When is hanging around another man too much?

Question

My wife attends school, I work full time. We pretty much only get to see each other on nights and some weekends. This is a hard way to live, but I think we have managed well. Recently, she has found a guy friend at school that she enjoyed spending time with. I didn't care or think much of it at first, but she has decided that she is going to be spending more time with him. She says she enjoys his company and they have a lot in common. The problem is now she spends more time with him than with me. I just returned off a week long trip, and I see her at night, but hear more about her and him during the day. I have tried to tell her that I don't mind the guy being around, I would just be more comfortable with her spending a little less time with him. This frustrates her and she goes on the immediate attack to defend her independence. I have no idea what to do, I am sure she isnt interesting in him romantically, but with the txt and phone calls and all the time at school, I have lost her!

I should add that he has a girlfriend and she is fine with what is going on. She knows my wife and apparently doesn't mind it at all. I will also say that my wife has been very forceful with the idea that she wouldn't be interested in him.

ALSO, she only spends time with him when she is at school. When I am at home, and she doesn't have to be at school, she spends that time with me. With the occasional txt to him, which she lets me read if I want...

I do feel that I am trying to be open minded about the whole issue. I dont think that it is a matter of trust, because I dont believe that she would cheat on me. I do feel that she is choosing more time with this guy over me. Especially since in a school of 30, 000, she is only with him, all the time!

I meant wouldnt cheat on me!!

damn it, nevermind, she wouldnt cheat on me!!

Answer 1

If your wifes not listening to reason then get yourself a friendly girl friend and return the favour. She'll soon get miffed and come back.

Answer 2

It’s quite obvious that she enjoys spending more time with this man than she does with you. This is the first flush of a relationship and I am sorry to say I don’t think there is much you can do about it apart from voice your concerns in a tactful way.
If they are spending a lot of time together and want to spend more then it is inevitable that, if they haven’t already, they will ultimately become romantically involved with each other.
Judging by her reaction I suspect she is falling in love with him but nothing has happened yet (if it did she’d go quiet all of a sudden).
It’s bad news for you, I am afraid, whatever you do you can’t win – the more you voice your concerns the more it forces her to validate her relationship with this other man. If you and her had a better relationship she would be sympathetic to your feelings but, from what you are saying, her friendship with this other man is more important than her relationship with you.
She shoudn’t be spending so much time with this other man – it’s as simple as that – all he is doing is filling a hole in your relationship that, for whatever rason is not currently being filled.
I’d be concerned, I am sorry to say. Maybe it would be worth asking her what you can do to redress the issue?

MAybe at the moment she doesn't believe she will cheat on you - but that is purely because she isn't aware how vulnerable she is.

"He has a gf and she is OK with it all"???? How do you know this, what reliable source has told you this? More to the point, how did the issue get raised in the first place to establish that she is ok with it all? It sounds suspicious to me.

Answer 3

Start showing her plenty of attention and appreciation. Plan some romantic escapades together. I mean do not just show her attention and love just before sex. That will only fuel the anger. You have to make sure that you notice the nice things that she wears, tell her how beautiful she is. Tell he how much you appreciate the things she does. Give her pecks on the cheek and neck spontaneously, not just before sex. Tell her how nice her body looks. Bring her flowers, a card or something special for no reason at all. Generally just make her feel that you notice everything about her, and still love her just as much or more than you did when you were dating.

Now that I think about it, just treat her better than you did when you were dating!!

Generally, if a woman is going to cheat, it is because she feels neglected and unappreciated by her significant other.

She may well be thinking about cheating, whether she has or not.

Answer 4

I have to ask... would you still feel like she was choosing her friend over you if he was female instead of male. I understand that you would be jealous about the time he gets to spend with her at school when you can't but if she chooses to be with you when you are free to be with her she isn't choosing him over you. Maybe see if there is a way to make more time during the week for each other, like meeting for lunch or carpooling every once in a while. She shouldn't be getting mad at you for feeling how you feel and she is a bit more defencive than she ought to be. I think you should keep telling her how you feel and why while reassuring her that you trust her and love her. Tell her that jealousy isn't necessarily rational but it still hurts to feel like you come second to someone else and that sometimes you need some reassurances as well.

Answer 5

hmmm your wife shouldnt be hanging around more with another man than you, i get the part where the both of you have to work and you guys manged well, i think you guys didnt managed well on the spending time together part, well i think its wrong of your wife to decide to spend more time with this male teacher, spending more time with someone other than your spouse can attract feelings, though you said you dont think that your wife have romantic feelings for this guy, and it sounds like you trust your wife, but things are getting outa hand, right now your wife is amused and enjoying this guy ways or whatever, and her frustrations defending herself in an attack voice of her independence might be a shield to hide her feelings that you are right, maybe you and you wife need some counseling. do take care.

Answer 6

Whether she likes to admit it or not I hate to say it but shes very interested in him than she realises.
I mean look youve got all the evidence in front you, she spends more time with him than you, she texts him while spending time with you, its like shes in a 3 way relationship.
I can definitely understand your frustration I mean if I were in that situation I would be feeling like that too I mean theres a difference between spending time with friends and then something time with someone your fond of.Im sure if you were in her shoes and she was in yours she wouldnt like it all, she'd be feeling just as insecure as you are right now.
Honestly I think shes very much interested in him I mean if she wasnt she wouldnt be spending time with him so much despite they work together it doesnt matter.
I think theres something going on there mate and Im sure the guy shes friends with isn't aware of it (maybe he is aware I dont know)but as for your wife I think its something that you should discuss with your her it'll put your mind at easy once you get it off your chest.
I know its gonna be hard because she is most probably gonna bite your head off but that just means your touching down on a very sensitive subject inwhich most or some cases it means something and she is feeling something.

Talk to her about it thats the only way your gonna know the answers to all your questions you have on your mind.

Good luck!

Answer 7

There is an emotional void in your relationship that she is trying to fill using another guy. This is quite dangerous for obvious reasons. It is of course is complicated by the fact that you're away most of the time. It's just how we are - we have a need to be around each other in order for the relationship to exist and develop. You *can* fill that emotional void, but you will have to put some real effort into it, understand what's missing besides you being around. And you will have to be honest with her and say how it makes you feel and you're not OK with it. Otherwise it can easily turn into manipulating tool: if she wants more attention from you she will give her to another guy.

Answer 8

You have faith in your wife. So, try to get to know your wife's pal. Why not have him and his girlfriend over for dinner? Who knows, perhaps the 4 of you may end up being great friends. IF your wife isn't doing anything wrong, then her friend is likely to be a pretty good guy, and you may well like him too. It's probably your best course of action. Just because this type of thing often means problems, it doesn't necessarily mean it ALWAYS means trouble.

Answer 9

Thats not a good thing. you should think twice about there relationship. you know what might happen when a guy and a girl spends so much time to each other. you should investigate more try to have more time with your wife since its almost your fault she might fall for another guy. giving more time would be most appropriate answer for your problem. another thing be jealous of the guy its natural since your married and stuff you have all the right to get mad but consider all your faults. good people like you often played at.

Answer 10

She says he's just a "guy friend", and quite possibly nothing could happen. However, as your wife, she should not try and place herself in a situation that could lead to something more. This is how people come to use the defense saying, "Oh, I like him/her now, it just happened. I couldn't help it."
A person, spouse especially, should not place him or herself in situations that could lead to straying. To some degree as well, spouses should respect their significant other's concerns within reason.

Furthermore, I assume since you're working and she's in school, you're helping pay for her education. She should respect that you're working to help her as well as provide stability. You can't spend as much time with her because you're doing what's necessary.

HOWEVER, you do need to make more time as well. And if you do ultimately feel that your relationship is in jeapordy, or you feel that you yourself are losing a connection with your wife, it's possible that you need to reconsider your current job or job location if you think it's worth it.

Answer 11

I dunno, have you ever met the guy? Why don't you guys go on a double date w/ the girlfriend?

I know that I have a couple guy friends who I adore but would never have interest in romantically. I even went on a 2 day trip w/ one of these guys and we had a blast. I don't remember what my man was up to, but since he knew the guys, he knew there was nothing to worry about.

If you meet him, you'll have a better idea of what their relationship is like. If they act awkward around you, then I could see space being a good thing. But if she's eager for you to get to know him and it's fun, then no reason you should be jealous.