When is the best time to tell my son that my husband is not his real father?

Question

my husband and I have been together since i was 3 months pregnant.I am now 8months and i am expecting a boy!
now,my sons biological father is fillipino and im half french and japanese.so he will look asian.
My husband is polynesian (maori) and has dark skin.
he is willing to raise my son as his too but im worried what the world will think when he tells people that its his son!his familly thinks that im caring his child..I told my husband to tell them the truth but he says it doesnt matter, that he is "the father".
Obvisouly,they are not going to look alike.him and my familly says its best not to tell my son the truth.
but then im worried that my son might get bullied when he starts school by the maori kids because he might tell them that hes maori when he looks asian!and im also scared that he might stop respecting my husband or go look for his real father.i know i will have to tell him the truth oneday but when?
Also,what do i tell people if they say he doesnt look like his dad?

Answer 1

Just like adopted kids, you should tell him the truth from the very beginning. As they grow up, they will understand more about what you're saying. But, that doesn't mean you change the story. It just means they understand more of the consistant story you've been telling.

If you tell anything but the truth, eventually your son will find out and then loose all respect for you. If you couldn't tell him the truth on this, what else have you been fibbing about his whole life. TRUST is the most important thing you can teach. Don't start with a lie.

Remember - there is a difference between "Birth Father" and a father. A father raises you, cares for you, protects you, shelters you, etc. A birth father donated sperm.

Answer 2

Your little son is going to have some troubling, very self-conflicting problems, growing up. From the time he starts kinder garden. I would tell him as soon as he can comprehend what you are trying to tell him. The very first time something comes up or before that happens. The first time you bring up the subject, you don't have to go into deep details. Just a summary of sorts. Don't put on him more than he can handle. Let him ask questions to judge how much you should tell. As he grows older, tell him more. Little by little, until he knows as much of the truth as you yourself know. If you don't tell him the truth, he'll always wonder (even at a very young age) why he is so "different" from others. He'll think there is something wrong with himself. Pray and ask God for wisdom and guidance.
So, please do tell him; don't keep the information from him. He will know deep down inside, that something is wrong, somewhere, and if you wait until he is grown, he'll turn against you and deeply resent you for it.
Don't disregard the implications of where DNA (for all people) will be 20 yrs. from now.

Answer 3

You are hormonal. Stop worrying. I have 3 boys and they all look totally different, even though they all have the same father. Just tell people he looks like himself.

Wait until your son is old enough to ask questions. If the subject never comes up let sleeping dogs lay. Be grateful you found a man that loves you enough to accept responsibility for your child.

Answer 4

I think the best thing would be to acknowledge that he has an "other daddy" or a "far away daddy" or a "daddy that was going to be his until THIS daddy showed up and loved him so much that he now he's going to be his daddy for ever and ever" at a very, very, very early age.

Little kids define what is normal by what they see and hear around them. If you tell him when he is little, he'll accept it pretty well. And then you won't run the chance of the biological father showing up and suddenly wanting a right to the son who doesn't even know he exists. THAT could be very painful for a kid, to find out that way.

Answer 5

A child will find this harder to deal with this with age. You should let him know as soon as possible, raise him with the knowledge that his father isnt his real father before he has the knowledge to know any different. If he's aware through out his childhood, he wont see it as a problem, but if he starts life thinking a family has a father and a mother, and then is told his father isnt his real father, this can be VERY traumatic.

It may not be other peoples business, but kids are smart, and if you dont tell him he will find out, and than you risk loosing his trust and raising a rebel. The assumption that you need to wait for a child to be communicatible on an adult level is wrong, and to raise a confidant and well rounded child, it is important to always tell the truth to your child, and try not to sugar coat it to much.

Answer 6

personal experience, I was 16 when my little sister told me the man I thought was my biological father may not be.....I was so hurt!!! My mother, my step mother and my father never bothered to tell me, I had to find out from my sister!!! I still love my dad, he will always be my dad, but for the whole world to know and not me, it hurt allot! And with the difference in race you face a bigger issue. If my sister had not told me, or no one else for that matter I never would of been the wiser, but it will be obvious to your son when her is older. Also my brother and sister in law (both white) have a son who is obviously half Spanish.. and they don't want to tell him. he has 2 older sisters that are white as can be and he has a year round tan, how long do they think that he will believe the lie that he is my brothers son!
also you need to consider the possibility of the biological father coming back into his life, if you lie to him and 20 years down the road another man shows up claiming to be his father....things might not go so well...
your son will know the difference between a father(sperm donor) and a dad, the one that raised you, loved you, provided for you, the one that was there when you needed them!!

Answer 7

My son does not look very much like his father. His father had dark skin, my son and I have light skin. You can just say, for the time being that he looks like an uncle of yours. When he gets older, you will want him to know the truth, but for now it is unimportant. He could not understand right now anyway.

As long as your husband treats him the same as any of the other children you mihgt have, there will be no problems. Have your husband adopt him ( before any other children are born), so that when you tell your son, later on in life, he will know that your husband loved him enough to make your son his own.

Answer 8

You need to tell him eventually considering if you don't he'll feel as if he has been lied to his whole life, and that's never good. Break it to him at a age where he can understand but he won't rebel and act out either. You know? It'll make it easier on him that way in the long run. Do it before the age of 12 or so.

Make sure to let him know blood doesn't matter, and that he is his dad in all of the way's that matter, because that's what really counts. <3

Answer 9

Honesty is the best policy. Whether you like it or not the truth will come out...especially with DNA testing. You don't have to explain anything to strangers. What is more important is the trust your son will have for you.

Answer 10

You shouldn't ever keep the truth from him. I would just say that your "father" had other priorities in life but this is and always will be your "daddy" Is your husband planning to adopt him?