my son wants to stay with me?

Question

me and my ex had a son together when i was 16 i am now 23 and my son is 7 me and my ex are now married to other people and my son goes to his dads every friday and comes home on monday.but he hates it he wants to stay with me he crys on thu night and says he does not want to go his dad is a good dad maby a little tougher as where i am more sensitive to my sons needs.i am worried that he will some day resent me because he has to go.i hate it i wish he could stay with me and only me. but he cant.do situations like this cause children to have any kind of problems?what should i do???

my son is very smart loveing and funny you would never know he didnt like going there he tells only me.when i ask him why he says because i love you so much.

Answer 1

awww, what a sweet boy!!! My son also went through this after I divorced and I HATED it, just like you do. There's really nothing you can do about it though.....I think a lot of it is that his dad is a little bit tougher and might make him mind more than you do (I don't mean you're not tough--I mean, I let my son get away with murder).....He's probably fine once he's at his dad's house. Talk to your ex and see how he acts while he's over there. I don't think he's going to resent you for it at all. He just doesn't understand right now that you can't keep him from his dad. He'll be fine.

Answer 2

Does he go over by a custody/visitation agreement and does he pay child support? If so, then there isn't anything you can do unless you want to change it to every other weekend. If there isn't any custody agreement, then you can say no to his dad but then he might go to court himself and get visitation rights himself.
BUT, he needs his dad. Every child needs his/her father, especially boys. I'm sure your husband is a great guy, etc., etc, he he's his DAD!!! He may not want to go for a very small reason. I sincerely doubt he'll be emotionally scarred because he has to see his father. More than likely, there are half siblings there and that's the reason. Children who's parents marry again and have more children feel abandoned and there's almost always conflict within the family because of this. Also, his stepmother may be the problem, not treating him as well as his half siblings. Not much you can do about whatever situation is over there, that's what happens when parents don't stay together then make new families!!
You should listen to Dr. Laura !!

Answer 3

It is time for a two family discussion.. after you have found out what is going on over there by using an intermediary ( an older counselor of children with years of experience with healing the children of divorce) to talk with your son. There are always at least two sides to each story...and usually more than that because someone must take the side of the children over and above their own side.

Study what your son has said ..write it down. Do not involve him in this at all. You do it yourself. Write down your reaction to his words and amount of your being upset. For all you know, there may be alot more going on over at dads house. Or for all YOU know ( and you should know ) your own feelings about him ( your son ) being there while your ex is with another woman may be the entire cause of your sons worrys. To me your entire question hints at your being very upset still over the divorce. A parents feelings can overwhelm a child and swallow them up.

If possible, make a few appointments with a child behavioral specialist and allow the child to speak privately with the specialist.

During the assessment..think over the past between you and your ex.. think of how he treated the son while you were altogether before the divorce. Was it a loving and gentle relationship filled with laughter and integrity and hugs? Make sure the counselor is told what you remember their relationship as accurately as possible without crucifying your ex. This is not about crucifying..this is about the emotional health of his son and your son. Be honest. If it was strained then..it will probably remain strained .. when a man is the head of the household.. ( SOME men may subconsciously resent another male ) and another male enters.. things can get blown out of proportion. It is not exactly anyones fault ..but it can be helped. Ok? Get going , Mom. You have alot of thinking and writing to do. it is ok to allow the son to skip some visits unless the court has ordered the visitations.

When you have accomplished the goal of fact finding on behalf of your son... get the counselor to help you organize a better way of visiting if possible which will encourage both father and son to enjoy one another.

Your son loves his daddy and should be able to visit him with joy. Find a way and make it happen, woman.

Answer 4

H e is just a typical 7yo. My wife I think spoils our son a bit to much. I discipline him more and he knows he cannot get away with the things he does with his mom. So definitely he does not want to go cause he knows he has you wrapped around his finger. You can love him but you also have to set limits.I would suggest parenting classes and maybe some counseling for the both to sort out things.My sister is a very loving mother but now that she has finally left her husband her 13yo daughter does not wish to even speak with her. She makes excuses when they ask why she does not want to go see her mom. Like she always sleeps, or there is no food in the house, followed by she says she has to eat every two hours. She is just a spoiled girl. From what I am told also her father has a new GF and is never at the house with his daughter so she has full run of the house.My fear is that she is going to get raped and pregnant or at least pregnant before she is 18. So your gonna have to be more strict then you are now or it will get out of control later on in his life.

Answer 5

Well legally, you're only obligated to have him ready. You don't have to force him to get in the car or anything like that. Tell his dad what's going on. Maybe your ex will lighten up a little and your son will enjoy it more.
My step son went through this too- he didn't want to come to our house when I first came into the picture. He was going through that stage that all kids go through (usually somewhere between 3-5, I'm sure you know) where they only want mom. He eventually became more comfortable coming over after we evaluated the situation and made some adjustments (My husband was a little tough like your ex).

Trust me, I know what you're feeling right now. You feel like the bad guy because you're making him go. Seriously, talk with his dad- let him know what's going on. Maybe dad will lighten up a little.

Answer 6

What it the shoe was on the other foot? Your son tells his father that he doesn't want to go back to you? How would you feel and react?

Kids need to be with both loving parents working together for the child's best interest. Maybe there's a compromise with the visitation schedule that would work better for all of you. Try to come up with a parenting schedule that would suit everyone needs maybe finding a parenting coordinator could help.

Answer 7

No...don't buy that for a min. There IS a reason WHY he does not want to go over there. There is something he is not telling you. It's not normal for a 7 year old boy not to want to spend time with his Dad. To the point where he crys. My daughter is 4. She does not like going over to her Dads either. But she does not cry about it. Because I explain to her why she needs to go there. So it's either because 1) there is something going on at that house 2) you are too relaxed with your son, and he knows what he can do to push your buttons. I'm not saying your son is a bad kid. But that's just what kids do. If they know their crying gets a reaction from you and they get their way. They will cry until kingdom come. When he crys, don't react to it. Allow for him to get it out if his system if he is crying for real. Ask him why he does not want to go. Tell him you cannot help him if he does not tell you. Ask him if anyone is touching or hurting him in that house. He is your son, you'll know if he is telling the truth. If he just says he does not want to then explain to him that his Dad loves and cares for him as well. And that's why he needs to make the effort to spend time with his Dad.

Answer 8

I know every mother THINKS her child is perfect and wonderful but you need to remember how MANIPULATIVE kids are, even at the age of 7. They know how to turn on the water works and how to pull at your emotions. Many divorced mothers feel so guilty about putting the child through divorce that they end up overcompensating by spoiling the child - either giving them all the toys they want, or just giving in to them in general. So of course, if that's the case, then it's natural that he'd want to stay with you. He gets his way 100% of the time when he's with you.

Unless you know of a real reason why he'd be in danger or being abused by your ex, I see no reason to keep him from going there. He may just not like the fact that his father doesn't give him everything he wants. It's important, though, for him to 1) have a male role model in his life, and 2) that he have the balance of RULES and discipline to balance out how you seem to overly baby him.

Answer 9

my 5 year old is the same way. but he wants to stay at his dad's so it's reversed. i found out why. his father always yells at his older brother when the 5 year old cries for not getting his way. and his dad never puts him on time out. well, go figure.so it may be his dad is a little harsher on the rules then you. it is still your responsibility to keep the relationship with his father a healthy one on your end. let him know that his daddy loves him too and would be hurt if he didn't come visit. fnd out what positive things he does with his father on the weekends to you can remind him that he does have a good time with his father after all.

Answer 10

No, he won't grow up to resent you. Does he give you a reason why he doesn't want to go by dad? I could see if he gave you a reason, "daddy hits me, drinks," etc... but you said he is a good dad. Just explain to your son that when he's not with daddy, daddy misses him and wants to see him to. Things will be okay. I went through this and my son is 9 now and is fine with seeing us both.