Has anyone had a complete falling out with their Mother, Father or Both?

Question

Ok I'm in my late 20's -just a note

I mean I havent spoken to them in years and I choose not to because my life was devistating where as now I know who I am and what I need to do.

I feel guilt sometimes but just because they are my parents does not mean they are the best for me....

My mother was verbally and phisically abusive.
Never pro-active
never had time to appreciate anything
My father never cared about anything at all and was also abusive

Answer 1

I am the Mother that my kids won't have anything to do with. I was a very bad alcoholic and drug addict from the time my oldest daughter was about 2. When she was 13 and my youngest was 7, my mother took guardianship of them...she had to because I couldn't take care of me let alone them. For two years she refused to let me see them. I was scared to death of my mother, always was. You were either living life by her rules or she would disown you. I spent my whole life trying to live up to her expectations, and somehow I always fell short. Anyway, during those two years, my children thought I had abandoned them, when, in fact, I was ticketed and arrested for phone harrassment. I simply called to speak to my girls. Finally, after my mother tried to have them adopted, literally, and tried to transfer guardianship to another couple, I went to court and regained custody. I have been sober 5 years December 16th...but that is not good enough for my girls. I changed, but they won't forgive me and they certainly refuse counseling. My guess is that they are afraid of change...or they may have to look at themselves and that is scary...especially if all they know themselves to be is "the daughter of a drunk". I have been accountable for my behavoir, apologized, tried to be there for them(and I have let them use my guilt against me for money, doing their laundry, cleaning their apartments), and endured their angry comments...I finally said "no more"! I refuse to keep apologizing, because every day I stay sober is an apology, and I will not be abused in my own home, nor will I be keeping you financially happy, deliver your laundry or clean your house. I understand that because I have changed it doesn't mean they should automatically trust, love, and respect me, but they could at least give the relationship a try...I know more about my relationship with my 19 year old by reading her latest blog on myspace...She certainly sheds an ugly light on me and I think it is sad that she gets attention from that...or rather at my expense. Relationships are two ways and both ways have to be open, honest and willing to change or grow...forgiving me would be for thier benefit and yet they choose to stay angry and victimized, where is the payoff in that? I am not only grieving the loss of thier childhoods but the loss of an adult daughter/mother relationship. I have been on both ends of this...my mother's controlling, manipulative ways and the unbearable loss of my own children. We, as children, don't get to chose our parents, and we, as parents, don't get instructions on how to raise our kids.

Answer 2

I am in the process of having a final falling out with my father now, my mother died about 7 years ago. My sister and my father haven't had a relationship since shortly after my mother died. I wouldn't feel guilty, not that there is anything wrong with you, but some people just are meant to breed. I've seen a lot of people who just don't care about their kids. If you made an effort with them and they made you miserable, then I wouldn't feel guilty at all. Doesn't it seem like as adult children, we feel so much of the strain of a bad relationship with our parents? Especially if we've had a chance to see how life can be with out them, and how healthy families interact?

PS I am in my early 20's

Answer 3

I'm in a similar situation. I would not call it a falling out. Believe it or not my father has hated me my whole life. He's in his 80's now and regardless of what I accomplish in life, he loves to make me feel like a worthless piece of s h i t . I would recommend that you visit your parents once a year even if it is a bit unpleasant. What I do is visit my sister whenever I'm on leave from the Army and sometimes I'll see my parents at my sister's place.

Answer 4

I cut off all communication with my father years ago. Don't feel guilty about protecting yourself, just as you don't need to feel guilty for avoiding poison in your food.

It may be sad, but it is reality, that sometimes you are better off without certain people in your life.

When my son was about 4 or 5, I caught myself being amazed one day because I never knew there could be such love between a father and son. It's too bad it was impossible with my dad, but that's the way it is. The last time I visited him for a few days, I was literally sick for a couple of weeks afterward because of the emotional problems.

He's never going to change. I am healthier, happier, more secure, and a better person for just not having anything to do with the man.

Answer 5

Yes. My father. He died before we could make up. Not that I think we ever could have, but when I found out he had cancer, and approached him to make peace, he refused to see me. The man was an alcoholic, and bitterly selfish. He resented his kids and called us parasites. This is when we were tiny. He routinely had affairs, and we lived in fear of him.
The biggest freedom of my life came when I told him how I felt about the life he'd made for us. I loved my father dearly, by the way, but he was a rotten father and a bad husband.
Parents should learn that their kids grow up and will look at them through an adults eyes. And judge them.
My father is dead now, I will never see him again. And yes, I still love him and regret the fact that we never managed to sort out our differences. But it takes two people to have a relationship and quite frankly, my father wasn't up to it.
If you can, try and have some sort of relationship with your parents. Keep them at a distance emotionally, but they probably do love you and you could still have a relationship that could benefit you.

Answer 6

Yes. Neither were good parents. I think many people blame their parents for circumstances and personal flaws. I think they may be right. In my experience committing to move on and assume full responsibility for the direction of my life has been liberating. I have a relationship with my parents-on my own terms. Be careful that you do not allow your parents to continue hurting you. Remember, you allow others to treat you good or bad. It is your choice. You are an adult.

Answer 7

Father...He chose not to be around much when I was a child and now that I'm grown... late 20's as well.. he wants to have a relationship with me and I said no. I've probably talked twice to him in the last 8 years and it was by accident.

Answer 8

I was abused by a family member and have no relationship with him for 16 years. I dont plan on ever forgiving or forgetting, dont plan on ever talking to him again. But everyone is different -some people can forgive and forget - depending on the situation and the person's values. If you want to have a relationship with them, then do it. But I dont feel guilty turning my back on any family member if they have 'CHOSEN' to hurt me.

Answer 9

I fell out with my father.
I tried to mend things but he has a new wife and a step daughter. He's to busy with his new life, I tried setup a meeting with him a few times but he flaked on me so I decided I just need to live my life.
Maybe I try again later in life who knows but for now I'm good

Answer 10

You said it all. Just because someone gives birth to you doesn't make them good parents or good people. If someone doesn't make your life better, easier or brighter, then don't keep them in it.

Keep in mind, sometimes people do change but lots of times they don't. If you decide to contact then again, be wary and careful.