Inconsiderate?

Question

I think my partner is being very inconsiderate at the moment, but he doesn't seem to think so at all. What do you think so? We have an 11 week old baby, I'm breastfeeding so there's not too much he can do, but even so - I do all changes, baths and gettin up with her in the night when she just won't sleep. Fair enough in the week when he has to go to work, but even at the weekend he sleeps happily through it all and doesn't even offer to lend a hand. I've been really ill the last few days with a cold, being sick and an ear infection, and rather than staying home last night to help with baby so I could have a rest he went out with his friends. Then baby was up all night, he woke a couple of times to go to toilet, didn't even come down to offer to help even though he knew how ill I was feeling. I was hoping to get some rest today while he's at work, but he's forgotten something and so, as i don't drive, I now have to take a half hour walk then 1 and a half hour bus ride to take it

to him, when baby is teething already so will no doubt be crying all the way, the weather is freezing outside so all it's going to do is irritate her poor little teeth even more. Then when we do get there, he'll be in a bad mood as he's given up smoking AGAIN (every week he gives up so he's v v moody on weekdays with me, then starts smoking on weekends when he's with others so he's perfectly happy with them) and then we'll come home, I'll have to look after baby and cook dinner, then clean up whilst he sits on the internet and watches tv. He does nothing around the house, or with baby, unless other people are here to see it and it really winds me up. But he thinks he's completely considerate...am I just being moany?!

Answer 1

While he really is not pulling his weight over the child care he may not realise that - how many of us see something needs doing and just go ahead and do it, while our partner will see it and wait for us to do it?

I'm breastfeeding my 14 week old and do all the changing, bathing etc, I'm also using cloth nappies so I have to wash these too. My hubby has not yet changed our son's nappy but this is partially my fault because from the start I changed him myself immediately after a feed and it was quicker to did it as part of my routine. However I'm lucky and share house cleaning with hubby, taking turns to wash up and he normally loads the washing machine. The only thing he won't clean is the bathroom. He does look after our son when I'm busy without being asked but I sometimes I wish he would do so at other times too - a case of me not voicing my needs and him not realising this.

Generally women are more empathic than men and I think we forget this sometimes. However some men are still stuck in the view that they work all day five days a week and are intitled to relax when they are home - they fail to see that looking after children, especially an infant, is 24/7 work and often more physically and emotional'y tiring than a 9-5 job especially as we don't get time off.

There is an excellent TV programme (I think it's called 'Mums on strike') where the mum goes off to a spa for three days leaving dad with the kids. He gets a list of things he needs to do - e.g. prepare a proper family meal. All of the dads start off believing it's going to be a breeze - I've not yet seen one episode where they've been proved right.

Have you actually tried sitting your partner down and talking to him about it? Ask him to start off with one or two small things and slowing increase, maybe express a little milk and get him to do and evening feed and change a nappy or two. If that doesn't work maybe a challenge to his masculinity will provide a sharp burst of reality by asking him to look after the baby and the house himself for several hours, instead of the three days the programme does, one day at the weekend when you are feeling better and discuss how he felt/coped at the end. Reverse psychology is worth a go, say you don't think he can do it.

Express enough milk for a couple of feeds, take the TV remote with you and hide the controllers to the games system, then take yourself off for a few hours and RELAX.

Leave a list of what you would typically do in a day and ask him to do it while you are gone - including preparing a meal and cleaning up afterwards. If you don't trust him to use the washing machine then load it and set it going before you leave but let him empty it and hang the clothes.

Finally, yes I do think at the moment your partner is being inconsiderate especially while you are ill, however now is an ideal time to start changing things, sharing your daughter's care before the current situation becomes ingrained habits which will be much harder to break. I wish you luck.

Answer 2

don't go running after the inconsiderate a*se - he can come and get whatever it was or manage without it.

Instead, while he's at work, dump all his stuff in black bags in the garden and change the locks. I'm quite serious. you can do better on your own!

The baby has an excuse for being inconsiderate. He doesn't. Set your mum, or better still his mum, on him. If his mum thinks his behaviour is acceptable, tell her she can have him back.

If you do make the mistake of letting him back in, make sure that every time the baby cries, he's woken up. Hand him the nappies when she smells. MAKE him sort her out.

My ex, with all his many faults, was always very hands-on with ours, from the day they were born - even though he'd never changed a nappy in his life before. He did night feeds on days he had to work, the lot (bottles do make that easier!)

The other thing I'd do, as soon as you can get a baby sitter, is get some driving lessons. My spur was 2 kids under 2 on public transport, and the car in the drive all day because he was cycling to work! I was 35 and have never felt so empowered in my life when I passed.

Answer 3

Thats awful.. I can't say anything from experience (yet) but when our baby finaly gets here my partner says that if i put my breast milk into bottles he'll help and do night feeds if i'm too tired or run down.. He's going to be working 12 hours a day too.

Sort it, I've always said if i don't get the help and support from my partner i need when she arrives, i will one day tell him i'm going out for a few hours leave some bottles and let him get on with it for a few hours.. Just to see how he copes & maybe he might appreciate what we are doing a little more..!!

Men think that when we have babies its a free ride, they don't realise all the sleepless nights and everything else that comes with it...!!!

He needs to bond with his child as well, or she wont know who her farther is.. Good Luck.

Answer 4

He is inconsiderate, selfish and out of order. I wouldn´t even consider taking his thing to work, he doesn´t help you. We have a 10 week old daughter, and I too am breastfeeding. Despite working 12-13 hours a day, 5-6 days a week my husband does whatever he can to help me look after her and our 3 year old. On his day off he helps with the shopping and cleaning or anything else I need help with. In return I would do anything for him, there is always a decent meal when he gets home and the house is always looked after. That's the way it should be, you help each other. Why is he off out with his friends when he has a partner and beautiful baby at home to spend time with?

Answer 5

I am a guy and I think he is being inconsiderate. It IS fair that you, as you don't work and he does, should take the lions share of looking after your daughter, but when he is not working (weekends) he should be comforting, bathing her etc to bond with her; if you express milk he can feed her too. Also, when you are ill, he could help more, and he shouldn't be going out with mates leaving you to cope with the baby.

Maybe I am just a new age kind of guy while he is a dinosaur!

Answer 6

Yes he is being very inconsiderate. Just having a baby is very stressful anyways, so having to do everything is even worse. For him to go out with his friends when your sick is even more inconsiderate. And for the thing he forgot he would just have to do with out it. there's no way i would take walk for thirty minutes and ride a bus for hour and a half with a 11 week baby. he would be on his own with that one.

Answer 7

Were in the same boat kind of.

I don’t nurse so he has many chances to give are son a bottle but he don't.

He works 4 to 5hrs a day so he has many chances to change a diaper or to play he will for 10 mins a day, but that’s all.

He doesn’t hang out with friends so he has a lot of chances but he does neither.

He says he is a heavy sleeper, but that’s a lie he can wake up he just chooses not to.

I was sick one day with Bronchitis, while are son had a double ear infection but I had to get up and take care of him.

After I got home from the hospital I ended up with some problems not only did I have some swelling in my legs but I also had an Abscessed Tooth and was ill from that. And that I was extremely tired I had to get up every night and all night while he slept in bed to take care of are son.

Know after 9 months I made it a point to leave the house 5hrs a week for time to my self and in that time he has no other option but to take care of are son.

I also have made it a point to tell him that we are in this together and I can not do it alone so he does help at times but only if he wants to.


so just this week I told him he don't need to do anything if he don’t want to , I look at it this way are son has one parent who will do everything he needs and that my husband is only hurting himself and I also told him any decisions you make will effect your son.




make it a point to your husband that your in this together and you need help ask him for on his weekends he is off to let you seep in and to take over on baths. also ask him to give you a at least 2hrs a day so you can take a bath or a shower or even get some rest as taking care of a baby by yourself is hard. Also ask him to bring the baby into you so that you can nurse.

Answer 8

Totally unreasonable. Ok, so he can't breast feed for you but he CAN support you!!! Why can't he do the bathing or the feeding? I imagine even if he was to get up with you while you were breastfeeding, you would feel supported...even if it was just for 5 or 10 minutes a night???

Tell him you need support - VERY inconsiderate to go out with his mates too!!

If he won't listen, next time he is in (on the weekend cos of his work) get yourself ready to go out for a couple of hours to your mum's or a friends and just leave him with the baby - don't give him chance to persuade you otherwise - just do it. Shock tactics!!

Answer 9

Start as you mean to go on. You are in a partnership to raise this trainee adult (the baby) and it needs both of you. Relationships are about give and take. At the moment you need to take and he needs to give. Don't cook dinner, don't do the cleaning and as for the "benefits" on the side, forget about it!
Tell him, "when you don't offer to help it makes me feel sad as I feel that you don't care about us" and see what he says. Many men find the transition to fatherhood a bit of a trial. You need to communicate and negotiate. He's not a mind reader, spell it out to him in simple language. Ask him why he doesn't help? Don't shout at him, keep it reasonable and adult, use positive descriptive language like "when you do this for us it makes me feel...." Get a breast pump, express a couple of feeds and then go out on Saturday for some me time. This is good practice for when the baby becomes a screaming toddler and then a stroppy teenager lol! Perhaps it's natures way of preparing you for the trials ahead?

Answer 10

Join the rest of us. My is the same way. I work 2 jobs. The second job is only a few hours a week but still. I don't get any help from him. She is earthier with me or his mom and dads. Like right now he is home does not go to work until 2:00 but the baby is at his moms. I can't get him to change her, give her a bath or feed her. He only does it if she is there and i am not but that does not happen much. I cant even get him to wash the bottles for me. I have to do it all from the baby stuff to the cooking and cleaning. I even take out the trash because he seems to forget.


Good luck getting his help. They don't like to help when they are little but at about 2 years old when they can play and watch tv they help more.