For all the Non-churchy types, Could I have a little help please?

Question

I need some suggestions on combating the indoctrination of my sons...

My husband is very strongly Christian, I am very spiritual but not religious. We attend church and Sunday school regularly because it is what my husband wants and the kids enjoy it. Unfortunately I'm seeing the affects it is having on my sons. Already my eldest is beginning to be forceful about his beliefs and is upset when others don't agree. He was presented with a bible and walks around quoting scripture.

I have been encouraging him to read other books about nature, animals, jokes, anything! I constantly remind him that not everyone believes the same or goes to church and that is fine, we have different experiences and opinions.

Any other suggestions? (And no unfortunately skipping church doesn't seem to be an option if I want to keep a happy family life.)

Mystine! People change after marriage... we have changed in different directions.

Wow Jean... assume much?

Jean, seeing as how you don't allow emails... I do believe in Jesus it is the Holy Spirit that guides me to love all others unconditionally. THIS is what Jesus taught not to love a book of old laws above God and people. That is what he warned the Pharisees about. How is your love showing today?

Answer 1

Kids are perceptive. . . if he feels you are dodging him, his questions or trying to re-direct his attention, energy, interests, he'll be suspicious or even try to "convert" you. . . or worse. . . "save" you.

Sounds like you are doing the right thing by reminding him that other people may hold different beliefs and practice other religions. It is common for children below the teen years to have difficulty empathizing with others or even consistently and clearly seeing another person's point of view (which is why they get upset if others don't agree. . . they can only clearly see their own perspective. . . but this will change). Maintain your beliefs and your boundaries non-defensively and try to encourage his interests and let him know that you are pleased with what he's learning but that there's a world of information out there.

You've demonstrated a real team spirit by going along with something that pleases your spous and kids. My encouragement to you from one mother to another (I experienced this when my son was from 7-9) is that kids go through all kinds of interests, stages, "looks," etc. as they try to figure out life for themselves. . . as they try to decide "who they are" they actually are a lot of different people. . . often conflicting from one year to the next.

I can say with confidence that both good and bad stages pass. My once straight-A student is happy to pass at all. . . my Bible-thumping child now questions the existence of God. My child who picked anything remotely resembling a vegetable out of everything (even salsa) is now a vegan. Go figure.

This too shall pass. Try to keep your sanity.

Ravyn

Answer 2

You have a real challenge in front of you and I will be honest, I would not know what to say to you, to deal with the situation.

I could say that the children will start to think for themselves as they get older, but in cases like yours, when they are being indoctrinated into a particular religion, it is a kind of brainwashing.

The only thing I can see that you are able to do. Is by example. I don't know whether I would go to Church with them, if I was in your place. I do not belong to any religion and I would feel uncomfortable sitting listening to the doctrine.

Keep talking to them about not judging - quote Jesus on this and other lessons he taught. i.e. Loving thy neighbour (that means not saying I am right and my neighbour is wrong).

Say Jesus did not get upset when anybody disagreed with him, and maybe it would be a good thing if he copies Jesus and tried to be like him. (There is nothing wrong with that at all because I feel that Jesus had wonderful teachings but they were taken and interpreted according to what a Church wanted to create.)

Try and find a book, for his age, that talks more about the actual teachings of Jesus, not the organized religion part, because that is not what he wanted, I don't think.

You may be able to get around it by using Jesus as a good example, differently than what they are teaching in Church.
If you do it in a positive way, with love, you may be able to get somewhere.

Good luck and don't forget, keep loving and positive, no matter what.

Answer 3

In my opinion I would recommend telling him that it is not appropriate to force your beliefs on others, it is not only against the grain of spirituality, to preach to others, but it makes people run from the love of God. We must show by action, not by word. Spiritual is showing, and religion is telling. There is a difference.
Take him to the woods, you know the ones, and tell him what you know of them. Teach him how to listen to the earth and the trees. Show him the beauty of a leaf, the sounds of the animals, that is the best example of spirituality, we have to show. They never take and always give beauty, whispering gently to all who would listen.
Maybe show the different kinds of stones, quartz, malachite, feldspar, take him on an adventure and show him that each different kind has its own beauty. Much like people, we have different looks and beliefs that make us beautiful.
Take him to waterfalls, streams and try to get him to listen to the sound of the water, and see what he hears.
Sometimes it takes time, but it will work, I showed this to my step daughter. Started at the age of 8 and now she follows a more open form of spirituality. You know I don't believe in organized religion one bit, but am extremely spiritual.
Good luck hunni!
Love and light,
If you need anymore help, I am here for you!
~:0)
HUGS

Answer 4

You need to talk to your husband. The two of you have very different beliefs and parenting styles. A compromise is necessary. Perhaps if your husband is insistent upon sending the family to church, perhaps a church with universalist beliefs like your own might be a good compromise for both of you.

Answer 5

I dont know what else you can do sweetheart ...
you have told him that not everyone believes the same , you obviously have a lot of respect for others and their beliefs
so you are a good role model for your son

you dont mention how old he is though .... if he is 14/15 or something like that , then it may be a little too late to make any difference to how he thinks
he is his own person

much love to you guys though and I hope things work out well xx

Answer 6

Ouch! I'm afraid I have nothing concrete for you but to agree with the general suggestion that you try to get this kid's head out of its current cloud before it's too late.

There's a large cluster of kids who begin to show sign of schizophrenia some time after puberty, and at the very least this boy's aberrations will be unnoticed if he's that deep into his preaching.

Many theists on here demonstrate a weird tendency to proclaim religious 'wisdom' loudly - as if they alone have access to the Truth and demand that people listen to them. It's a strange symptom that would be considered rude and patronising in any other sphere, but somehow preaching religion is seen as normal.

It won't be good for him to get too deeply into this.

Good luck.

CD

Answer 7

I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings. What is done to children in the name of religion is no different than the brainwashing the Rev. Jim Jones used on his flock. It is in essence teaching our children not to think-to question. with some children this brainwashing is so strong-he may decide to be a preacher--and you will simply have to accept that. In most children--at some point--high school-college-they begin to question some of the fundamental assumptions of their religion--and often-finding those assumptions failing when measured against science and history-they turn to drugs or alcohol for a while to fill that void--ultimately most will regain their religion in a more intellectually satisfying mode. I'm not sure it's possible over a long term to have a satisying life with a strongly religious person if you are not-in order to mantain stability you wind up having to role play and lose who you really are.

Answer 8

Oh, girl. Oh I could go on and on. But yes teaching tolerance of other ideas is paramount.

Thinking,
He is very young and impressionable right now, but soon he will become a teen. Most likely sometime he will start to question everything on his own. Lay the foundations of love, and tolerance. You can be there for him then as he seeks what is true about God (and moreso organized religion) and what is not.

email later.

Answer 9

If leaving your husband is not an option ... and perhaps you love him dearly in spite of this disagreement ... then maybe all of you, as a family, should visit other churches until you find one you and hubby are both comfortable with. Not all churches teach their people to be forceful and judgmental -- in fact, the best ones do not. If hubby refuses, then you have some serious thinking to do.

.

Answer 10

...I hope you will accept some suggestions from a "churchy-type" like me.
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...1. I have 3 kids, 14, 16, and 18. If it were one of mine I would politely let them know that expressions of love and service, perhaps with few words, may speak more than forceful words.
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...2. Truth spoken with kindness is also effective.
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...As for your son's choice of books, you know he could do a lot worse - like Steven Spielberg horror stories, ax murderers, and other off-color stuff. I am glad my kids' are filled with Bible verses.