Friendship with a narcissist?

Question

I have a friend who I thought I was getting close to, but...I think that he is a narcissist. I'm tempted to end the friendship because I wonder if it can never be "real", but little bits of his behavior gives me pause.

I have lightly jabbed at his ego and even though it clearly upsets him, he only pauses for a moment to pout then continues conversation as normal. He has told me outright that he lies often, and he has also admitted aloud to me that he only raises his hand in class when he thinks he's the only person who knows the answer. He appears to be self-aware and candid about things that might make him vulnerable, but he is still very egotistical.

I don't want to commit to getting to know him as a person and just find out that I've been used to feed his ego. But I'm reluctant to abandon him too because his personality is not his fault. Does anyone have any advice or wisdom about friendship with narcissists?

Answer 1

Honestly, it doesn't sound like he is a narcissist. Narcissists do not forgive easily when their short comings are pointed out to them, nor are they willing to admit their shortcomings.

Sounds like this person is simply being very honest with you in admitting his conceits, something that most people are not willing to do. If he admits to you that he lies often, then it shows that he does not want to be deceptive with you, and he is really opening up his vulnerabilities to you. This also is not a sign of a narcissist. Narcissists seek to protect their egos, and usually are very reluctant to be so honest, even with people with whom they are very close, seeking rather to maintain a position of control by revealing very few of their secrets.

Does he recognize the accomplishments of others? Does he have people that he admires, yet does not need to see them on a god like status? Does he recognize his competitors abilities? Does he show honest respect for others? If so, then I would say he is not so much of an egotist, just trying to develop his own understanding of who he is.

Oh yeah, does he help to boost your ego? Does he try to make you feel better when you are down, give you hope when you feel hopeless, or does he seek to gain control over you when you are vulnerable? If he tries to make you feel better by boosting your ego when you are down, then it sounds like you have a very good friend with whom you could develop a close relationship. If he seeks to take advantage of you when you are down, further putting you down and trying to gain control of you by claiming you need his guidance, then you are definitely dealing with a narcissist.

Answer 2

Good question-

in my opinion it's all about balance.

Is it really fair to label this guy a narcissist? Do you put up your hand not knowing the right answer?
Are you self aware but egotistical? Do you get a buzz out of the fact that maybe he gives you the same amount of intense attention he sometimes pays himself?

It's all about balance. We all have different problems, and he may be a narcissist at certain times and totally different at others. Oh he's probably bi-polar then. People especially now in this age of multiple instant variables have highly specialised personalities- it is harder to relate to individuals. These differences had been highlighted in previous generations by notions of freedom but there was a strange unity to that expansion.

We are now in the age of differentiation- whether rightly or wrongly- and maybe your friend just has a bit of an ego, or maybe some confidence in certain lessons when he knows the right answer. It doesn't have to be narcissism that he is 'suffering' from and I think it would be sad if your friendship ended over this matter.

Answer 3

If I were you I think it would be a good idea to be a good friend to him. Help him out when he is in need. Give him advice when or if he asks. But at the same time don't give him too much of yourself that he can lie too or manipulate or use in his favor. My strategy is centered around being kind hearted toward him. But also if he does something you don't like let him know that you care for him as a friend but use tough love. This will hopefully make him feel guilty when he does upset you after he's gained a fair amount of respect for you since by this point you've been such a good friend to him. You figure the closer attatched he is to you emotionally (at a friend level) the less he will feel he needs or wants to lie to you. Perhaps he'll feel close enough to you as a friend that lying to you would make him feel a sense of shame or guilt. Especially if you were to find out he was lying to you at some in the future and you were to give him some tough love. Basically a stern talking to that you don't appreciate his behaviour toward you, that it disappoints you and that you care for his well being regardless. Though after a period of time he insists on being a jerk no matter what you do. Drop the friendship. His personality may not be his fault in a sense. But at the same time it would be your fault to associate yourself with a personality that obviously doesn't benefit or mesh with your own.

Overall: Get him to understand the value you add to his life through being a good friend. Naturally as he starts to do things that you don't like he'll begin to notice that those things he does to you pushes you away. And if you are a good thing going for him pushing you away wouldn't be a smart move on his part. He'll understand this and hopefully drop the act and open up to you.

Answer 4

I think that we are all narcissistic to some degree, and that it exists in our basic human programming. But as with other things in life, it can be carried to an extreme by some people. This can't be healthy. Although most of us would think that being a narcissist is all about thinking "me, me, me," I think it's more about them using other people as tools to prop up their own self-image. I was once friends with a narcissist who insisted on only having the most attractive of people as his friend, even though it was obvious that he was below-average in his own physical attractiveness himself. I only offer this because I feel that maybe you are being used as a similar "tool" yourself. If you have to stop and ask yourself continuously if you are being treated as a friend should be treated, then are you really being treated as a friend? Stop and think about it. You have to decided for yourself how much work and effort you are willing to commit to in order to be considered someone's friend. And that, my friend, is a purely personal decision that has no exact right or wrong answer...

Answer 5

a friendship is nothing to just throw away because of questions that may not be true. got to work at it alittle. if he becomes violent, then that is another story. but there is nothing wrong with seeing how far your friendship willl go, as long as you are comfortable with it. good luck.

Answer 6

common misconception about narcissism: people think it means someone thinks they are better than other people. Not true.. narcissists are typically the people who think they have to do everything and get no praise for it.

The person you are talking about probably just has low self-esteem.. but not so low as to have no fight left (in other words.. when you poke at him.. it hurts his feelings but he has enough self worth to fire back with anger.