This is really, really tough. .. .?

Question

I need to make some decisions real quick here.
Background info: married 15 yrs, 2 kids (preteen). Relationship been going downhill for years now. Husband too busy with work, no time for family. Should note that his after-hrs "dinners" go well into midnite +. He says its part of his job. When hes home, he sleeps, watches tv. Oblivious to prob. w marriage tho ive told him. Now he's been asked to move to another province. Wants family to go with him. I've thought for some time now that I dont want a loveless, marriage - we live parallel lives, sleep in separate beds etc. But have stayed for kids (I know not good - as im realizing now - kids have suffered because of it). He favours one boy over the other and it annoys me to no end: one of the reasons he's having behaviour problems at school. I only work pt and make a 1/6 of what he makes and it seems that we as a family are used to a certain income. For sure cant make it with 2 boys on my income. What 2 do? Stay or go?

Answer 1

Go. Men are pigs. This man of yours is not having 'dinner' until after midnight. Now that he's being asked to move, he wants you to come along. Why? Not because he loves you and you're the most important thing in his life. It's because he'll be losing all his 'companions', and he doesn't want to be alone. I'll give him the benefit of the doubt that he may feel strongly towards one or both children, but you're not in the mix, trust me.

No marriage ever suddenly blossomed once the kids left. If you're staying together for the sake of the kids, but they're suffering - what other excuse do you have? After the kids are grown and gone, then, what? You'll get a divorce then, and start over when you're in your late 50's?

Ask yourself, who is in your inner circle? And I mean, the innermost of your inner circles. Probably just you and your children. Next circle out? Is your husband even in that circle? If your husband were to suddenly die/leave/be removed permanently from your life, would you feel devastated or relieved, finally able to 'start over'?

What are YOUR goals in life? Is your husband helping you work towards those goals or preventing you from achieving them?

Go. While you still love yourself and your kids, and can make genuine happiness for the three of you.

Answer 2

Well, if you divorce, it's not like you'll financially be in dire straits. Afterall, men usually are ordered to pay child support (per child) and alimony. So you'll have SOME of that to depend on.

Staying in a loveless marriage is worse for a child than the child living with a single parent who can't always give him the world because of money. That's just my opinion. Your boys are learning what it is to be a MAN and how to love the woman you profess to love. All they are learning at this point is how dysfunctional r'ships work and that is their NORM. So, when they grow up, they'll most likely repeat the same pattern because that's all the know.....unless you break the cycle. I would plan to leave but I would be SMART about it. Don't just pack your stuff one day and go. You need to have a plan. Talk to a good divorce lawyer and get advice as to what will give you the best outcome. If I were you, I would certainly suspect an affair and if you can find proof, that will put you in a better position of negotiating terms when you do actually divorce.

Answer 3

Appears that there is a total breakdown in communication between both of you. In my opinion, both of you have to take responsibility for the current state of affairs. If I were to ask your husband for his side of the story, he sure would claim neglect from your side. The reasons that you have stated in the message above, shows that both of you have deliberately allowed the situation to reach this stage. It's easy for you to take a decision to walk away from your husband. You need not take anybody's permission or guidance. You ask yourself, whether you have done all that was in your control to save the marriage from being a loveless existence.
I'd go on to suggest that you involve some of your close friends, counselor, priest, whoever, both of you can trust to bridge the distance that has come between you both. Am quite positive that if both of you work hard at it, you can find the very spark that brought both of you together in the first place.
For the last time, look within yourself and get a better understanding of how much you have delivered in your role as housewife, wife and mother. The decision is ultimately in your hand, regardless of all that is written in answer to your question.
I strongly believe in the Power of Love. However much you despise what I am about to suggest, try it. Think deep on how your husband 'would want to be loved' and not on how you intend to love him. There is a very big difference in both. Touch can do magic. A simple caress on his forhead as he sleeps, touching him with your fingertips as you speak, gentle brush against him as you cross each other, will dissipate much of the pressure he has built inside him. Don't give up!
You are at the crossroads where you can change the course of your life by any of the options before you - quitting or staying. None of us will be with you to experience either the joy or the sorrow that you will be faced with. Lady - you have to take the call. All the best. God Bless.

Answer 4

Ok, I'll be honest. I don't really know what to tell you to do with the WHOLE situation. However, I can tell you that I'm recently divorced myself so I know the frustrations you must be going through. Just remember this, life is too short to be unhappy. No matter what happens, your house, car, and belongings are JUST materialistic things. A house does not make a home. Love and family does. If you have family and friends to rely on for the moment...do so. I would recommend marriage counseling before making any sudden moves. Good luck and i'll keep you in my prayers.

Answer 5

I think you know the answer to your question. You don't have marriage anymore as it is. You have 2 choices either marriage counseling or a divorce. You might have to live with less but you will be happier in the long run. See what it would take for you to live on your income, and child support. Often woman think they want to keep the house but in the end have to sell it as the mortgage is too high. Do some research and see what kind of house you can afford on the income you will have to live on. It will take some doing but see it as a new beginning.

Answer 6

This is tough. Is there any other job you could get or could you go on full time at your present job? It sounds like you really need to get out - I was in a marriage like this for 19 years before I finally left (no kids). It's a very hard thing to do and you have to be sure. You could try to get something where you make more money and then you'd feel more secure about leaving. It doesn't sound like he's abusive to you or the kids so no immediate action is necessary. Plan it out and do it!

Answer 7

This is a difficult question that a large percentage of married adults with kids face . 15 yrs is alot to consider throwing away. Sleeping in separate beds does sound like he has lost interest in you or in sex itself. This is not uncommon in people with high pressure employment. If you love your kids and I,m sure you do ,I believe you would sacrifice your personal wants and needs for the time being and try and do whats right for the children. On the other hand...while keeping your children safe and happy is admirable, you still might feel like there are things missing in your life and if you are frustrated with the lack of emotion in your marriage, you might have to consider going outside it to fullfill your wants and needs as a woman. Best of luck to you...

Answer 8

I know how you feel, kinda. I got pregnant at 17 :( and was with this one guy for nearly 5years and he was always out and he really had no time or didnt want time as a family. It was on the break for 3years and i felt that because i had a child to him i was to stay with him but the affect of our relationship was effecting our son. After the number of time that he had hurt me i finally got the guts to tell him its over.
I am way more happyer and things could not be better to be honnest. Ring work and income about the DPB it does help alot and there is always IRD that help out as well.
I would leave.

Good Luck

Answer 9

There will always be some place to go for aid. However, you also must take into consideration that if he makes more money than you, that is more leverage in court if there's a custody battle.

MAKE him listen to you. SEE if he wants to continue the relationship as is or if he wants to work on it. If he says he doesn't see the problem or he's unwilling to work with you, do what your heart tells you. As you said before, this is affecting the children. If that's the only way you can get him to see the truth, use it.

Answer 10

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