My 12 yr old daughter asked me to give the child I'm carrying to the father so her father doesn't have to find

Question

out that I had a baby. Her dad is in jail (since 04') will be home in 08'. I want for her to have her dad 4ever. he & I have been together for 15yrs married for 4.5. The father of this child has said he will take it-should I sacrafice one for the other..I still want to be with my husband but I don't know if he would stay with me if I have a baby by another man.He & I have been through some hard times in 15 yrs have 2 beautiful kids girl(12) & boy (7).We've gotten past what many said we couldn't, but this is a hard one for sure.He doesn't know I'm preg yet I can't tell him. I'm already 7months. His mother hates me & my family is judgemental so no1 even knows but a few of my friends the father & my 12 yr old daughter..She is going through lots from my bad decisions---should I just give the baby to it's father so my kids can have their father & mother 2gether like their used to

I'm not selfish my kids r my life-it kills me that I have gotten myself into this situation so I am handling it to the best of my ability while trying NOT to hurt anyone more than they will already hurt. My husband committed a crime as a young man-he sold drugs to provide for his family-he has come to his senses & paid for that crime committed sure I feel like he desrves a 2nd chance we all make mistakes some mistakes r worse than others. My life is far from perfect & i love this baby I'm caring lots!!! Enough to ask the question of what I should to make things right all the way around.Life has happened to me-which apparently is not the case for many of you-I made a mistake but my heart wants to fix it. Noone can tell because I wear loose clothing my 7yr old probally does know but what would he say? He's made comments like i'm glad u only have us-but that's it. I know 12yr olds r selfish by nature but I also know they r not complete idiots & r entitled to have opinions

Answer 1

I think at this point you need to take a close look at what you want. Having a relationship with anyone requires honesty, trust and communication. It's not fair to this new child to be shuffled off to a father only to have the mother disappear or keep it a secret. If you are willing to accept and give your husband a second chance then he should be willing to do the same thing for you. Of course he'll be mad about what happened but if he loves you and it's meant to be then he will be willing in time to come around and forgive you. Even if you do make the choice for this child to be raised by its father you need to think about what impact it will have on them without you in their life. You have a responsibility to be a mother to them as well. If you want your children to grow up being responsible they need to learn to accept their own responsibilities and deal with the consequences of their decisions. What a better way for them to learn this than to see their mother doing the same thing. There is no guarantee that even if you did try to keep this all a secret it wouldn't backfire, thus making the situation worse. If you decide to own up then talk to your daughter about the importance of accepting consequences and apologize for making a bad choice.

Answer 2

your husband WILL find out, at the end of the day if you give this child to the the father he should expect child support money in the same way a man would have to pay. All 3 children are entitled to have contact with each other, and the baby will probably want to contact you or it's siblings when old enough,,,,,,, Also there is the risk your daughter will say something by mistake.....
You can't just hide the baby like a dirty little secret, and giving the child up just to save a marriage that already has problems is wrong, Tell your husband about the baby he may surprise you. You may still decide the new baby is best with his/her dad but maybe you'll still be able to maintain contact..
your kids are NO used to having their mother and father together anyway, remember he's doing a 4yr jail term..

Answer 3

What a mess. First of all except responsibility for your actions and be a good example to your twelve your old daughter. Come clean about the truth. Then, tell your husband. He has got to realize that with the problems that you two have had and the fact that he is not there is going to have some sort of impact on your life. However, there are plenty of women whose husbands are away for long periods of time and they are able to be loyal. (ie military wives). That was a sad excuse. If you want to be with someone else and you can't deal with the fact that he isn't there, then you should have gotten a divorce. Well, what is done is done, so you must come clean. It is up to him to decide how he will deal with it. The baby was not a mistake. You knew what you were doing. The baby is not just an object so your other children can have their 'mother and father.' The child you are carrying is a child! It did not ask to come into this world, but what you have done has brought it here. Take responsibility.

Answer 4

you think he isnt gonna find out eventually. You wanna just give the baby away and thats it, so you can salvage a marriage, what about this baby, its suppose to be raise with out a mother becuase its mother is selfish.. if thats the case then give the baby to the father so it can have the love and life it deserves. i dont know why your husband has been sitting in jail for 3 years, but you should have thought about all this before you had sex with another man. its nice that your own child wants you to give away their own sibling, sounds like you have done a bang up job there.

Edit:
there is more out their for options to provide for a family then resorting to dealing drugs or illegal activity. you say he did it for his family, but where did that get him, away from his family for 4 years so you can tend and support the children alone... Nice. Listen, you dont wanna hurt anyone, but someone is gonna get hurt and who do you think could handle the situation better, You jail bird husband, or a baby who grows up wondering why mommy gave him away.... tell your husband what is happening now, that way he has some time behind bars to do some major thinking. A marriage is based on honesty and trust, and if you cant do that for him, you are not a very trusting wife. He deserves to know as im sure if you were in his shoes you would want the same respect from him.... Do the right thing and tell him,, and tell all your kids for crying out loud. Your kids can still have a mother and father together along with a brother or sister.... step siblings are everywhere.

Answer 5

Your husband will be back soon. Then u will continue being happily married. And marriage is about honesty. Your husband must know if u want to live normally. I mean, it's a child. It's not a little thing that can and should be hidden. Although it is not his, the man has the right to know. He is your husband for God's sake!

I understand u love your daughter and care about her opinion. But she is only 12, u are an adult, and should look at this from a realistic side. U are her mother and of course my opinion is different from hers, because she is actually IN the situation. But of course, she can't really see it from the right point of view. U can't lie to your husband and ruin everything u have only because she thinks it would be easier. She wants u to do it that way because she thinks u have betrayed her father. Maybe she is aware of that thought, maybe not, but that is a feeling that follows that kind of event. And she gets this whole thing differently.

So the answer would be, tell your husband, and then decide what u are going to do.

Answer 6

what I'd like to know is at what point will your bad decision making stop? or is this to continue forever? because if so, it won't matter what daddy knows what, or what child says, or what child goes where, your children will be messed up either way and continue the cycle, and thats if there isn't permenant damage already...the fact that you are even asking this question makes me question your judgement as a good mother, I would never even be able nor have to come close to making a decision on giving my child away just because I'm afraid my husband who happens to be in Jail finds out...however, you may not have to make a decision, because if the baby's father is any kind of a man, he'll take that baby from you, or fight for it if he has to. you say your family is judgemental,...it sounds to me as if they have a right to be., my advice..... take some parenting classes, and some kind of life lessons, you've already said your 12 year old is really going through it because of your bad decision making, do you really think you family has no right to be judgemental about that? and so should you give the baby away so your kids can have their mother and father like they used to....that statement shows that you are already making a seperation between this new baby and the family you already have, like its a new dog or something., I mean, hey lets not worry about the new baby having a mother and father together right? my advice...yes, give the baby to its father, because after your description the baby stands a better chance on having a better life that way.

Answer 7

Personally I feel bad for the kids. Their dad is in jail, their mother is having an affair and thinking of giving away their sibling.

You say your kids are "used to" having their father and mother together?? No they aren't. It's been 4 years since they've had that. What they want is what they THINK it will be like to have their mother and father together. Even your 12 year old, while she remembers a little bit, doesn't really understand what it's like to have her parents together and your son has no clue.

You say you love your husband and want to give him another chance but you cheat on him and then you are trying to hide a baby from him? Not going to happen. The kids will say something, a neighbour will say something - he will find out. Then he'll be really mad and rightfully so.

Start telling the truth and be a good example to your kids for once.

Answer 8

You should have thought about your HUSBAND before you went out and had a baby with another man. And how are you 7 months along and your family hasn't noticed? Not even your son?

If you choose to give your child away, just because it doesn't fit into your 'perfect life' (which in my opinion is fair from perfect if your husband is in jail for 4 years) then you aren't a very good mother.

Being an 'adult' you should know that every decision has a consequence. What do you think you are going to be showing your kids by giving that baby away? The next time they get in trouble, are you just going to ship them away too?

Answer 9

Well, I don't know what your husband did to go to jail, but I really don't see you guys as having a lasting relationship in the first place. And what makes you think that giving up your baby will keep him from finding out that you were ever pregnant? This stuff always comes out. You need to go ahead and tell him and let the chips fall where they may. And there is no way that I would give up my baby just because my other child didn't want me to keep it. However, since you seem to make many bad choices, it might be in the best interest of the baby if you did give her or him away. One less child to suffer from your bad decisions, as you put it.

Answer 10

Is your daughter afraid of what your husband will do when he finds out you are pregnant? Maybe she fears he will harm you, or her, or your boy. I don't see how you can keep this a secret from him, even if you gave the child up, so you'd give the child away and still be in the same boat. Fess up, before he gets out, so he has time to think things over and decide what he wants. Having parent's "be together" is not always the best thing for kids, and if she is going thru alot due to your "bad decisions" you don't need to make another one.