My sister is in an intense abusive relationship. I am starting to get worried about her safety. Advice?

Question

I live with my big sister who is 24 and married. I am 16. Our whole lives we have been toghether going from foster home to foster home. When finnaly we were adopted by this nice family. Then my sister met this guy. They went out for 4 years and got married. They have been married for two years. One night I was doing homework when I heard arguing downstairs. I ignored it, but then I heard a loud and scary scream! Thats when I ran to the stairs and saw something awful. My sister on the floor crying with bruises all over her arms and face. THats when I saw him come over to her and kick her! Then he looked up towards the stairs and I ran into my room. The last time I saw her being abused was in the kitchen. She was throwing pots and pans at him because he slapped he. Then he started to go for then she tried to climb the counters but he grabbed her and threw her against the wall and started to hit her!

Story continues:

I am realy starting to get worried about not just her safety, but mine too! I mean what if he comes over and starts hitting me! I try my best everyday to tell our parents but my sister is just like "Don't tell Mom and Dad. Nothing is wrong, I mean it's just a few little arguments. Nothing major." Thats what she tells me all the time. She is freaken scared of him! What should I do? I don't want ther to get hurt, or me. Advice?

Answer 1

Your sister isn't thinking straight. Tell your folks. Let her know you have. Also tell her next time her husband does that, you are calling the police. See if you and your folks can convince her to leave him. He is dangerous. Women have been killed by men who are abusers.

Spousal abuse never gets better. The abuser apologizes and acts nice for awhile, then blows up over some insignificant thing. She needs to get away from him. There are women's shelters that will take her in, but you will probably have to go back with your folks.

Please, you must do this to keep both of you safe. Additionally, she needs a complete physical check up. He could have done internal damage to her.

Answer 2

Be supportive of your sister. Check in on her several times a day (at least two). Don't tell her to leave him because that will make her defensive and more isolated. You need her to feel comfortable enough with you to tell you when she needs you (needs help). You have to catch her at the right moment so that you''re there for her when she thinks about leaving him. Unfortunately, he will kick her *** a couple of times before she will get it. I would have her come out of the house and spend time with family and friends. Help her realize that there is like outside of this relationship. Discuss an action plan with her. "IF HE HITS you again....." make sure she is knows exactly what to do so that she doesn't feel lost and hopeless. When I say plan I mean.... Where will she go/stay at? What will she need when she leaves (birth certificates, SS cards, important documents, stash of cash)? What are her support systems ( family, friends, social services)? Have her contact some of the domestic violence hotlines. Allow her to talk to some of the people they will support her when she is ready.

Answer 3

PLEASE READ THIS AND ACT QUICKLY.
You made a step in the right direction by posing this question in a public forum. You are trying to do the right thing. Your heart is pulling you two different directions..... both out of love. Your past has you very loyal to your sister, and you want to honor her request. But your present has you very protective of your sister (and yourself, survival instinct). In your gut you KNOW you can't keep quiet about this. It only gets worse. It will NOT get better. The longer she stays, the harder it will be for her to emotionally recover, let alone the physical damage.
Your big sister has some self-esteem and pride issues that are stopping her from doing the right thing for herself and for you. She wants to believe she can handle the situation and it will get better. She's in denial. If she's been with this guy for years, then he's had plenty of time to do quite a number on her confidence and emotional well-being. Her emotions are overriding her common sense. If you are the only other person who sees the entire picture for what it is, YOU WILL NEED TO BE STRONG AND MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION FOR HER. Unlike some advice I saw earlier, I would NOT advise waiting until the next time and calling the police. Your sister is not even ready to admit the whole truth to herself or family, much less authorities, and this could backfire. You need to arm yourself with information, have a plan in place, and then GO TO YOUR ADOPTIVE FAMILY with what you've seen and learned, and ask for help. Call a local battered women's shelter (often found near the front of phone books under local hotlines and info.). If you can't find a listing for this, you can call the non-emergency number for your local police or sheriff's dept. and ask for the number. Someone at a local shelter can answer questions and give you solid advice based on experience/training, and possibly give you local options for your sister. Also google "domestic violence" for your local area. Armed with information, GO TO YOUR FAMILY OR A GUIDANCE COUNSELOR. Do not procrastinate or wait til "the next time". I've volunteered for women's shelters, and sometimes "the next time" is more than you bargained for. Get yourself out of that situation even if (at first) your sister refuses to get herself out. No exceptions to this. If your sister stays , keep trying different things (check out the psychology section at your local library and give your sister self-help books on helpful subjects, print out things you can find on the internet that might sway her, etc.) Be sure and tell your sister there is nothing for her to be embarrassed about instead of adding to her feelings of insecurity, remind her of her strengths and how much you value her because an abusive man will strip her of these things.
God speed, good luck, and I hope and pray many blessings for both of you in the future.
Miss Monica

Answer 4

Your sister definitely needs to get out of that relationship. The next time this happens, call the police, when they arrive you can tell them everything that you have witnessed. Regardless, he will be taken away. Now whether or not he stays away is up to your sister. And no matter what she says, please for her sake and yours tell your parents, they deserve to know what kind of man she is with, and maybe they could help. Best of luck, and don't ever be scared of a man, they bleed just like we do. Another way, you could intervene but you need to be aware of consequences with this abusive jerk, is when they fight next time, go in and give him a piece of your mind, tell him exactly what you think of him and if he goes after you, then you still call the police, and YOU can press charges and theres not a thing your sister can do about it.

Answer 5

You can't do nothing for her... it's up to her to be safe... being in a situation like that it's tough... like you said she's scared and sees no hope... I will advice you to find out about shelters in your area... have a phone always on hand... keep your documents in a backpack ready for any emergency... maybe have a "secret" signal with a neighbor.. like flicking the porch light or opening and closing drapes...
This is a matter of life and death... maybe once your sister sees there is help available she will get the courage to leave that horrible relationship.

Check this website... it may be of help if you are not in the area they can help you find one in your city or state.

humanoptions.org

Answer 6

I'm really very sorry. Your sister is in a situation which many women (and some men) suffer.. and they always believe it when the spouse says it will never happen again.. does your brother in law drink too?

Your sister needs HELP... and so does her husband.

I dont' know what else to tell you except to call the police next time he abuses her... i dont know if it would help her or not?

And i'm sorry your parents are turning a blind eye to it...

sending hugs your way.

Answer 7

Pass this information on to her. I hope she is smart enough to get out now:

Are you in an abusive relationship?
By Ginny Lund, M.A., L.P., C.E.A.P.

Women often are the victims of domestic violence and other forms of abuse. But, they're not the only ones at risk. Every year in the United States, more than 800,000 men are physically or sexually assaulted by a male or female intimate partner. And, when it happens, men can feel guilt, shame or anger, just as women do.

Beyond arguing
Most relationships go through tough times occasionally, resulting in arguments and tension. But, abuse is different. It's a pattern of one person using fear and intimidation to gain power and control over another. Abuse isn't always physical — it can include emotional, psychological or economic tactics, as well.

You may be in an abusive relationship if your partner:
Yells, screams or swears at you
Continually criticizes you or embarrasses you with put-downs
Monitors where you go and whom you call
Controls the finances and makes you ask permission to do things
Deprives you of food, transportation or access to health care
Tries to isolate you from family or friends
Throws objects, kicks doors, punches walls or damages your property
Shoves, slaps, bites or hits you
Accuses you of cheating or is jealous often
Manipulates you into unwanted sexual acts or ignores your feelings about sex
Sabotages your job or schoolwork
Threatens to kill you or to commit suicide

It's OK to ask for help
If you've been living with abuse, you may find yourself doubting your own judgment. Men who are abused may not seek help because they're embarrassed or afraid no one will believe them. Or, they may just hope things will get better.

But, abuse often gets worse over time. It can cause chronic health problems, such as post-traumatic stress disorder, depression and headaches. It also can lead to injury or death. Children who witness abuse may develop health and behavioral problems, too.

If you feel threatened by your partner, call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 for help or visit www.ndvh.org.

Answer 8

i would tell your parents anyway. i have a sister also and i know it seems like your stabbing her in the back but its the best thing to do. you should also talk to her alot tell her that she deserves better and that she is worth much more. try to open her eyes because this guy has her so freaked out she thinks she needs him and she probably thinks he loves her and will change. dont stay quiet your sister could end up hurt or worse dead. good luck.

Answer 9

let her get mad at you! she will get over being mad once all the pain and bruises are gone. It would be better than to have her mad after something has happen and wish that you had done something. Don't allow for you to be unable to live with yourself for the rest of your life if something does happen to her and you didn't get her to safety.

Answer 10

Get it Video Tape. In due time this will waork has evidance of brutality.

Get you sister out of this. Get a Lawer