UPDATE: daughter saw something she shouldn't have?

Question

I mentioned a couple of weeks ago how my daughter came home from dads weekend & was telling me in DETAIL how daddy had oral intercourse with his girlfriend -down to the faces she made, and how he moved his head on her body.
She is FOUR YRS OLD. I called CPS & reported. They told me they'd get back w/me. Nothing yet. I called OAG & they told me I did the right thing in reporting it to CPS, but now I have to get an order called "safety plan" in order to keep my daughter from visiting him OR he could take me to jail. CPS hasn't gotten around to my case and OAG says to let her keep going over there. If this was worse (God forbid) & someone was hurting her, I'd STILL have to send her to his house. The system SUCKS!!!
NE ways, my question.... what should I do? Should I continue with this "safety plan" where CPS changes the visitation orders? IF I go forward, CPS would come to my home and interview my daughter, ask her questions about the incedent & I'm afraid of traumatizing her more!

I'm not sure if readers are able to find a link to my initial post on the whole situation. Yes I did call her father & tell her what happened. I was calm & just in shock about the whole thing. I talked with his mom & she gave me the details on the living arrangement...etc.
He denied it all & said "kids have big imaginations, she made it up"
I asked my daugther what happened.. was she asleep, did she see this in a movie or what? and she said "I was next to daddy & I wake up cause of bad dreams, I tell daddy I have bad dreams and he keep kissing Lisa & then yell at me to go back to sleep" then she started to yell at me and show me how he was looking at her and saying to go to sleep and then continued to stick his head between his gf's legs and I asked if she went to sleep after that & she said she just closed her eyes real tight & put the blanket over her head.
That's all she said. she then proceded to get distant &said "I dn't wnt 2 talk about bad things, jst happy thngs"

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AkqNcY1zmFE74.MtxpKnT_vsy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071120140659AANz8Mf

MAMA 2: Thanks for your reply as well as everyone elses replies..
I gave him a toddler bed about a month ago because he said she was sleeping on the floor.. he gave it to his mom to keep at her house instead. So I gave him another toddler bed & I don't know what he did with that, My daughter said he gave it to his son (that he has with his GF)
There is NO man in my home & I just bought a house -so my daughter has her own bedroom...
His own mom told me that she never let my daughter outta her sight until the past 3 visitations & that she'd NEVER let her sleep over there but to pls not stop all visitation.

I'm trying my hardest to do the right thing for my daughter. I never hated this man so it's not like it's "baby momma just creating drama" A dad is VERY impt in a girls life, I always prayed to God to bring him home (from Iraq) & he did so I'd hate to take him out completly, but SOMETHINGS gotta be done!!

THATS how I feel.... we all walked in our parents but if it was that then how did she know ALL those details.. about how she grabbed her boobs and how he was making certain noises and "kissing" her down there (those were my 4 y/o words) & just the things she was saying didn't add up to --an accidental peep..

Answer 1

I would call and HOUND CPS to get something in order, send someone to your house ASAP, that you do not believe it's safe for your daughter to go there!!! For sure... oh my goodness... that is awful!!!

Is there any chance that she maybe seen through a keyhole, or something??? THAT'S JUST DISGUSTING!!!

Answer 2

I'm assuming that OAG is an agency that helps people with custody issues through the court. If not, investigate whether there is a department at the courthouse where you got your original custody order that can walk you through the process for changing your custody arrangement.

Try your best to stick with the safety plan - follow the rules, because the worst case scenario would be if you take action into your own hands, and you actually end up getting into trouble with the court. Nobody is going to send you to jail for violating a custody arrangement, but you could lose credibility, and possibly lose some of your custody rights. On the other hand, if CPS says they'll visit in two weeks, for example, and you chose to keep your daughter with you until CPS could do an interview, I can't imagine that would create too many problems. You could do this in a non-confrontational way - make up a reason why you have to go out of town with your daughter on his weekend or something.

Be extremely persistent with CPS and document every call (i.e. keep a journal where you write down every time you call) - so that later on you can show you were trying to take action. By persistent, I mean call daily. If you make them crazy enough, someone will come out. You are right that your daughter would probably end up being interviewed, but CPS is trained to do this as gently as possible. I personally think it's better to put your daughter through the discomfort of an interview on this subject and protect her from future inappropriate situations at her father's house, than to avoid the discomfort but do nothing about the problems.

And, finally, since your ex's-mother seems like an ally, I would work on ensuring that your daughter spends her nights there.

Answer 3

Keep on CPS and I don't know what OAG is but you should report this to police. It is considered sexual abuse because he is exposing her to sexual acts. I went through something of the sort with my now 5 year old daughter and her father said that she was making it all up. How can a 4 year old make stuff up like that when she has never mentioned anything of the sort beforehand? I took him to Court and fought it for quite awhile to no avail. She was "too young" to testify against him and there wasn't any evidence and the case was dismissed. But she isn't allowed to visit with him without them being at his mother's house. I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. One more question, you said you were divorced? Contact your divorce attorney and get them to bring it back into court to have the visitation temporarily stopped until CPS gets their act together.

Answer 4

i would refuse to let her go on her next visit with that disgusting pig buy yourself some time by saying shes really sick or isn't feeling well or something something needs to be done call the police maybe they can get some sort of order that is just completely unacceptable he knew she was awake and should not have been doing that in front of her and that other woman allowing it to happen to her definitely should have not let that happen either its a shame how grown adults don't know better good luck

Answer 5

It would be one thing if she got up and walked in on them but they were going at it with your daughter in the same bed?!? They thought she'd just sleep thru it or what? She's not an infant in a crib on the other side of the room, she's FOUR! That's just wrong on so man levels.

And even if she did just walk in on them he should have stopped what he was doing, grabbed some cover/pants and taken care of her before even thinking of resuming his, um, activites.

You need to hound CPS and get to the bottom of this.

Answer 6

I read your other ? concerning this matter. If this was my child I would go to the courthouse and speak to the judge who ordered this visitation. I would request that visitation be terminated and a temporary protection order put in place. I would ask that before my daughter be ruturned to weekend visitation with her father that clear plans be set in first first and formost that my daughter have her own room and own bed during visitation with her father. I would even go as far as asking that there not be any further overnite visits. That is very terrable that your daughter had to whitness him and hers sexual relations. Things like that are private moments and you are correct the door should have been closed and locked. Your daughter is young and I dont think that her whitnessing this is going to ruin her life or couse her any long lasting mental ainguish but I would make is perfectly clear that there be no overnite visits if he want to see his daughter he can come and take her to dinner or something else of that nature but until he gets her her own bed and bedroom I would clearly state all overnite visitations be terrminated until your request have been met!

Answer 7

Child Abuse and Children With Disabilities
The new website Child Abuse and Children With Disabilities focuses on interviewing strategies and various types of resources and materials that are currently available on this topic. Videoclips, publications, links, and statewide contacts are accessible to registered users. For more information,


i hope this info helps you & i wiould not every send her over there again thats is just sick for him to do that in front of his little girl i would not deal with cps call the police they will do something about alot quicker than cps
good luck & god bless

Answer 8

have you talked to the ex yet about any of this..... is it possible that the ex and his girlfriend were behind closed doors, in the night when the child was suppose to be sleeping, and maybe the child woke up and spied.....I would get both sides of the story before reporting to cps.... i could be a matter of a nosey child and the father didnt intensionally do something wrong

Answer 9

Where's your lawyer?

Sometimes, kids walk in on things they should not see and are so weirded out (or fascinated) that they don't make a peep. I would not assume that your ex put on some sort of performance for his daughter. I walked in on my parents once when I was about 8. Yes, it is a yucky image I don't wish to revisit, but it did not in any way traumatize me!

Either way, you need to get the custody arrangement altered so that the girlfriend can't be there overnight when your daughter is there (assuming YOU don't have someone living with you, too). I don't think it is good for children to see that it's OK to live with someone you are not married to.

As for CPS, although there are tons of horror stories, most social workers are lovely people who have the best interests of children at heart. They are trained to interview children in a way that will not add to the trauma. Let the social worker know that you are concerned about trauma during the interview and that you want to be in the room. Of course, keep your expression neutral during the interview. Any drama from you will make the situation worse.

Answer 10

Yeah good going for not just calling him and getting to the bottom of it first.

He might have screwed up but what sort of reinforcing do you want to give your child by not allowing access?

You twonk.

Answer 11

sorry i didn't catch you other post earlier,, so my answer might be off, but did she walk in on them, mabe they didn't know she came in the room and does he know she seen him and his girlfriend? have you talked to him about it? i don't mean to play devil's advocate here but , it's hard to hide everything from children,,mabe they thought she was asleep and started to romance,,,,