My Boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years and lived together for the last year, recently we have been talking about getting engaged and starting a family next year (I am 24 and he is 28) He seems really keen on starting a family and would do it now if I would let him. I want to be engaged first and would like it to be soon, I have been talking about us going ring shopping and he says yes, but just doesn't seem all that keen? Any ideas why?
2007-11-28 08:29:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
Some men are just like that. They procrastinate, it is not that he doesnt want to get you a ring...it's just that it takes effort. You are obviously committed to each other, you need to take the upper hand here and say "come on, Let's go look at some rings" and drag him into a jewellers. My man was a little like this, he wanted to get me a ring, just didnt know where to start.
Dont make the mistake of having a child with this guy before marrying him. He sounds like the type that is of the thought "oh well, things are good, marriage wont change anything so why worry?"
Make yourself very clear to him that yes you do want kids but not until after you are married. So the sooner he goes ring shopping, the sooner he gets a child. Once he understands that things should fall into place. Whatever you do, dont give in to him.
2007-11-28 10:32:40 · answer #1 · answered by bluegirl6 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It may be that he just isn't all that into weddings -- or is eager to start a family and worries about the expense of a wedding hindering your combined ability to provide for your future kids.
Talk to him about it! Gently ask, "It seems like you are ready to say that I'm the one you want to be with and raise a family with, but it seems as though you want to do that without getting married. For me, there is an order to things and I want to be married before we have kids...is there a reason you're not as enthusiastic?" He might say, "Nah, I just don't see the point of all this wedding stuff, but if you really want to I don't mind...." or he might say, "I want to get married too, but I think we should make it a small ceremony so we can save for when the first baby arrives..." etc. Maybe he just feels weird going ring shopping and he'll jump at the idea of you picking out the ring on your own, etc. There are all kinds of possibilities, but you won't know unless you ask!
He might also avoid the question, call you crazy or controling, etc. In which case, he's probably afraid of real commitment or doesn't trust you for some reason -- and if so then you need to think about whether you really want to be married to him.
2007-11-28 08:39:32 · answer #2 · answered by weirdiscomplimentary 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
some guys are a little slow to the idea of "settling down" when it actually comes down to the details (i don't know why they see marriage as more permanent than children, but anyhow). I think it's important that you both sit down and discuss where your priorities are in your relationship before you move forward (with getting married or having children). it's a good opportunity for you each to "state your case" (for you, why you think getting engaged first is important, and for him, why having children first is important). it doesn't have to be a fight over the issue, but should definately be discussed. I don't think it's necessary to be engaged/get married before having kids, but it really comes down to both people in the couple agreeing on the issue, before you start to resent eachother if someone makes a compromise (and on this issue, someone will). My fiance and I decided to get married first before having children (again, I'm not saying this is true for everyone) but that is the environment that we decided together would be best to raise our children in. My cousin is pregnant with her first child, and she and her boyfriend will welcome their new baby. They've talked about getting married, but decided to do the baby thing first.
For some people "getting married" isn't all that important. They consider themselves married before ever making it official on paper. Others want the ring, the big wedding and the nuptuals before all friends and family before it becomes "official". It doesn't have to be one or the other. Maybe your guy has more of the "we live together, and that's as good as married" type of outlook where you feel something else"? Now's as good of a time as ever to put it out on the table and really talk about where your priorities and hopes and dreams lie. Not only about getting married (and children, but what your values are, if you ever dreamed of living in a house - it's good to see if you're on the same page).
2007-11-28 08:46:55 · answer #3 · answered by deenie 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe he is worried about the expense of a ring right now. I can only guess but seeing as he loves you and has been talking about family and marriage, don't worry. You just have to get him out this weekend and start looking at rings. Some guys need a shove in the right direction. ;-)
.
2007-11-28 08:42:45 · answer #4 · answered by Dotty 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I certainly hope it isn't a case of him not being able to afford a ring, because kids cost way more than that!
Sit him down and talk it through. If you see yourself being with this guy for the rest of your life, you just have to push through awkward conversations.
Sadly, in today's age of many girls being left (literally) holding the baby, you have to be smart and form a solid family base before having kids. Its not fair but just a fact that guys get to walk away from kids much easier than we do.
2007-11-29 05:13:34 · answer #5 · answered by SnowBunny 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I am with everybody else. But if you really want 2 have a baby then i guess it's ok its up 2 u becauz ur the 1 who has 2 go through to pregnacy
2007-11-28 08:39:13 · answer #6 · answered by sexy_rich_gurl 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Men hate shopping. Go pick out a ring yourself and then tell him what you want. Get married first before you consider having a baby with this man.
Loretta
2007-11-28 08:40:00 · answer #7 · answered by Lorelai 3 · 3⤊ 0⤋
I know it's corny, but why buy the cow when he's getting the milk for free? I'm not saying move out or anything, but the other girls are right. He may not understand how it will affect you and the child by not being married, and if your dad is anything like mine, he doesn't know how hard a 50-something year old man can hit.
Remember, you're better than that.
2007-11-28 08:44:03 · answer #8 · answered by VWs8mydog 2 · 0⤊ 2⤋
I agree with Blunt. If he can't afford a ring, he certainly can't afford to raise children! Sit down and explain this to him.
2007-11-28 09:27:57 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
I agree with the no marriage, no babies thing! My girlfriend is now a single mother 'cause she believed the guy and the day she tells him she's pregnant he threw her out.
As to why he isn't going... Perhaps he wants to surprise you?
2007-11-28 09:00:09 · answer #10 · answered by nova_queen_28 7 · 0⤊ 1⤋