Whats going on with us? together for 5yrs+ and still struggling!! :*(?

Question

I am writing this quest. in this catagorie b/c there are more mature peope who answer. I am sick of getting teenage sarcastic answers! I am in a rut. I have a lot of insecuritiy issues that i believe stem from my childhood. I am not ugly , and my bf tells me every day that i am beautiful, i just still for some reason dont like myself. This causes a lot of issues with porn, certain movies, and in general girls in our relationship. Now i know a constant nagging can cause a rift in a relationship but how about being crushed by the fact that still your bf doesnt respect your feelings! than he says i care only about me...when in reality ,i revolve my world around him in every way. I think we are both overwhelmed with stress, and it casues many fights b/w us. We went from seeing and spending so much time everyday 2gether to hardly anytime and most of it is spent at his freinds houses me watching video games...i miss being happy w/him & i want to be happy with myself....any suggestions?

Answer 1

A read you question very carefully and see many issues that must be adressed. Allow me to be honest, as it seems as youc an use some of that today:

1. Self steem issues. It very clear t hat the fact that you don't like yourself is due to very poor self steem. Please understand that your low self steem is due to other issues that are independent from your boyfriend. You are the only one that can like yourself and you are the only one that can give you self worth. If you do not love you self, how do you expect to love others ? How do you want others to love you if you are constantly thinking that is a joke because you are not worth of a compliment?

-Codependency. Yes, you are co-dependent...why? Because of yoru self steem issues,. Again, you cannot expect your bf, or anyone for that matter, to constituisly pump up your ego and yoru self steem. This is very tiring to HAVE TO constantly compliment someone and that person not believing it. The truth is that you will never be satisfied with any compliment and atttention because you feel worthless. You seem only be content with excluive attention and constant REASURANCE of the relationship, your looks etc. and that's why you have jealoisy and insecurity issues with movies, friends etc... and always looking for the negative o everything.That's emotiobnal co-dependency...when someone cannot be cappy unles X< Y and Z and is jealouse around evrything and evryone... a movie?? Please.

-Selfishness Yes, YOU ARE selfish... I know that you think you are not, but you really are ....and you are the wort kind of selfish... the one that preaches how selfless they are and revolve the world around sometone else...because you want something in RETURN and that the worst type of selfishness. You dedicate every minute around him because tyou want him to reprocicate and do teh same,. only to dissapoint yoruself every time and rub on his face all teh things that you do for him. Your love have conditions and have paybacks due... and that's you are always struglling, because youcwant tome type of payoff and recognition for all your hard work. This is very selfish and is stopping you for enjoying your relationship.

-Shift priorities. If yoru main priority is yoru boyfriend, thenm your priorities are wrong. This is a lot of responsability and is unhealthy just to focuse yoru entire life on ONE person. This is wrong as you *and him too need to do other things as in any other healthy and normal relationship. Going to school, have a job and a hobbie and give each other space so you can atract each other and miss each other throght the day and look forward to see each other... but constant nagging and babysitting the phone and spying and being insecure abourt movies tec.. is NOt atractive or healthy.

Good luck

Answer 2

This sounds like a cliche, but perhaps time to get some personal counseling, bc a trained counselor can ferret out the motivations within you. The light bulb will come on, and you will get it and be able to work at improving your relationship.

You also should make time together and make "some" time apart. Individual growth is important too and you then bring something fresh and new to the relationship.

You could first try to incorporate new activities as a couple - take a cooking class together, or an art class or a sports-related class. Couples need to work on keeping it fresh and interesting.

Your guy will have to choose to find a way to be turned on by you and not other women and not porn - bc it seems as if that's a theme that is making things worse. Him looking outward to other women surely won't work and will make things worse.

Try to make each interaction positive and refrain from criticism. Only address those positive things for now and eventually it will heal the relationship.

Make time to laugh and be silly, after all a relationship should be a lot of good times.

Right now your relationships is growing apart, so you will both have to make a decision to improve it every day. So get busy now or suffer the consequences later.

Answer 3

If you don't like yourself, then you cannot be a truly happy person... and it will always be difficult for others to want to be around you. We are all attracted to people who empower us in some way... they make us feel wanted and necessary in their lives. They makes us want to see more of them and do more with them. Our lives revolve around them and become entwined. It sounds like you and your boyfriend are on the last lap in this relationship, and the ship is sinking pretty quickly here. Where he really wants to be now is at his friend's house. That's a red flag right there.

You say you have childhood issues and insecurity. You need counseling to help you see through those issues so you can have a happy and productive life and so others will want to be with you. Counseling takes time. It's not a magic visit and then all is well again. But there are so many people whose lives have improved because they committed to it.

Answer 4

Okay...this a tough one so dont take the bad answers so serious.

To the "be happy" with yourself" topic:
I think you mean this only in a way that when you look at your self you don´t think that your not beautiful. So in that case look at yourself. Find the things you can really be proud of. I mean everone has a couple of things which are real beautiful. Stick with those things and start beaing proud of them. That´s a first good step to overlook the things you aren´t so proud of.

And your relationship. Don´t really take any advice on that one. Do what you feel is right.

But in general: Try not to put so much pressure n you and on him. Try simply to enjoy yourself where you are....with him.
That tends to make things a lot easier.
Don´t try to have any expactations that might not be fullfilled. Take every situation as it is and relax. Everything is going to be alright...

Answer 5

From the way you are describing things, I think your B/friend is right. You mention that you have a lot of issues from childhood and maybe you complain a lot or nag a lot like you mention. It seems like things revolve around you.

If you can, stop talking about you and make thing about the two of you.

I do not mean to be rude. Because you acknowledge that you have issues, you need to think before you talk or act. You maybe a little too jealous. Jealous ruins things.

Answer 6

Start getting involved in some new interests of YOUR OWN. Even just taking a class, or getting a gym membership and USING it!!!

I work as a personal trainer in Chicago. I work with ALL KINDS of people, of all different ages. Believe me when I tell you- a woman that burns off stress and learns to love the iron is strong, sexy as all get out and feels DAMN GOOD ABOUT HERSELF.

Good luck to you!!!! You can do it!! Be happy!!!

Answer 7

Find a self help book on self esteem....they are really good. I am in marketing and I read them because a positive attitude is important in my line of work...people love positive people....this includes your boyfriend. In my opinion in a relationship people need to fall in love with that person over and over again...what they had in the beginning...those memories fade and most people live in the present. Somehow you have made your biggest fear of loosing him a possibility..this is not an uncommon thing. If you feel good about yourself today and know that you are worth as much as if not more than these other women that are intemidating to you, you sill shine. After all you are the flesh and blood woman in his life, if you are positive and happy when he sees you he is going to want to spend time with you. I talk to a therapist from time to time because we have a difficult blended family situation in our marriage.....I need tools to draw from to deal with this mess...anyhow, when my husband is feeling removed or trapped by a situation, she always tells me to give him an Oscar winning performance of my love and devotion for him...this includes making him smile, and bringing him into a happy place in our home. I don't normally discuss my insecurities with him, I save that for a journal or her and sometimes here.....the way I feel is mine, I own it, it is not fair to put it on him....this is what it sounds like you are doing...putting your insecurities on him when in fact they have nothing to do with him. Haven't you ever seen a very homely woman who has been married to a handsome guy for ever?? She always looks happy, it is really the inner beauty that we have that makes a relationship work. You have an abundance in you, and it is time you started looking at it....

Answer 8

well, start with the basics....are you individually happy and mentally healthy? someone depressed?

second.... what are your needs, and what are your wants? what is impractical or kindof unrealistic.....

I know most married people (over 20years marriage)....would emphatically say that yes....we argue, but at the end of the day....I wouldn't trade him/her for the world....

are you guys there yet? are you pulling in two different directions..... think of yourselves as rowing a boat....are you both rowing in the same direction,,,,taking turns or putting in roughly equal shares?

lastly, the grass will always look greener....but you don't know what cha got till it's gone....

good luck

Answer 9

Maybe ya'll need to take a break. Sometimes couples need some time apart. Time apart will either draw you closer together, or it will show you it's not meant to be. Either way, you don't need to depend on him to make you feel good. You have to first love yourself, otherwise you'll never be happy in any relationship.

Answer 10

you ever think it might be him move on he dont love you