How should I handle comparisons from my daughter?

Question

My daughter just came back from visiting her Dad and grandmother over the Thanksgiving holiday.

She had a great time and really enjoyed herself. They bought her things, took her out and gave her the food that she likes to eat.

Now, she is back with me and keeps comparing what I do to how they did things.

She does not like the food that I make and keeps saying the her grandmother made better food than me. She also says that she never ate pasta there and I make pasta about once per week here. Its quick and easy and I add salad, vegetables to it to make a complete meal.

She also says that they gave her milk there. I always have milk in the house and she does not want to drink it when I ask her to.

I feel sad when I hear these comparisons, but don't know how to react other than saying you are free to go and live with them if you want. Then, she says that she can't.

Answer 1

Dude, that's NOTHING. Your daughter isn't doing drugs or having sex. Just say "that's nice" when she makes a comparison. If she says you are worse with something, tell her "If you say negative things about your mother, you are going to be punished for not respecting me" and if she does it again then punish her.

Answer 2

I can understand how you feel when your daughter makes comparisons. However, remember she is not doing it to make you feel bad. She is sharing with you what happened when she visited her grandmother's. But your insecurities are causing to feel jealous or sad. This in no way is a treat to you or your role in your daughters life. Just say "you are a lucky girl to have a nice grandmother and I'm happy to know you enjoy your time at her house." These are some of the pains of parents who live apart. You cannot be replaced in your daughter's life by food or anything else. Your position is solid. Give her lots of hugs and attention and let her know how special she is to you. Best to you.

Answer 3

FINALLY some details I can use

This is one in a series of questions that can be summed up "My daughter is a grouch ever since she stopped living with her father and came to live with me, what can I do about it?"

WHY can she NOT live with her father? Get her to answer that question and throw it back into her face just like she and her father have been throwing everything in your face.

If everything is so much better at her father's place then she should just go back there. She is clearly not happy or grateful where she is now so get rid of her before she drives you insane!

Tell us WHY she can't live with her father then we can start to give you a workable answer. Until then she is going to have to accept the situation as it is. We can't all have it perfect and we can't all have what we want; we have to buckle down and accept what we can get and deal with the consequences.

Your daughter is unhappy and she is forcing that unhappiness on you. She has gotten her father in on the act and they both are making your life miserable. It isn't fair and no matter what you do you can't win in her eyes. So you have to change her view to accept you. In short the problem is hers not yours.

She is saying that she got milk at her father's house but not at your house, despite the fact that you have milk in the house. This is a classic sign of transference; she is transferring the real problem onto some other issue and not even trying to address or solve the real problem. So you need to find out what her real problem is and address that. You have to get past all the B.S. and find out what her real issue is. Yes, she is unhappy, yes she misses her friends, yes she is not doing as well in school, but NONE of that is YOUR fault! She has to accept the situation as is and she has to address what is really getting her so angry and making her so unhappy.

Answer 4

Don't feel sad, its her way of manipulating you just like her father did. She certainly learned some great lessons didn't she. Next complaint or comparison say well sweetie since you think its so nice to complain and compare perhaps you would like auto start the cooking. Oh, by the way I really do not want to hear your complaints so as of this moment it ceases. She just got spoiled there- its their job, just as it is your job to be a good parent.

Answer 5

Stareyes, why are you listening to your daughter ***** at you over FOOD? Just shrug it off and say, "Yeah, I remember that his mom was a great cook!" Don't take it personally. She's doing it because she knows it bothers you. Smile and offer to let her cook dinner a few nights a week, if she has such strong preferences. She's 15, she's well able to handle it. If she doesn't know how to cook, it's past time for her to learn!

Answer 6

She's just saying all that because it's just different there. Things/food is usually better at someone else's house only because it's different from what they usually have. If she lived there she would get sick of that too. Point that out next time. I think it's pretty typical of children to do that.

Answer 7

Just say -- I am so glad you enjoy your time with your dad and grandmother and drop it at that. Nothing more, nothing less. Don't allow her to get to you with the comparisons. It wouldn't surprise me if she does the same there. She is trying to manipulate you into doing something for her. Don't buy into it.

Answer 8

why would you allow your daughter to make an adult decision like where she will live. Your house your rules......enough said.

Answer 9

plse feel guilty abt this . This is very comman with children . can u plse. confirm the age of ur daughter ..