HELP!! My overbearing mother is coming for christmas!?

Question

I know there is alot of you out there with difficult mothers. Don't get me wrong, I love her she just can be very.....what's the word, controling, challenging, manipulative, dishonest, insincere. I have four children and this time of year is very important to me. Honestly, I am not even sure she knows all my kids names. She only sends gifts to my daughter but never my sons for their birthdays and I always have to make up some excuse to protect their feelings. How do I carefully draw the boundaries. I'm not interested in confronting her on her behavior because she is like a wild animal who feels threatened when she cornered and she attacks you back or throws a giant guilt trip on you for feeling the way you feel. Should I just grit my teeth and get through it. Any tips?

Thank goodness she's not staying with me...she'll be at my sisters house a 1/2 mile away.

Answer 1

I have a question for you...why are you doing this? Seriously, why?

From the description of your Mom she sounds very much like my Mom...maybe we are sisters? It took me a long, long time but I finally learned that I don't *need* my Mother in my life. Oh, at the time I thought it was the hardest decision of my life, but in the years since my life has had peace. Real peace and not turmoil. No more trying to please her, when it's impossible to actually please her anyway. No more little digs that keep me awake crying at night.

The hard part is this thinking we are programmed into, "They are our parents so we *have* to have a relationship with them. We have to pretend that everything is nice." Bull crap. Life is what it is. Parents are not necessarily nice people. Haven't you known people who just shouldn't have had kids? That's reality. It sucks when it's the reality of your family life...but life goes on, and you're still happy. Life is what you make it.

After years and years of dealing with a Mother like yours I finally came to the conclusion that she didn't want to change. It took a lot, but I decided that I didn't need to continually expose myself to someone who was going to intentionally hurt me, Mommy or not. I quit playing her games, I got serious and I told her so. Basically, I gave her a list of behaviors that were unacceptable and told her that if those didn't change I could not allow our relationship to continue. I told her the ball was in her court. That was 8 years ago, and I haven't heard from her since...not even when we lost our child. I know I made a good decision.

The hardest part is facing the drama, and that's why you don't want to confront her. That is her way of not being held responsible. It's like a child throwing a tantrum every time they are corrected, eventually you quit correcting them because you don't want to deal with the aftermath. I'd just like to tell you that these are her choices and not yours. It's her choice to get all worked up and throw a tantrum, you are not *doing* that to her. Each person is responsible for their own behavior, actions and reactions.

You and your family, especially your children, should not be treated this way. If this were anyone else in your life you wouldn't put up with it. Just because she's your Mom (and has found your guilt trip buttons) doesn't mean she has a get out of jail free card. Telling her to change or leave doesn't mean you don't love her, it means you won't be abused. There are certain behaviors you won't accept from your husband or children, but you still love them with all of your heart.

I don't know that when you are dealing with someone like this if you can draw boundaries, because they don't respect them. They intentionally push them and break them down to get a reaction. If you're not ready to face a life without the guilt, fear, jealousy, lies, etc. that your Mother brings then my best advice is to see through her completely. If you can reach that point you may be able to have some type of relationship with her, or at least get through the holidays without being hurt. See her for what she is and realize what motivates her. After you cry, you'll laugh. When she throws daggers your way at Christmastime don't get emotional over it, just see it for what it really is....it has nothing to do with you anyway, it has everything to do with her. She would be doing this to anyone she was with, it's not you.

I wish you and your family the best.

Answer 2

As first I was going to say just stand up to her and don't allow her to ride roughshod over you. Then I read that she is "dishonest" and that she ignores your sons when it comes to gifts. This hints at a more serious problem than just a controlling b****.

Your kids' ages matter here. Are they teenagers? School-aged? Little kids? The older they are, the more frank you can be with them about Grandma's attitude: "Yes, she's your grandmother and we love her, but we can't allow her behavior to disrupt our family and ruin our Christmas. Suppose you each tell me how you feel and what you think about her? For example, do you think she's unfair?" I suppose you could do this, in a modified way, even for little kids. It's important that you protect the kids from Grandma's emotional abuse, or to teach them to protect themselves.

I also suggest that ASAP, you sit down with your brothers and sisters and have a heartfelt talk about your mother's attitude. My own mom went crazy, and believe me, my siblings and I had our share of discussions! Be frank and honest, but also be compassionate.

At some point you must confront Mama. (See the movie Gypsy, either version.) If Mom's attacks are verbal, let them pass through you like phantom bullets, and don't take the hit. If they're physical, warn her that if she keeps being violent you'll throw her out, and then do it if she keeps it up. Even if her verbal attacks become too much for you, tell her she must stop now or you'll ask her to leave.

Don't be your Mama's doormat, and don't let her make a doormat out of your kids. God bless!

Oh--and pray for her and your family.

Answer 3

We love our mothers but first are our children. I would just tell my mother how much she's hurting the children by ignoring their existence, what about being a loving grandmother and all the nice memories a child should have?
Tell her if she's planning on coming for Christmas this time she needs to make a big effort in the way she's going to treat the kids (all of then) and the entire family. A huge effort or else you're going to be force to ask her to keep a good distance next time. It might hurt your mother but she doesn't seem to care when she hurts your children.

Answer 4

Since she's not staying with you, speak with your sister and go over a plan. That is, keep your visits short and very polite. Make sure the kids are on their company manners around Mom.

When Mom complains - as she would no matter what - just be "busy" when she demands you visit her. Gee Mom - we're doing blablabla this afternoon. We plan to visit tomorrow at 7:00. See you then. By-ee.

Then visit from 7-8 and leave promptly at 8

So that puts the control in your seat as to how much you want to expose your family - and yourself - to this person.

But make these plans with your sister - who should be well aware of how things sit between you and Mom. Chances are she doesn't like the stress either and would be delighted to take it in small doses.

Well-orchestrated, you can get through this.

Answer 5

The best advise is to just deal with each little issue as it occurs. Don't let it build up and escalate into a big deal. Make up your mind a head of time that you won't allow her to upset you or ruin your Christmas.
Remember if push comes to shove, ask her to leave. It's your home.

Answer 6

My quality recommendation might be to opt for your battles. Important stuff: ignoring your son (your husband need to have a speak together with her approximately the final result that is having on him... if he is continuously been handled like her grandson, after which out of the blue is unnoticed, that is simply no longer cool) and displaying up unannounced (inform her that she's welcome among this time to this time, on at the moment, however that you just have got to identify a few sort of pursuits with the intention to hold sanity inside your household) Unimportant stuff: shopping stuff for the little one, loving on her (even though you may also wish to set up that, for the period of flu season, you do not wish someone getting that practically your little one's mouth), the fb web page (readily do not exhibit it in your son.... adore it or no longer, this IS her first "truly" grandbaby), calling the little one "my little one" (i do know SO many grandmothers who do that....)

Answer 7

Hi...

you can do a Yahoo search on SETTING PERSONAL BOUNDARIES and also COPING WITH CONTROL FREAKS or DEALING WITH CONTROL FREAKS.

You will find a lot of good advice and enlightening information about your mother, also.

Take care and have a nice christmas.

Answer 8

Tell her she can stay in a hotel, and visit only when you want her too. "Ya know Mom, with four kids, its hectic, I'm sure you'll be more comfortable at this hotel. Here's the phone number." Tell her when you'll be able to visit her.