Why do adoptive parents want a baby that looks like them?

Question

I asked in a previous post about people only wanting white babies. One of the prevailing answers is that people want a baby who looks like them. Why do adoptive parents want their baby to look like them? To be honest, I think this is a stupid answer. Other than that I really can't come up with anything else. I think this makes no difference at all in the parent adoptee relationship. What are your thoughts? For some reason I can't gather my thoughts around this so if somebody could help it would be great.

Answer 1

So they can play 'lets pretend this is our real child' I guess

In the old days adopted families were designed to be indistinquishable from natural families (hence the close matching and closed records and secrecy so nobody would know)

Nowadays that's all changed and it's about time people caught up to living in the current century

(Your bubba is adorable btw)

Answer 2

When a couple decide to have children, usually they plan to have their own. When they find they can't, they want a child that will most look like them when they are grown. Also, some couples feel that the child would have a better chance if there were few or no physical characteristics that differ from the adoptive parent...allegedly, the child would fit in better with the extended family, etc.

Then, you have some adoptive parent that don't care what the baby looks like, what race the child is, whether or not it has any defects, etc. These are just people that want to raise kids for the love of raising kids.

I'm trying to adopt a 13 year old. Am I crazy?

Answer 3

Actually many whites who have a heart for adoption have a heart for children and therefore any children, especially ones in need from places like South America, India, China, Vietnam, Africa, etc.. I really would like to adopt when I grow up and would want to adopt a child/children from any of these places. In other words, I agree with you but I don't think what the people who answered your last question said was correct. They were probably know-it-alls that just made up an answer.

Answer 4

There was a question on this board not too long ago posted by an adoptee about how to deal with people who ask them about being adopted. The asker was of a different race than their adoptive parents, and so even complete strangers would ask if they were adopted or questions about being adopted.

(I can understand this because when we had our natural children they were twins. People would stop us in the street to ask about them. This became very annoying after a time. In one case, a person literally followed us through a store to ask us if they were twins.)

When we adopted, we wanted to be seen as a family. We did not want the constant attention by people say "I wonder if they are adopted!?" We are open about the fact our boys are adopted, but don't want it to define who they are.

Answer 5

I think this is complicated. First of all, I think it is easier for a child to not to be separated from his or her race and culture, but that COULD be an excuse by some adoptive parents for just not wanting a baby of a different race as much. Some people, even in this day and age, probably even want to be able to 'pass off" their adopted child as their biological child- ughhh. I certainly can't pass off my daughter as a biological child since she's Asian and I'm white, but I have examined my own motives in our adoption decisions. My husband is Asian and I'm white. We decided to adopt from Asia. Do I think that it is good for our daughter that half of her extended family she is growing up with is Asian? Yes. So, that was truly one of the reasons we decided on the program we did. Could we have provided a Black child the same connection to his or her roots? Probably not. Is that fair, or is that a racist decision on our part since decisions like ours mean that Black children remain without families? I honestly don't know.

Answer 6

I think I understand this, though I don't agree with it.

I certainly don't think all adoptive parents are in it for the wrong reasons. I know that there are good, conscientious adoptive parents out there. Please don't take my answer as a blanket criticism.

But some people want children out of a need to fulfill some ego need they have. They might do this biologically. But if they can't, or won't for some reason, adoption is a way to fulfill that desire to see themselves reflected in someone else. In that case, they would want a child who would be as much like them as possible. I've known several narcissistic parents (biological) who tried very much to get their children to follow in their footsteps. Someone who cannot have their own children, may have some of those same tendencies. (Again, NOT ALL adoptive parents fit this.)

This may not be as bad as some of the narcissistic parents I know, too. Some may feel like they won't know how to raise a child who doesn't look like them with a full sense of their culture and heritage. That may be less an ego trip and more someone who has a sense that culture and heritage may be important. (I don't know that they cannot give that to children from different backgrounds, but I recognize some people feel that way.) This is, perhaps, a better reason for that impulse.

I know that, in the past, social workers would try to match babies in the belief that the child would be more easily absorbed into the new family. I don't know how much of that belief remains today.

So there may be several different reasons ranging from the selfish (narcissistic tendencies) to the (misguided?) altruistic ones. It also strikes me that there could be, in some cases, unconscious (or conscious?) racism at work.

I'm sure others have some insights into this as well. But I do think it's a good question to try to work through.

Answer 7

Okay, I can't fully answer this.

But, my uncle adopted one of his sons. He didn't ask for a white baby or anything. He got what he got. It just turns out he looks like him. (White with black hair) Now I'm sure my uncle would have loved Alex no matter what. But, its kinda nice when the baby looks like you. Strangers don't assume stuff. Nobody asks questions. It seems natural.

But, I don't thimk that's a reason to turn down a kid of a different race.

I guess this is a pretty bad answer...sorry.

Answer 8

We adopted and the birthmother selected us over many other couples. We had no say in what our child was going to look like and didn't really care. We just wanted a baby to love and be a part of our family. The wierd thing is our son does look like my husband. But if he didn't look like either of us we wouldn't care. We love our son for who he is not for how he looks. We are very open about his adoption, too.

Answer 9

I don't really know as we adopted transracially. I can't imagine that ever being a criteria for us.

That said, it is good when people know their own limits. Not everyone is suited to be a transracially adoptive family. You have to know yourself (and your innermost prejudices) well and you need to be willing to make sacrifices to provide more options and opportunities to your child (ie, perhaps if you live in a small all white town, maybe be willing to move to a more diverse town, you should be willing to embrace another culture into your family, etc).

If someone really doesn't think they are suited to raise a child that "doesn't look like them," I wouldn't want them to attempt it, purely for the child's sake.

Answer 10

Well, a couple of reasons. So that the child will blend in well with the family. Benefits both. The other is that when you are different from those around you, you tend to get unwanted attention (just ask any parent of a disabled child).

It is no different from women who are able to conceive and bear a child. Many have no desire to have a mixed race child, so do not date men of other races. It may have nothing to do with the race but the culture. Who knows. However, in my area, it is so common to see folks who have adopted a child from China, Korea, or S. America, nobody bats an eye at it.