It's time for the R & P SATs!?

Question

Answer to the best of your ability, and NO CHEATING! Grades will be handed out at my convenience.

(1) Brett Michaels is to bald as __________ is to ___________.

(2) In the year 2031, the band Warrant will be remembered as ______________________.

(3) One dress + one heroin habit + one career based on riding the coat tails of other famous musicians = ?

(4) If you were Nikki Sixx would you have? Or for the ladies, if you were Samantha Maloney would you?

(5) If Chad Kroeger is on a train leaving from Los Angeles en route to New York City and traveling at 250 mph, and Scott Stapp is on a train leaving from New York en route to Los Angeles and traveling at 375 mph, what time will Stapp stop doing cocaine and try to pick up the cocktail waitress, and will he succeed before the trains collide and save rock music for at least a few more years?

(6) Why is Athens cooler than Seattle?
a) REM
b) Drivin N' Cryin'
c) SEC Football
d) all of the above
e) none of the above
f) trick question, Seattle is cooler

(7) If the variable X is how many punches landed and the variable Y is how many stitches he would need, then what is X + Y if Tommy Lee is locked in a room with Kid Rock, Eminem, the members of D12, and all their entourages?

(8) If Jon Bon Jovi wants to be a cowboy so bad, then why does he keep trying to rip off Bruce Springsteen?
a) Richie Sambora doesn't like horses.
b) That saddle horn is really uncomfortable.
c) Three words: broke, back, mountain
d) Tico Torres is keeping his wife hidden in a secret location.
e) He doesn't want to deprive Dave Bryan the joy of singing all of the high notes during the concerts.

(9) If White Lion sucks, then who swallows?

(10) Essay question: Def Leppard - They're neither deaf, nor leoppards. Please explain.

I knew there would be some hosers here that wouldn't get it.

About question #4... Nikki and Donna D'errico just got divorced. Sam Maloney played drums on one Motley Crue tour. Guess why Donna dumped Nikki.

Rckets you got it jacked up.... Nikki f*cked Sam.

ANSWERS ARE POSTED:
(1) Purely subjective, everyone got this one right.

(2) The correct answer, when applying the logic of revisionist history that is sure to take place, is that they'll be remembered as The Spice Girls. However, Bowzer's answer made me laugh, so I'll accept that as well.

(3) Courtney Love was the obvious answer, but everyone should have been able to read my mind and know that I was looking for Scott Weiland. You all failed.

(4) Apparently nobody was famliar with this. When Samantha Maloney filled in for the dearly departed Randy Castillo on the New Tattoo tour, she and Nikki eneded up f*cking, prompting Nikki's ex, Donna D'errico to file for divorce.

(5) I didn't even bother to do the math, and I don't really care. You all get points for agreeing that this needs to happen.

(6) C'mon people... Athens is waaaaaay cooler, but the correct answer is e) none of the above. Athens is cooler because it doesn't rain 300 days a year.

(7) Trick question, Tommy wouldn't need stitches and no punches would be thrown. Everyone else would be too busy laughing at him while he p*ssed himself and cowered in the corner while crying for somebody to come and save him.

(8) The correct answer is (e) but what Jon doesn't know is that both Dave and Richie are sick of carrying his a$$ and they are secretly plotting to trick Tico into murdering him on the tour bus. They'll then blame the hole thing on Alec John Such.

(9) The correct answer was Amy Lee of Evanescence. What, you mean to tell me you don't think she's been on her knees more than a few times?

(10) Any effort to answer this received a passing grade.

Answer 1

(1) Brett Michaels is to bald as...

...Courtney Love is to responsible motherhood. "I wanted my daughter to be a heroine, so I kept doing the stuff while I was pregnant", said Ms Love, effortlessly combining faulty logic and faulty spelling.


(2) In the year 2031, the band Warrant will be remembered as being...

...ironically named after the legal document that led to the search and seizure of 23 full-length wigs from their dressing room in the year 2010. These wigs were later found to be made of hair from several highly endangered species, including Steven Tyler.


(3) One dress + one heroin habit + one career based on riding the coat tails of other famous musicians =

A: Damn, I've already said Courtney Love, so I'm picking David Bowie this time.


(4) If you were Nikki Sixx would you have? Or for the ladies, if you were Samantha Maloney would you?

A: ¿Qué????


(5) If Chad Kroeger is on a train leaving from Los Angeles en route to New York City and traveling at 250 mph, and Scott Stapp is on a train leaving from New York en route to Los Angeles and traveling at 375 mph, what time will Stapp stop doing cocaine and try to pick up the cocktail waitress, and will he succeed before the trains collide and save rock music for at least a few more years?

A: The word "collide" is all that matters here, frankly.

Mathematically, however, the answer is both trains explode in a giant fireball at 10.34pm EST, just after Scott uses his predictable "I'd love to see you with more than just your arms wide open" chat-up line on the waitress, and Chad glances up from reading "Musical Integrity Removal For Dummies Who Also Happen To Be Rock Stars" to see his life flashing before his eyes. (It's a short but repetitive flashback (like most of his songs are), consisting of him writing the same song over and over again.)

Please tell both drivers not to slow down in any circumstances.


(6) Why is Athens cooler than Seattle?
a) REM
b) Drivin N' Cryin'
c) SEC Football
d) all of the above
e) none of the above
f) trick question, Seattle is cooler by an average of 11.4 degrees year-round, but global warming will fix that eventually.


(7) If the variable X is how many punches landed and the variable Y is how many stitches he would need, then what is X + Y if Tommy Lee is locked in a room with Kid Rock, Eminem, the members of D12, and all their entourages?

A: 28,789, unless Kid Rock has been left alone with his "happy powder" prior to the fracas, in which case 26,766, due to impaired accuracy.


(8) If Jon Bon Jovi wants to be a cowboy so bad, then why does he keep trying to rip off Bruce Springsteen?
a) Richie Sambora doesn't like horses.
b) That saddle horn is really uncomfortable.
c) Three words: broke, back, mountain
d) Tico Torres is keeping his wife hidden in a secret location.
e) He doesn't want to deprive Dave Bryan the joy of singing all of the high notes during the concerts.

A: The answer is "c", of course. I'm relieved that in this whole SAT test, I know I have at least one right answer. Phew.


(9) If White Lion sucks, then who swallows?

A: Let's just say you don't what to know how Whitesnake got their name.


(10) Essay question: Def Leppard - They're neither deaf, nor leopards. Please explain.

A: (Hmmmmmmmmm...I will come back to this one after reading over Sookie's shoulder to copy her answer. School's brutal like that...)


EDIT: Sookie, you're doing better than me, I've flunked this test 12 times already. One more and I'll be sent back to Level 1 in disgrace...

Answer 2

Answer to the best of your ability, and NO CHEATING! Grades will be handed out at my convenience.

(1) Brett Michaels is to bald as rock is to good music.

(2) In the year 2031, the band Warrant will be remembered as a classic 80s band.

(3) One dress + one heroin habit + one career based on riding the coat tails of other famous musicians = courtney love.

(4) If you were Nikki Sixx would you have? Or for the ladies, if you were Samantha Maloney would you? Without a second thought.

(5) If Chad Kroeger is on a train leaving from Los Angeles en route to New York City and traveling at 250 mph, and Scott Stapp is on a train leaving from New York en route to Los Angeles and traveling at 375 mph, what time will Stapp stop doing cocaine and try to pick up the cocktail waitress, and will he succeed before the trains collide and save rock music for at least a few more years? Impossible.

(6) Why is Athens cooler than Seattle?
a) REM
b) Drivin N' Cryin'
c) SEC Football
d) all of the above
e) none of the above
f) trick question, Seattle is cooler

F

(7) If the variable X is how many punches landed and the variable Y is how many stitches he would need, then what is X + Y if Tommy Lee is locked in a room with Kid Rock, Eminem, the members of D12, and all their entourages? 482,964374,384593.

(8) If Jon Bon Jovi wants to be a cowboy so bad, then why does he keep trying to rip off Bruce Springsteen?
a) Richie Sambora doesn't like horses.
b) That saddle horn is really uncomfortable.
c) Three words: broke, back, mountain
d) Tico Torres is keeping his wife hidden in a secret location.
e) He doesn't want to deprive Dave Bryan the joy of singing all of the high notes during the concerts.

c!

(9) If White Lion sucks, then who swallows?
The wolf, he's really hungry.

(10) Essay question: Def Leppard - They're neither deaf, nor leoppards. Please explain.

Something about them actually wanting to be called Deaf Leopard but they didn't want to be just another nameless animal band, so they mixed up the spellling lol.

Awesome question!

Answer 3

1. Barry Bonds, steroids
2. the latest ad campaign for Crisco
3. Courtney Love
4. Question 4 needs some clarification, not sure what you're looking for.
5. So long as the trains do collide, all will be well. Scott Stapp is pretty much an afterthought. Chad is the one who really needs to go.
6. F with a bullet
7. You would need that geek who has the record for computing the most digits for Pi.
8. What else would you expect from a bunch of ******* from NJ? Not like they know many real cowboys. Answer is C.
9. Poison
10. Def as in skilled perhaps. Can't speak as to the second part.

EDIT - OK, got it. No, Sam Maloney is nothing special.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Image:Samantha_Maloney.jpg

Answer 4

1) Britney Spears -- a media-whore.

(2) I call trick question!

(3) Courtney Love.

(4) Huh?

(5) 12:15, and of course not. Just because she's a cocktail waitress doesn't mean she's brainless. :)

(6) Why is Athens cooler than Seattle? - F


(7) I'm going to go with 42. After all, it's the meaning of life, the universe and everything else.

(8) If Jon Bon Jovi wants to be a cowboy so bad, then why does he keep trying to rip off Bruce Springsteen? - A

(9) If White Lion sucks, then who swallows? - Wow. A lot of choices here....Will you accept Fall Out Boy?

(10) Essay question: Def Leppard - They're neither deaf, nor leoppards. Please explain.

Umm....Def, in the hip-hop sense is a compliment, right? so they're really cool members of, umm.......A GANG! Yeah. That's it!

Answer 5

If I knew there was a test today I would've studyed geez

1)Scott Weiland is to Rehab

2) The band that sang Cherry Pie

3) Courty Love

4) Had that wicked Heroin Addiction

5) The Trains will collide in St. Louis NOT giving Scott Stapp Enough time to recover from the earlier cocaine and pick up the Waitress

wait there's more

(6) F

(7) since Y is a direct result of X ....Y=X x 5 therefor x = 1000 y = 5000

(8) c

(9) Hole

(10) only a deaf leopard can listen to their music seriously

Answer 6

1 Jani Lane is to Fatness
2 What the deputy shows You before You are arrested
3 Courney Love, in all Her drunken splendor
4 Fantastically bad Bass skills?
5 Stapp ODed en route, necessitating a Train stoppage. Thus preventing the collision and unfortunately leaving Kroeger free to inflict more suffering upon the human population's auditory organs.
6 Trick question
7 4 to the Nth power
8 C Broke Back Mountain
9 Firehouse
10
Def Leppard played a concert in Cincinnatti. Their music was so incredibly MOR yet loud that the Leopard Trainer at the Cincinnatti zoo sued them for making Him go Deaf.

Answer 7

1. I haven't seen Brett Michaels in a while, but tell me that an appropriate answer could be Kid Rock/Suck

3. Dave Grohl (edit, oh yeah, Courtney Love, duh. Did Grohl ever have a habit cause it could still work?)

5. Fortunately, what the question doesn't cover is that someone totally sold Stapp bunk coke, as Stapp is a fool it took him about 2 hours to notice this and luckily for fate he hit on the one cocktail waitress awesome enough to instantly come up with a plan to faux seduce him, steal his pants and innevitably have him chase her pantsless through the train. She sees Kroeger's train coming head on and is lucky enough to escape unscathed. Scott Stapp dies in the catastrophic head on crash with people pointing and laughing at him. The time is 7:16 pm.

6. Personally, as much as I love R.E.M. and the B-52s I would have to go with f. I'm a pac-10 guy and I love me some Seattle.

7. 42

9. David Coverdale

Answer 8

1) New "punk", $hit
2) -trick question, they won't be remembered-
3) Courtney Love
4) -would I have what?; incomplete question-
5) Stapp won't stop doing coke, won't hook up, and the trains will... what was that crash?
6) g) none of the above options are applicable
7) 666 (yes, quite the bloodbath)
8) -who gives a $hit?-
9) White Lion swallows as well
10) -F**k writing an essay!-

BTW... I don't give a rat's @$$ about my grade!

Answer 9

Jon Bon Jovi is to Hair
Warrant - in 2031, they won't be remembered!
Courtney Love
4) Anybody he wants
5) Poor Omaha!
6) SEC football

Answer 10

I didn't study!!!

1. MCR is to self-indulgent.
2. the "Cherry Pie" guys.
3. Courtney Love
4. Ummm, no.
5. Cocaine? Trains? "Casey Jones" is going though my head...

Hang on - I couldn't see the rest...

6. F
7. 23
8. E
9. Mr. Big (sorry)

Edit: I forgot the essay question! Do I get points taken off for that? You know I'm not going to knock early Leppard, but their more recent stuff...yikes.

Bowzer - LOL...are you sure you want to copy off of mine? I'm certainly not at the top of the class!