About 5 months into our relationship my boyfriend proposed to me and said he was prepared to marry me within the next month. I was all for it, but conflict arose when discussing where we would live. I already have a daughter and she was to start school soon and he wanted to move to another city. I didn't feel comfortable changing schools without having time to look into what would be the best fit for her. Anyhow, I felt that he was starting to back out of it since I didn't want to move and he was unwilling to move closer to us until we decided what was best for everyone. So it was called off. Now four months later, I am in need of constant reassurance that he still loves me and he can't understand why. He says I'm causing him problems when I question his feelings for me. It's hard for me to trust that the relationship will progress and he says he doesn't have the energy to keep discussing this issue over his feelings for me. Am I wrong for feeling this way?
2007-11-29 05:44:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
He jumped the gun and now you are worried that he will not get back there. That does not seem surprising, but you cannot keep badgering him about it or he will get tired of the relationship.
You were right to slow things down and he did not leave. That is a good sign. Now the two of you have to work together to learn all you can about each other. He needs to understand the responsibilities of parenting and to know you. You need to know him and then you will not worry so much about him leaving you or not proposing again.
When I proposed to my wife there was no question as to her answer. I knew she wanted to marry me and I knew I wanted to marry her. We dated for a year before I proposed and we have been married for five years.
Get to know each other and make sure you are best friends. Then there will be nothing to worry about.
Take care,
Troy
2007-11-29 05:56:57 · answer #1 · answered by tiuliucci 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
5 months is not enough time to get to know someone enough to make a serious long-term committment like marriage. That fact that the two of you couldn't agree on where to even live is proof of that. Of course he had to back out of it once he realized that he wasn't ready. Your constant need of reassurance (known as "nagging" in a guys brain), has turned him off. Each time you have nagged, you have casted more doubt in his mind----now to the point where he's burned out---he doesn't have energy for you. It doesn't really matter at this point whether or not you were right or wrong to feel the way you do because you've become a major turn off.
2007-11-29 14:35:27 · answer #2 · answered by Sondra 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
It seems from what you are saying that y'all were having a long distance relationship to begin with. So when he propose to you that meant that one of y'all would have to move and you need to have that discussion with him, that you love him and you know that he loves you but what you question is on what level, that you would love to move to make one family, but there is another factor and that is you daughter and his step daughter future, so ask him to help to find the best school district and a safe neighborhood to live in so she may play safely outdoors and get the best education for her, involve him don't make it all about you and your needs, you need to realize that it can't be all your way if you are to become a husband and wife it will take both of you to make a decision not just one ,and explain to him you did what you did, and out of experience been married for 12 years and with the same man for 15 years, you cannot bring the same subject up over and over again, men are very simple and cut and dry about situations and with you bringing the subject up over and over again he is becoming anoid with it, maybe he took the ring back because he show a commitment level and you did not, you need to sit down with him and discuss this problem and then once you have leave it alone. don't mean to sound harsh, but I do hope this helps.........
2007-11-29 14:05:49 · answer #3 · answered by kelly 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, just insecure about it. I understand your need to make sure that your daughter would be ok in a new school, but maybe he took this as a sign that your daughters needs would always come before what was actually best for all of you. Kids move to new schools all the time and adjust fine. He may feel slighted by you. When you get married you have to take his feelings into consideration with as much importance as those of your daughter.
2007-11-29 13:53:17 · answer #4 · answered by mayihelpyou 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Nope, when that happened to me we parted and married other people. You have a child and he needs to understand that you are a package deal. He is not only getting a wife but you are also a mother. If he could not understand you having a concern for your daughter then you need to think is he for you.
A wedding is wonderful but over in a day a marriage lasts a lot longer and you need to iron out what you both expect out of marriage, from each other and what your goals are before the wedding.
Good Luck
2007-11-29 15:18:40 · answer #5 · answered by Kat G 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
answer is - back off! he's not ready for a real commitmment. and i can see that he will treat you like a robot. if a man loves you, he will listen to what you have to say and he will discuss it with you and you both will come up with a solution that's best for the family. and he will not get tired of telling you how much he loves you and will not say things like 'i do not have the energy to keep discussing the issue...' blah! blah! maybe you and your daughter can stick to each other for a while. don't think of that man anymore. he does not LOVE you.
2007-11-29 13:55:02 · answer #6 · answered by neLLy 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No you're not wrong, but you should consider how this is affecting your daughter. Children are very keen to cracks in the foundations of their parents relationships...whether you are married or not. This insecurity is very hard to overcome, you don't want her to grow up thinking that a relationship without a foundation is ok!
2007-11-29 13:56:46 · answer #7 · answered by marianne n 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
marriage is a team game
You were unwilling to compromise and he thought - "well if this is the way we are starting out I am not sure I want a lifetime of this"
My guess he does not want to discuss it as he is mulling over if you are worth staying with.
Personally I would have dumped you to find someone who would be supportive
2007-11-29 13:58:49 · answer #8 · answered by roadrunner426440 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You are not, your boyfriend is the one not ready for the commitment required for a marriage. He may be head over heels in love with you. But he is not mature nor responsible enough to be a husband and a father.
2007-11-29 13:54:46 · answer #9 · answered by Jessica C 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If he loves you despite the current situation then why are you pushing him away with your insecurities? You will not be happy until he has left. Let things flow naturally don't keep forcing the issue or you will be left alone.
2007-11-29 13:53:14 · answer #10 · answered by uneekqamar2004 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋