The First chapter of my book...your thoughts?

Question

read as little or as much as you want we have more but i havent put it on the computer yet
Map

http://i189.photobucket.com/albums/z53/lacelovesyou/map.jpg

Leopluradonia

Chapter 1:Adely

Dear Belinda George,

I hope you recive this letter soon. I dont know how long I will be allowed to stay in Firsacey Castle. My father discovered that I have been talking to Calvin Jade. He highly disapproves of how i feel. I will try my hardest to stay here till i hear from you. When I reply I will tell you when Calvin and I are ging to leave Firsacey. We decided to got to the Land of Faries. We are going there for two reasons.

1. Its very far away from Firsacey

2. My brother is so evil the faries would surly attack him if he were to enter the boundries.

Number two allone makes me so happy I could sing for joy. My brother is just like my father. Wicked by heart.

Your Friend

Princess Adely Rachelle Manning.



I read my letter twice before calling George, the message

carrier to take my letter to Belinda. I hired George for mostly one reason-he is a vampire. I mean i couldn't send just anyone into Louizas. No human who isnt a member of a royal family would ever make it through a kingdom ful of vampires!

I had met Belinda only once before. When her and the rest of Louiazas royalty came to settle the wars going on. We were young then she 6 and me 5. We have been writing eachother for 10 years.

"Princess? Is your letter ready?" I jumped when George spoke.

"George!" I practicaly screamed, "Do you have to sneak up on me everytime?"

"You know how much I love to make your heart race! Its mouthwatering."

"Now George behave!" I said, "Your making me blush! Oh how that pleases you!" George is 17 and beautiful! He has a jaw he could sharpen a knife on. Oh and how built he is! Not to muscular but he stands out in a crowd. I once confessed to him that I day dream about him. He has the softest blue eyes, baby blue eyes you could swim in and how

I had met Belinda only once before. When her and the rest of Louiazas royalty came to settle the wars going on. We were young then she 6 and me 5. We have been writing eachother for 10 years.

"Princess? Is your letter ready?" I jumped when George spoke.

"George!" I practicaly screamed, "Do you have to sneak up on me everytime?"

"You know how much I love to make your heart race! Its mouthwatering."

"Now George behave!" I said, "Your making me blush! Oh how that pleases you!" George is 17 and beautiful! He has a jaw he could sharpen a knife on. Oh and how built he is! Not to muscular but he stands out in a crowd. I once confessed to him that I day dream about him. He has the softest blue eyes, baby blue eyes you could swim in and how often I do. I called them his swimming pool eyes. Someday I will drown in them.

"Yes it pleases me!" I barely heard him say, "Adely." Then I felt his bloodless lips touch my cheek. "I knew that would work swimming again?" he laughed. Had I said all that outloud?

"You know me all to well George!" I replyed.

"So the letter?"

"Wait! Slow down. Don't leave just yet!" I loved George's company.

"Only a while longer." he answered.

"Would you mind?" I said holding out my hand. "Your memory is my favorite."

"Ok but dont think i dont know the only reason you like to see my past is so you can relive the time i saved you from drowning."

"Oh well you know i was faking it right." He was dead on...how great he looked with his shirt off. He is so cocky. I can tell by the look on his face he thinks the smile on my face is for him. He is right.

The only reason my dad keeps me around is because of my "power". Gods gift to him he calls it. I can see someones whole past my touching thier hand. I went through Georges past searching for the pool. When i got there

replyed.

"So the letter?"

"Wait! Slow down. Don't leave just yet!" I loved George's company.

"Only a while longer." he answered.

"Would you mind?" I said holding out my hand. "Your memory is my favorite."

"Ok but dont think i dont know the only reason you like to see my past is so you can relive the time i saved you from drowning."

"Oh well you know i was faking it right." He was dead on...how great he looked with his shirt off. He is so cocky. I can tell by the look on his face he thinks the smile on my face is for him. He is right.

The only reason my dad keeps me around is because of my "power". Gods gift to him he calls it. I can see someones whole past my touching thier hand. I went through Georges past searching for the pool. When i got there i lingered in the memory a while. Calvin is wornderful no lie, but if George hadn't told me no it wouldnt be Calvin i am running away with. I wonder if George would like to go with us. He is my best friend. I awoke from

Georges past in his arms.

"You fainted again." he replied.

"What can i say, drowning takes alot out of a girl."

"I need to go. That is if you ever want Belinda to get her letter."

"Must you go?"

"Sooner i go, sooner i get back."

"Leave, go! Why are you still here?!" I said through a smile.

"Ok. Bye for now." he smiled as he walked out of the room.

"Wait!" I said. I knew he heard me eben though i only said it above a whisper when i heard him sigh outside my bedroom door.

"Hum?" he replied when his head of light brown hair shined in the sun coming from my window. I stuck out my hand.
"A kiss?"

"Ok." he grabed my hand and pulled me in, not something i had been expecting, and gave mea peck on the corner of my lips. His smile grew big as he listened to my heart beat.

"Goodbye." he called as i sat down to catch my breath.

"Adely?" I heard someone call me from my bedroom door.

"Calvin!" I screamed more out of fear then excitement.

"I dont have long b

before someone notices i am gone. I found a way to get to the Land of the Faries quickly and eaisily."

"Ok."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Its been two days since i sent him! He should be back by now." I complained. I looked over and saw myself pacing infront of my mirror.

"Well i think he has returned."

"George!" my letter was in the grasp of his left hand.. I reached out and pulled it from his fingertips. He made a pouting face that mad me feel guilty. So i jumped into his arms (I knew he would catch me) and I wraped my arms around his neck, opening my letter behind his back. I knew he could hear the sound of me unfolding the paper. I also knew she was one of my best friends (after him of course.)

Dear Rachelle Manning

I am sorry to hear that you have to leave your castle. Your father sounds like a cruel and evil man. If he trys anything I will sent my servent Stefanice to take care of him. Alot has been going on in my kingdom. My brother, Thor,

has threatened to claim war on my father because i am being forced to marry an evil man, SirKnight, from Jedia. My brother, who is ruling Judaus now, said he would claimwar on us and Jedia! Because Jedia is a human kingdom the only thing my brother will have to do to defet them is make more vampires for an army. I am frightened for my people we may be vampires but we would never make new vampires but we would never make new vampires anyway but by birth! My father wants me to go stay with the giantsso they can protect me. I refused and now I am locked in my room thill the giants come and get me. I dont want to leave i want to stay and fight but by lay women are not allowed to fight in wars.

Vamprincess Belinda George.

Her last name snapped me back to reality. My heart jumped when I asked George how long I had been sitting like this in his arms.

"Oh about three minutes." he smirked. "Your heart skips a beat everytime you start a new sentence."

"Oh!" i let slip through my lips

"Put me down, I have to write her back."

"Are you sure you could sit on my lap while you write."

"Um what will I use as a hard surface?"

"We can sit at the desk." he always had an answer for everything.

"I dont think i could concentrate on what i am writing." A smile touched his eyes. i looked down. I couldnt look at him. I had to remind myself of Calvin. I love him but George was my first love.

"Its fine i will lay on your bed."

"oh..." I went to the desk, sat down, got out a peice of paper and pen but when i heard George singing i gave up. Like he knew i would. I got up and turne around and gave him a pouty face. He motioned for me to come to the bed and lay with him. I layed down and rested leaned in and used him to prop me up.

"What are you humming?" I asked "its pretty."

"Just a song i wrote." for the first time he looked embaressed.

"Can I hear it?"

"No...at least not now."

"ok." i began to write.

Dear Belinda,

I am sorry to hear that you ar

Answer 1

Here are the parts that jumped out at me that could be improved:

"My father discovered that I have been talking to Calvin Jade. He highly disapproves of how i feel."
The second sentence is implied - if the person has been hiding the discussions and has been "discovered", you don't need the extra sentence saying that he disapproves.

Next, try doing this:
"We decided to got to the Land of Faeries, as it's so far from Firsacey, and my brother's evil is surely far to great for the Faeries to allow it within their borders."

Why are the people using last names when writing letters to each other? It seems very impersonal, and makes it difficult to retain all this new information that we're being given. Is George the mail-carrier, or the last name of Belinda? It's confusing.

After that, I quickly become disinterested in the main character. She is far too obsessed with the vampire character, and doesn't offer anything interesting. It became kind of boring to hear her swoon over the different people.

It feels like you need to solidify what the characters want most in the world, and then apply it to the writing. Why does George flirt? Is he always just seconds away from attacking? Is all of this scene happening in secret from her father?

It just needs a foundation, instead of being flirty and funny dialogue between the characters.

Best of luck! Hope that helped! The best part is that you've written it down into a first draft, and now you can go over it again and make it even better.