I love/hate my mother...she acts like I owe her something?

Question

Yeah, I'm gonna get a lot of heat for this, but so what. I love/hate my mother. Still. I'm nearly 60 years old myself now, and after having all these years to resolve my issues with her, they still abound. She abused me, mistreated me, beat me till I bled...when my brothers did something wrong, I had to take their punishment. When I was 14, she married me off to the first man that asked. He beat me too. After 2 years, I begged to be allowed to come home, only to face more of the same crap. She lies, she makes up nasty stories about me. When I was 41, I found someone who loves me and is my match in every way. She couldn't wait to tell him lies about me. My ex husband made a death bed confession that he slept with her both before and after we were married. What kind of mother does bad things to their kids like her? She hates all women. Loves her sons. Yet she loves to emasculate men.
Oh well. Thanks for listening. Why does she continue to bother me? I don't even call her.

Answer 1

I hate my mother too. She resented me for being the fisrst born when she didn't want to have kids yet. That's post partum depression that has lasted 33 years. She hated me from day one, but she loved my other sisters. When my sisters did something wrong, she beated ME until blood came down my legs! her explanation for that was that "she didn't want to ruin my other sisters looks!".

I was shy, scared, unconfident, sad child ... but the time I was a teenager I became bitter, resentful and hateful. I fantasized about leaving home for good. I marry young with the fisrt person that asked just to run away from home. Needless to say, that didn't work out, but I was grateful that he took me away from my awful family and until today, I thank him. He felt pity on my for the way I was treated and how mother preferred my other sisters. This is not something that I created on my head, all of my friends, relatives and even my ex-h knows this as an undeniable fact that they saw and proved with their own eyes. I never knew why and till today she denies it.

I haven't spoke to mother dearest since 2004. I hate HER and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I'm sick of tired of her condecence, manipulation and her unkindness towards me and everyone that likes me. She made me believe that I was unworthy and that no one would love me. Screw that! The very last time that I talked to her I told her that her mind games where NOT going to work anymore and that from that day on, I was an orphan. I've been happy ever since.

Good luck

Answer 2

Because CHILDREN always need parent approval,and you are still wishing you could get it, I am surprised that you wanted to go back home to the point were you had to beg, instead of getting on your own two feet, and be happy about leaving all that staff were it belong ( ON HER DOOR STEP ).
Unfortunately abuse does kill self love and self esteem and by now with half of your life almost over,it is too ingrained in you life for self help, you need professional help,or you will spent what is left of you life as a copy of your mother, bitter, nasty, twisted, you do not mention if you have children, I hope not, for I fear the pattern has passed on.
The man you mentioned, he was not much to write home about, if he chose to believe your mother so do not stress out about that, just seek help, so that you can have a few years of peace if not happiness.
THERE IS NO OPPRESSOR WITHOUT A VICTIM,
refuse to be a victim any more, good luck.

P S, CALL ON WHAT LITTLE LOVE YOU HAVE LEFT FOR YOUR MOTHER, AND REALIZE THAT SHE WAS MOST PROBABLY ABUSED HERSELF, AND REALLY SHOULD NOT HAVE HAD CHILDREN, DID NOT KNOW ANY BETTER, AND DID NOT HAVE THE RIGHT TOOLS TO BE THE MOTHER YOU DESERVED.
YOU ARE WRONG WHEN YOU SAY SHE LOVES THE BOYS, SHE IS ALSO MISTREATING THEM, BY EMASCULATING THEM, I WOULD SAY SHE HATES THEM MORE THAN YOU.
pps I have re read your letter and I apologise for misunderstanding one part of it, I picket up that the man had believed all she said about you and left, but that was not the case,so you do have somthing good in your life i am glad and so should you, focus on the good staff, again good luck

Answer 3

Your story is really heartbreaking
You have every right to be resentful... I didn't even know underage marriage still existed at that time in america.
Maybe you should both go on therapy together. She certainly needs it and with what you've been through, a little help could help you move on.
If it's not an option, get her out of your life. Block her phone number on your line. Make it clear to her you want to enjoy the rest of your life without her. Take care of you xx
If your 60, she must be getting old, now.

Answer 4

Yeee...gads!! That's bloody awful! I've never heard of someone so highly toxic. I wouldn't have anything to do with her and I mean ANYTHING! I wouldn't give out any personal information to her and I sure as hell would never answer the phone or open the door for her. Seek out some counselling ( a good counsellor can be a godsend) and pray everyday that the woman dies very soon.

Answer 5

It's just a shame that you were treated so badly by your Mom and her husband. Granted she is your mother, but you don't owe her a darn thing for the way she abused you. Why bother to have a relationship with her. It seems to me that she just wants to prove that she's in control. Your better off without her then to keep taking it from her re-guard less if she's your mother or not. Real mothers don't abuse their children, let their hubby abuse her children, or sleep with their children's spouses. She needs therapy and I would suggest going to clear the air for yourself. It's not your fault she's so awful to you. Good luck and take care of yourself.

Answer 6

Oh honey...

It sounds like you might benefit from seeing a therapist to work on healing and dealing with your anger and hurt.

I say that with the most respect. I myself am in therapy because of my "mother" issues. I'm the adult child of a narcissist and the list goes on of the horrible things she's done to me and that she's still doing.

It's completely normal to still love her because she IS your mother and gave birth to you. But because of what she's done to you, it's normal to hate her too.

I am truly sorry for everything that you've had to endure. You didn't deserve that, from her or your ex. What they've done to you was wrong, unacceptable, and absolutely not okay!

Do your brothers support you? Can you seperate your mother from your life? Even if you can, I'm sure she's still a ghost haunting you.

I sincerely wish you the best of healing and hope that you can find peace one day. I'm so glad you've found a loving and wonderful husband.

Answer 7

Good. Don't call her if you don't want.
And if she calls you again, why not say what you just wrote on this site? Tell her you love her because she gave birth to you, but you very much dislike her as a person and you do not want her around... Then hang up.
Ya, you might feel bad, but it's obvious that this woman cares mainly about herself and still doesn't give a crap that she hurt you very very badly.

Answer 8

wow, maybe she was abused growing up, which is no excuse for her behavior. Forgive the person not the act. maybe you should cut all your ties from your mother. Easier said then done. I know. you need to focus on yourself and on healing your life. You have lived long enough making others happy, be kind and do something good for "YOU".
Best wishes, darling

Answer 9

You should never give someone so much power over you not even your mother. I must say she doesn't deserve that title if she did all those things to you. I know it's been a lot of years but maybe it is time to get counseling so you can get over this. I'll pray for you.

Answer 10

I am SO sorry to hear about this...! How utterly sad,shocking, unfair and toxic...!

I agree with some of the other answers. While you are entitled to feeling angry and sad about your past and your mother's actions, you must realize that the only person who is still being abused is you. You have to make the decision-with your mind, not your heart- to heal yourself and to leave the past where it belongs.

I know it's easier said than done; but you must understand something: anger and resentment are like poison- they will engulf you and eat you inside out. The only way to overcome these awful feelings is to work on them, and there are two things you can do, IMO:
a) go to a therapist or counselor and talk about your issues so you can see them and try to verbalize what you have inside; and/ or
b) Go to church and ask people you trust to pray for you. Even if you are not a religious person, God can and will help you if you allow Him to.
..............................................................

We all need inner healing, and we all carry around tons of baggage and trash from our past. Nobody is totally unscarred; we all have traumas and pains from our childhood.

Please work on trying to let go of your painful past so you can try to enjoy your present life.

I'm not saying that your mother deserves to be forgiven;what she put you through was a terrible ordeal and one that branded you forever. But let God deal with her. She will have to answer to Him.

What I'm saying is that you should try to focus on yourself, on getting better and on healing. You sound like a very nice and smart lady, and one who deserves to be happy and to live in peace. So please consider asking for help....

As for your mother- Avoid contact with her -and ask God to help you and to heal your heart, mind and memories.
You will be in my thoughts. Good luck!