Manipulating elder parent living in our home.?

Question

we moved my father 89yrs old in with us in July. We have tried very hard to make him feel comfortable and keep as busy as he can( he has arthritis in his knees and a very weak heart). He never seems to be satisfied with anything. His answers to our questions are always negative. If I go out to visit a friend for a few hours, when I get back he says well that was a long visit, I can't get along without you here. If I don't sit and watch tv with him he pouts and won't talk for awhile. He told my husband once when I was out shopping that it was getting dark and I needed to be home. My father has never been a person to have much compassion all his life. He has met his gr grandchildren for the first time since they were born and he hasn't come to our home in the last 30 yrs although we have made twice yearly trips to see about him in Vermont from our home in Tennessee. What is the solution? I would feel very guilty putting him in a home, because he still has a very sharp mind. any help

Answer 1

Think about this from his perspective. He's had to leave his home, in a place far different than where you live. He's left everything that was familiar and known behind him. His friends and whatever family was left, are miles away and all he has in this place is you and your family. He's also at the end of his life, and now dependent on his child. I imagine everything he ever knew about being a man and the man he was is weighing heavily on his heart.

I would do two things. One would be to talk to his doctor. Explain what has happened to him, and see if the doctor doesn't feel your father is depressed. Really think about it, anyone in his situation would be. Two, have an honest discussion with him about living with you. Does he have any other options? Would he be happier in an assistant living home in Vermont, which is home to him?

Frankly he sounds pretty normal for a 89 yr old guy. They are crankly, can't be pleased and try to dominate everyone. You can't make him be grateful you are taking care of him, you can't make him want to be an active grandparent. How he is with his grandkids might be what he learned from his parents or his grandparents.

I know you thought you were doing the right thing for him, but I'm sure some of his frustration is that anyone had to do anything for him, and now he's being cared for like a child. You and your husband need to reevaulate your situation and see if its really the best thing for your dad. It might be what needs to happen and in that case, try to find an elder daycare where he can spend the day with his peers. Many towns have pick up and drop off services, see if you can get in contact with the division of aging in your state and see what help is available.

Answer 2

This is Mrs. william c.

I am an eldercare giver and it sounds like your dad needs some reassurance or maybe an outside activity. He may still be feeling insecure about leaving his home or maybe about his health. Elderly people don't like change.

Tell him that if he's uncomfortable staying alone while you go out, then you can hire a sitter to stay with him while you are gone. If you make it on the same day every week, you may get a discount on the sitters fees.

Explain to him that you are an adult and that you have been living this way for a number of years and that you are trying to everything you can to make him comfortable and at home without disrupting your life too much. Tell you father that he did a good job raising you and that he needs to trust the judgement he instilled in you.

I don't live with my dad but I work for him (he's 84 and has a home for the elderly). He doesn't like me to go shopping after dark either. :)

If things don't improve, then you may suggest that maybe he'd be happier living in a place where he'd have someone to watch over him 24/7. If he decides that is what he wants, then by all means move him without guilt.

Answer 3

1. Rest homes are for those who are sick or who have money.

2. He's old - you don't make old people travel because it causes a lot of stress and can actually cause them to have a heart attack. It's supposed to be the children who visit their parents - not the other way around. So don't complain that he hasn't visited you.

3. Since he's living with you - you need to set rules/boundaries. It sounds like you think he is a delicate flower and have not given him any rules/boundaries. Talk with your husband and se t these rules/boundaries and give them to your father.

4. Don't complain that your father says "that was a long visit" and if he pouts. He's just being an old "fuddy duddy". So what if he says "it's dark and you need to be home". Just ignore his old fuddy duddy comments. He's being a typical old man.

What is funny is that you expect toddlers to behave a certain way because they are toddlers. With toddlers, you can expect a million questions, an occassional potty accident, etc... BUT, when it comes to your elderly father, all of a sudden you expect him to act like he's an elderly gentleman who is a stranger to your family. BUT HE'S YOUR FATHER - so of course he's going to say fatherly things - like "it's getting dark and you should be home", etc... How could you expect anything different???

3.

Answer 4

It's really true, sometimes you can't stand an elder parent with an attitude. You have no choice but to be patient with him. At his age, 89, is now demanding more attention and afraid to be alone. You should also understand that he has arthritis and weak heart so he's irritable at all times.

Tho he has a sharp mind but has a weak body. It's just natural for old age acting that way, He is still feeling authoritative but actually cannot do anything now.

Just show your love, care and respect while he's at your side
for him to feel he's important.

Answer 5

i agree with mary, it's your house...your rules...im sure your dad doesnt like the fact that he isnt 100% independent, so he tries to take control anyway he can (i.e. telling your hubby you should be in by dark, or making u feel guilty for visiting with friends longer than he liked). try and talk to him and tell him that the way he is treating everyone is making things a little uncomfortable and that you know that him being there is a huge adjustment not only for him but for everyone in the house, you want him to be happy but you shouldnt have to compromise your way of living to try and appease him all the time...if things dont start to improve then sit him down and talk to him about other options as far as living in a place where someone can be there for him whenever he needs it....if it comes down to that you shouldnt feel guilty, you opened your home to help him, sometimes things dont workout the way we hoped, it would give me peace of mind knowing that if i had to place a parent of mine in assisted living that they were getting the care they really need.

Answer 6

If his mind is sharp, then he knows what he's doing. don't be manipulated by guilt. It's your home and your rules. Would you do that to your children at 89? I doubt it...so why should you accept that. You don't have to be mean but explain to him that he is making you feel uncomfortable and you will speak to him when you both can respectfully communicate. you are and adult and his job of raising you has ended. You're never too old to learn how to respect and appreciate others...it's time to give Dad a lesson on how to do that

Answer 7

You are letting him treat you this way. Examine why. Examine why you even have him in your home. Maybe that will lead you to the answer. There are many other solutions to having him in your home.

Answer 8

Talk to him, he seems to be a little ungrateful. Tell him how you feel and try to find a solution with him about his attitude.
Don't let him control you guys, step up.
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