i just found out my daughter was touched many times by her half brother. he dosen't live with me. i'm not sure what to do now. the state is involved now. but what i don't get is she says it happened this summer in my parents barn and in my van on the way home from school, so why didn't she say anything? shes not even upset about it. i know my daughter very well, so my other question is could she have played a part in it to? she has lied many times for the attention she gets from the school so how do i know what is the truth and whats not? her half brother admits to touching her, but she still says nothing to me. i know she will need counseling but if she played a part in this shouldn't she have to take responsibility to?
2007-11-28 23:33:58 · 13 answers · asked by kat ? 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Family
Don't accuse her of being involved, do not say how old her half brother is? just remember that children get curious about things, if you get heavy with her it could be very traumatic for her, maybe a sit down and a chat kept very light hearted would work.
She may have agreed to it, or her half brother could have threatened, just remember to go slowly and carefully.
Good luck and please do not over react like a lot of the people answering your question
2007-11-29 09:57:13 · answer #1 · answered by Roger S 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Perhaps she isn't showing emotion because she can't trust your reaction. Children who lie do so because they don't feel they can tell the truth without recrimination or worse from their parents. Do you love her unconditionally? Don't just say yes, because the undertone of your question says something different. I would get her into counseling where she can speak with a third party freely. Look at it this way, if this was a simple case of show me yours and I'll show you mine, and both parties were responsible(assuming the half brother is of a similar age) this young man's will now be considered a sex offender and that's not fair.
However be aware that a 12yr old cannot give consent to partake in this kind of activity as they do not fully understand the consequences of their actions. Thats why the age of the boy is important, if this boy was older then he most likely knew this was wrong and he took advantage of her. Your daughter could be ashamed that she didn't do more, and you don't know that he didn't threaten her, alot of sexual abusers threaten their victims with telling the parents, or even killing them. Perhaps your daughter just simply didn't know what to do, and now is ashamed to talk about it.
I'll tell you something, when the father of a friend exposed himself to me several times over one summer, I did go to my mother and told her what he was doing because I didn't know what to do. She told me he must be doing that because of something I was doing, because he was a nice man and would never do such a thing. Turned out he was molesting all three of his sons and daughters. The fact that my mother not only didn't protect me, but made me responsible was all the proof I needed to finally realize that my mother loved me with conditions. We've never had a relationship, and at her elderly age, we won't. While I changed that way of parenting with my own daughters, its haunted me for almost 40 years. You need to get a handle on what you consider "knowing your daughter very well". It reeks of something not so right.
2007-11-29 00:46:29 · answer #2 · answered by tjnstlouismo 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, you should never think that your daughter had a hand in it too. That is almost like just coming out and blaming her. The question is, is her half brother older than her? If he is, then it is his fault. I have no doubt that he is the one that initiated the encounter. You are misreading your daughter. People that go through these kinds of things sometimes will act like they are ok, when just the opposite is true. Her brother may have even told her that was he was doing was normal, but that it was a secret thing that grownups do not need to know about. I could keep going and giving you all these possibilities of what she is feeling. But, what I am trying to say is that kids that have been molested sometimes have terrible psychological problems that sometimes do not manifest until later. Please do not ever blame your daughter. And don't bombard her with questions either. Let her know that you are there for her anytime that she wants to talk and be a solid rock that she knows that she is safe talking to you and when she is ready to talk, she will. But, if your daughter "played a part in it" like you say, it is because her brother told her that what they were doing was ok. Think about that. My name is Cat, I will pray for your family. I know what you are going through is rough right now. Anytime you need to get anything off your chest or just want to talk, you can e-mail me.
† Cat--prayer warrior †
2007-11-29 00:00:26 · answer #3 · answered by biggestjesusfan, † Cat P.W. † 4 · 3⤊ 1⤋
the best answer i can give is this...ASK GOD FOR GUIDANCE, UNDERSTANDING and TRUTH! My stepchildren said 2 years ago that their mom's boyfriend did some awful things to them and we went to court but the judge didnt agree with them and gave them back to their mother and her boyfriend now she is married to another man and all my husband and i do is pray that GOD will always protect them and that their mother will have her eyes open to see the things that go on...also my children were also molested by their grandfather (their dad's side) and he is serving 20 years now...I believe all four of my children...just b/c she seems to have no emotion doesnt mean she is guilty she is 12 and maybe she was too scared to say anything at first and then felt guilty for not saying anything in the first place either way it doesnt make it right for anyone to put their hands on her sexually...she needs to know you believe her and trust in her regardless...how old is her half-brother?
2007-11-29 02:01:19 · answer #4 · answered by jrolao77 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You don't mention how old the step brother is but from what you do say I get an impression he is young as well?
Often within familes kids experiment when hormones rage or they get to an age they become curious. Often they experiment with each other in curiosity and it means very little although it should not be permmitted and the children should be talked to.
There is a good chance your daughter went along with it in the way she was also curious. Sometimes children can be confused by something they know is wrong but they still have adult feelings and don't understand why something that feels bad can also feel good. This may be what is occuring with your daughter and she may be confused. She may even feel a bit of guilt because her natural feeling were arroused whether or not she liked the touching. I'd explain this to my daughter that that is natural to have feelings but wrong for her brother to be touching her.
Counseling may be in order for her as well as him. You also don't know what conversations took place or what the step brother may have been telling her if he is older. Alot of times the molester makes the victum feel just as guilty.
I can't say if she played a part in it she has responsibility for being punished as well because often the victum has a misconception of what exactly happened especially if they had any arrousel themself. It does NOT mean she liked being touched she just may have been naturally arroused and doesn't understand it and was curious or to afraid to stop it. She may aslo be embarrassed and just numbed herself to it all. Sometimes we can do that when we want to avoid something we don't like or aren't comfortable with.
If this step son is much older and he initated the touching without her persmission then he is the guilty party and she may just be reacting in a natural way for the occurance and her age. It does not make her guilty. Especially if she didnt' ask for it, agree to it, or encourage it.
I would be sure to keep them apart or supervised if thats not possible. I think the boy needs couseling too and he needs to not be left alone with minors.
I wouldn't blame my daughter until I knew more of the facts if you ever know them. You are not sure where she stands or how she feels and something liek this can trigger many emotions and confusion in a young girl. It does not mean she promoted it or wanted it. She very well may have just been to afraid to speak up. Its very hard to say someone is hurting you in a private way. Its an invasion that is very deep and hard for many to deal with. A child would have no skills in knowing how. Get her help and see if you can't help her express her feelings so she can properly deal with them. I would NOT make her feel guilty or insinuate she must have liked it as you don't know that and it could be very damaging to your daughter mentally. Support her, let her know you are there and that it is NOT ok for someone to touch her or hurt her. LEt her know it is the boy you are angry at and not her and that you are sorry she was hurt. It may help her to open up to you more. Making her feel guilty at all will cause her to clam up. she may not at all understand her feelings or why she has them. Professional help in this area would be best. Be there for your daughter and let her know her feelings are ok regardelss what they are. She wasn't worng the boy was for touching her. Even if she didn't know what to do when he did. Even if it was arrousing to her. She is a person and born with certain feelings that are not her fault if someone invades them and causes arrousel. She may need to know that.
The boy may have raging hormones he isn't able to control, and should have help with. He needs told touching someone is wrong until of a certain age and they must also want to be touched and old enough regardelss of felt desire. Its ok to feel it is not ok to act on it when young or both aren't consenting.
2007-11-29 00:09:18 · answer #5 · answered by savahna5 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Don't assume that she "played a part" in it just because she did not tell you what occurred. Maybe she was scared or ashamed. There are 101 reasons she may not have told you - maybe he threatened her or may she thought you would be mad. She may not want to talk about it right now to anyone or maybe she doesn't feel comfortable talking to you about it. Bottom line is that there is no "How to act after being molested" guidelines. Every person has there own defense mechanism to try to protect themselves. Your daughter needs your love and support right now - not your doubt.
2007-11-29 00:15:03 · answer #6 · answered by KaseyT33 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
You didn't say how old the half-brother is. If he's 12 or 13, then it's sort of normal, curious behavior (though not acceptable!). On the other hand, if her half-brother is, say, 20, then what he did is illegal. Young girls are easily persuaded by older boys.
2007-11-29 00:03:00 · answer #7 · answered by Sport 3 · 1⤊ 1⤋
for starters that is really personal information but what would really help is if sit down and talk to her and then talk to him and get both sides. be sure to pay attention to her feelings as she will take it more personally. im not saying ignore his feelings but his dont need as much attention as he was the offender...and cuz boys dont care much about the situation. remember this if/when you are punishing her.....she more than likey was pressured into it, as that is the curious and developing age (not such a good mix)
2007-11-28 23:53:52 · answer #8 · answered by sunshine 2 · 0⤊ 1⤋
If she is not upset and she is so nonchalant about it, it seems she played her part. However, if thats not the case, you need to be very careful because how you act to her at this time may affect her for long times to come.
2007-11-28 23:47:34 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
She is 12, and she probably allowed it because she enjoyed it.
She is as guilty of this as he is.
She thought that she would not tell so that this could happen again, and much later her guilt ate her up, so she told you about it...
All the same, I feel that she should also be held responsible for a part in this...
2007-11-28 23:43:57 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 2⤋