A really dear friend of mine lost her husband in Iraq 3 years ago. She's been dating her boyfriend for just over a year. She had a VERY happy marriage with her deceased hubby. she has no wish to marry again. Her first marriage ended in divorce and her second ended in death. Her boyfriend is nice, steady, handsome, romantic, sexy as you know what, and has proposed to her. They are both VERY successful business owners. So I know it's not about money. Her children love this man to death, and she does to. His family adores her as well. She has no desire to every marry again. Her boyfriend is much different then her late husband, but he makes her extremely happy. She's so afraid of something tragic happening. She's asked for my advice. I don't know what to tell her.Are there any ladies out there in her boat with the same circumstances? IF so I need some help in this case.
2007-11-28 05:50:58 · 27 answers · asked by dietitian4u 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Weddings
LoriDori, It's NOT me that wants him. Im all ready happily married. It's my bff of like 25 years you twit!
2007-11-28 06:02:30 · update #1
I can totally understand why she would not want to get married again. Twice she has had the experience of falling in love with someone and losing her loved one, although under different circumstances. It makes sense that she's feeling very vulnerable and wants to protect herself. That said, this man sounds like he's good for her. My advice to her would be to not rule out marrying him, but perhaps delay the engagement or wedding date until she feels ready.
My beloved dad passed away 4.5 years ago, and it's just been in the last 6 months that my mom even agreed to go on a coffee date with someone. Even then, as nice as her gentleman friend was, she was just not ready to get attached to someone. the death of a partner is extremely difficult, and the healing process takes time. Your friend's husband's death is still recent, raw, and painful; and she's only dated her boyfriend for a year. It's probably still too soon for her, and that's ok. If her boyfriend is ok with it, they should continue to date for a while longer and let her heal some more.
Regardless, I would highly recommend counseling for your friend - with her new partner or by herself.
All the best to you.
2007-11-28 06:40:29 · answer #1 · answered by SE 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
As her friend, all you can do is help her make her own decision & support her when she comes to it. I have to wonder why he would propose to her if it is apparent she has no desire to get married again. Maybe she should take this a bit more slowly. They have only been together for a year & although at the moment, he seems like Mr Perfect, he could change. Perhaps a long engagement is a good compromise, especially if there are children involved. Is the main reason she doesn't want to get married again because both her previous marriages have ended in tragedy & she believes the same will happen again? If so, this is something you could discuss with her. It could be third time lucky. The best advice you can give her is to follow her heart. You can never guarantee that when you get married you will live happily ever after but if he's worth taking the risk with you, as a good friend, by her side, then maybe she should go for it. She could end up spending the rest of her life thinking "What if". Just tell her to be happy as long as her kids are happy too.
2007-11-28 05:58:40 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
She obviously wants some kind of companionship, otherwise she wouldn't even have a boyfriend. I think part of the problem is that she is feeling like it would betray her late husband if she were to marry again or she might not want to compare the two men and if she marries, she feels like she'll be doing that. Just because she had one happy marriage doesn't mean the next one will be unhappy. It takes two people to make a marriage work. If she doesn't want to marry this guy, she shouldn't even be with him in the first place--especially since he has proposed.
2007-11-28 06:42:10 · answer #3 · answered by Damsel 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're a good friend.
I can well understand that she would be leery about marriage since she took a couple of big hits - divorce and a tragic and wasteful death.
Encourage her to seek professional help to get over her fears about marriage. And if Prince Charming is truly the treasure he seems to be he'll go through it with her - or at least support her going through therapy.
And remember, a year of dating isn't really all that long - She has the rest of her life to decide what to do.
So just keep on "being there"
Again, you're a good friend.
2007-11-28 06:11:51 · answer #4 · answered by Barbara B 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I guess I need to first ask if she has expressed these feelings with her now hubby? She needs to tell him her fears on marriage and see how he reacts. He should be understanding of her feelings, but at the same time you can't blame him for wanting to marry her if he really loves her.
I always tell friends of mine who have been in bad relationships or had bad past experiences that "you can't plan your future on the past." If she doesn't marry this man she could pass up something really amazing and regret if for forever. I am a true believer in things happening for a reason. Maybe this is the man she is supposed to be with for the rest of her life. Just because she gets engaged to this man, doesn't mean she has to marry him tomorrow.
Tell your friend that if she truly loves this man with all her heart, tell him that she will accept the engagement but that he has to give her time before getting married. I'm sure he will wait if it's true love.
Tell her good luck and to go with her heart - it never lies.
2007-11-28 06:24:03 · answer #5 · answered by Paula Christine 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her that a man like that doesn't come twice on a lifetime. Tell her that she cannot punish him for what has happen to her in the past as he has nothing to do with her divorce and tragic loss of her husband.
Tell her that is perfectly understandable that she has aprehensions about re-marrying, but if the gloves fits...why not wearing it? If she loves him she should go for it, she's very lucky to have found such a great guy, her kids love him and if she doesn;t snatch him quick, someone else will.
Good luck
2007-11-28 06:13:49 · answer #6 · answered by Blunt 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She will have to decide. If her boyfriend is really set on marrying and she never wants to, then, no matter how much she may love him, she will have to let him go so he can find someone who wants what he wants. If she thinks she may need more time then maybe she can talk to him about that and see what is a reasonable amount of time for him to give her. I'm sure that, given her circumstances, he will be willing to give her time, but she shouldn't take advantage, if marriage isn't what she wants, she needs to tell him and let him move on.
2007-11-28 06:01:11 · answer #7 · answered by Deanrijo 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I can't relate but I can say that the best thing to tell her would be that he knows about her past marriages and he's willing to take the risk because he loves her. She could risk losing a great guy all because of the bottom line, she's scared. She has every reason to be, but it's a risk again, that he's obviously willing to take. Live for today!
2007-11-28 07:27:06 · answer #8 · answered by J90 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Life is a game of chances and risk. If you don't take the risk then you loose the chance to be truly happy even if it is only for a brief amount of time. You can't live your life in fear. Tell her to have the courage to start living it again. It is what her family wants for her and I am sure it is what her deceased husband would want too.
2007-11-28 05:58:32 · answer #9 · answered by mamabee 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
my suggestion (i admit to not reading the others, because i'm being lazy today, so i might be repetative, sorry)
I say if they've only been together for a year, to give the dating thing a little bit more time. Reject this proposal, but definately explain that its not because she doenst love him, she just not sure if shes ready to be in another marriage just yet.. He should be understanding and symphatetic of the situation. shes not saying yes, shes not saying no.... shes saying "not just yet".
This way, she has more time to enjoy her relationship, consider the possibilties, lose her inhabitions aso they can live happily ever after.
Just my suggestion
2007-11-28 06:09:02 · answer #10 · answered by loki_only1 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋