Do you think he means it? Should I give him a chance since he took a big step?

Question

I got in a fight with my husband last night. I stood up for myself for once. I told him, he better start treating me with respect. Before this, I was packing my stuff when he was in the bath. He came out and asked what I was doing, I said, " I told you, you need to figure some things out. Until you do, I'm going to stay with my mom," He said, "If you go to your mom's, we're getting a divorce." I continued to pack my stuff. He went into the room, and asked, "This is what you really want?" I said, "I am not going to tolerate being treated like crap. And I'm not going to wait 10 years to find out you aren't going to change. He left for a few seconds. Then came back and said, "I don't want you to go." I said, "I don't want to either, but I also will not live like this for the rest of my life." I began to state the inexcusable things. He admitted for the first time, he was wrong, and said it would stop. I said, "It better get 100% better soon, like by Christmas or I'm gone. He said, "OK."

I need to know, should I give him a chance to follow through with this promise that he'll treat me respectfully? He never admits he is wrong, so I think this was a big step for him. He also never admits he NEEDS me. He did that too this time...

Answer 1

I think you should give him a chance. Habits die hard however, so just cut him some slack when he slips up a little bit. It would definitely be worth a month's time to see if he could begin the process of changing. Maybe you are too nice... (doormat) and that is when he's disrespectful. He seemed to shape up a bit after you were angry with him and he almost lost you. Always have that edge of, 'if you don't treat me with respect I will leave'. And it might just simply be a look you give him, of like.. Hey, don't go there.

Answer 2

Expecting him to change 100% immediately is an unreasonable goal to set. He should be making progress and the two of you should be communicating about what is working and what is not working.

Also, why is it that he is the only one that needs to change here? I am sure that there are things that you could do that would make it easier for the two of you to get along, if you approach this as "I will do nothing and he better give me everything I want" you are just playing a zero sum game that has no chance of success.

Sounds like you have already given up on the marriage to me.

I don't mean to sound mean or harsh, but if you set unreasonable expectations and are unwilling to enter into this in an attempt to form a better UNION instead of just getting a list of demands met you will just end up with a lesser relationship than you have now.

You have made your point and he seems to want to work on it. Work on it WITH him.

Answer 3

Make sure both of you follow up on this. Set a plan in place for change to happen and talk to him about what you expect. Plus, make sure you give him a fair chance. Saying it better be completely better by Christmas might be a bit unrealistic. It takes time to change old habits. Be fully prepared to work with him to make it work...too many times I've seen from other relationships where the ultimatums are made but the person issuing them doesn't set out what is needed.

Answer 4

I give you Kudos for standing up for yourself!
you have the right idea, give him until the new year to change his tune. If he shows no improvment by Jan 1st 2008 then it is time for you to find someone that will treat you with the respect you deserve! You are a grown woman and his wife! He has NO right to treat you improperly. You seem to be a very strong woman who knows she deserves the best, dont change your way of thinking! Too many woman waste years in a bad relationship because they think the man will change, but he wont. People never truly change. So if he has not given you the respect that you DESERVE then it is time to find a man who is everything you have been looking for! Good luck and stay strong!

Answer 5

Give it a chance. Like you said, see if he's working to change by Christmas.

Why don't the two of you get counseling? It seems as if he wants to make a change, and you're willing to give him a chance since you stayed. You can do it the hard way, and try to make it work without counseling, but it'll take longer and the fights will continue while you two work things out.

Answer 6

Yes, it sounds he needs one last chance, since he admitted to being wrong. I don't know how he treated you, but if he said it will stop, and this is the first time he's said this, then give him one chance. If he does not change, he doesn't get any more chances.

Answer 7

yes you need to give him a chance because he did take a big step and admit that he was wrong. just make sure that he follows through with treating you better and with more respect

Answer 8

I hope for your sake he does mean it but my best friend has been going through this with a guy for two years. He says "I love you" and "I need you" and "Oh I swear I will change" and he still hasn't. Everytime they break up he pulls the same stuff. Hopefully your husband is different but only time will tell. I say give him chance to prove himself to you and if he changes, great, if he doesn't you'll move on and find someone who is worth loving you. :0)

Answer 9

I think you should give him a chance by seeking marriage counseling...Sounds to me like he has some control issues when he says "if you go to to your mom's, we're getting a divorce"....how mature is that? If you need time apart...then you should be apart for awhile....to sort things out and to cool off a bit...You know him best....you have to do what you think is right....

Answer 10

You stated what you wanted now let him show you he will change. Don't let him revert but defiantly give him a chance.