I feel the same, I would say this though asking questioning like this on the P+P section normally means you are in for a load of abuse, you know what women are like. I have asked questions like this before and I have to say I cannot believe how down right vile people (women) are on this section..... I normally ignore women with stupid comments like " you are selfish for not wanting children or you will change your mind later" they do not realise how ridiculous they sound .. pity them I say

You are not a bad person they are just narrow minded assuming that everyone will want the same things in life .. power to you ...

Answer 6

I can understand it - some people aren't maternal.
We have one child and can honestly say we don't want anymore now we know how much hard work you need to put in, we thought our child won't be like this and that, they won't do such and such and our expectations were wrong, lol.

I think people judge women like you because they don't understand how you feel when you don't have a child of your own - i don't particularly like other peoples children all that much because i'm not comfortable with them however i love our child so much it's indescribable.

I'm not particularly maternal because i have no experience of other children and what they are like - i grew up as a single child and weren't mixed with other children to know what to expect from them.

Answer 7

Its up to you if you want children or not. It doesn't make you a bad person. I respect your views after all some people dont like or want a dog no difference really. I have 3 daughters and the eldest one likes children but doesn't want any she is now 36 and would have too much to give up. The other 2 daughters have 5 boys between them and an other one on the way. Do what you want not what others want you to do.

Answer 8

I think that there are still some people who on some level believe that it's a woman's job to have kids. I'm much like you. I've always known that I don't like children. I started saying it when I was about 12 and I got the same response, "You'll change your mind." Honestly, I never changed my mind. I still don't like children. Children are not for everyone and I commend you for knowing and being honest about what you do and don't want in your life.

Answer 9

I am 41 and I do not have children, I have never been maternal and do not regret my decision not to have children. I have a wonderful partner, a very happy and healthy life, a wonderful job and my own business - my life is very full and happy. It IS possible to be happy and not have children. The line "you will change your mind" is most patronising. Can you imagine saying to a woman who has just told you she is pregnant "don't worry, you can change your mind"! It is insulting. Often the decision NOT to have children is just as thought out as the decision to have children. It seems to me that perhaps there are some women who perhaps should have given some more thought to having children! The sadest and most selfish women of all are the ones who have children so they have someone to look after them when they are old! How self centered - I lived next door to an old lady a few years ago that had four children - she died alone (with me doing her shopping every saturday for years) - her children finally showed their faces at her funeral and the reading of her will. Says it all. Good for you - never feel patronised for not having children - make no excuses. Many women choose not to have children - I like children but I do not want the regimented and routine (and often dull) lifestyle that children bring.

Answer 10

I spent my life feeling like this, even my mom would back me up and say 'she'll never have kids'. I am so selfish about my own private space and time. I still can't believe I have two now, I got pregnant at 33, it wasn't planned, I was extremely career minded and was succesful in both my work and private life. But I saw the scan and knew I had to go through with it. My suggestion is, if anyone asks, just say I have no immediate plans for children, it's a fair answer and you won't look stupid if one day you do change your mind. There really is no need to announce how you feel about motherhood if you don't like the response.
p.s I couldn't even stand my own nephews and nieces, let alone other peoples kids. I adore mine and have a new understanding. It comes down to ignorance, you cannot relate to how it feels to have a child so have no real emotion towards them.
pps. It's even more patronizing to call us dull and regimented because we are moms, my life is less regimented now and full of life than ever, do not judge me when you have no idea what it is to be a mother. My children fill my days with love and laughter, me and my partner are stronger and happier than ever...we live an idilic life that could not and would not be without them. I've seen both sides of the mirror and realise my life of socialising and champagne had an end date to it..can you imagine doing what you are doing now as you get older? If people dont want kids fine, if you don't have them, fine...don't judge what you don't know, mothers are not the ones being patronising here, it's the women that accuse us of it because we have more knowledge and experience than them in this argument. We know what each side of the argument has to offer...I've not seen one person yet that says i never wanted kids, h\ad them, regret it!!