how do you not feel jealous of those who have a life,& have happiness & all the things you dont have ?

Question

you see people with big, wide grins....living their lives, getting their needs met, indulging in fullfilling relationships...careers....nice homes...loving partners a good jobs.....a healthy sex life etc.

and on the flip side theres me who:

has borderline personality disorder, is 30 years old....has endured a life time of trauma....suffered bullying, victimization.....has never been employed....never gained qualifications....never had a steady relationship....are stigmatized and labelled because of my disorder.....like certain people wont touch me....live alone in a one bedroomed flat....at huge disadvantages in life....have noone to turn to except my mum...have no direction....a mental record and a petty criminal one..
so because of that ill be outcasted, and my hopes and dreams of a better life, with a good job & my own home, living by the coast will remain fantasies forever.....because in my situation, itll be impossible to achieve

and most people on myspace when you browse seem to have them ' happy ' wide' grins that im talking of.

i feel very bitter, jealous

JR: im not happy with what i got and i wont accept it--so i disaggree

Nolean S : no you didnt help

all beautifull answers....i really didnt feel i could pick a best one godbless you

Answer 1

Let me tell you, I KNOW it is so hard to climb out of a hole like that. You sound like you've had a hard life and you're depressed about it. It's familiar to me.

But I want you to know that it is possible to be happier. It takes time and patience with yourself, but if you keep your goal in sight and take it a little step at a time, it can get better. Make your goals small at first.

First if you don't already have one, you should reach out to a therapist or counselor. The stigma attached to this was hard to overcome for me, but I will always be so happy I did. If you already have one but aren't happy with them or don't feel like they're helping, find a new one. It's just like having a doctor who isn't curing you. Keep looking till you find someone you feel comfortable with and trust.

A good next step is to dedicate some of your time to helping other people. Volunteering, you know. Serving meals at a homeless kitchen, teaching English to immigrants, even cleaning up a littered shoreline. Find volunteer opportunities where you'll be working with other people. I can assure you, volunteers are so sorely needed that they are overjoyed to get any help. I imagine that is especially true right now, around the holidays!

Start reminding yourself of your positive traits. You appear to be educated and you write well, that's a start. I'm sure there are things you are good at and positive qualities to your personality. Are you caring? Good with animals? A good listener? Do you make things - models, food, or anything else? These are all things that you should be proud of.

If it is easier for you, try getting to know people online instead of in person. They don't know the first thing about you so you can start developing your confidence in relationships and friendships, and get more comfortable with having conversations with people.

Your past and your problems ARE NOT going to make your dreams impossible. What makes it impossible is you saying that. It is truly a self-fulfilling prophecy. Granted, you will have to work ten times harder than the average joe to achieve those things, but if you are resolute, you can overcome it all.

Let's break down your concerns:

Borderline personality disorder - counselling and a positive outlook will help that. You might also consider consulting a doctor if you think medications will help.

Trauma, bullying, victimization - a good counsellor will help you to put these into perspective and overcome them and put them behind you so that you don't still feel the pain from them.

Never been employed, never gained qualifications - it is never too late to start. There are plenty of entry-level jobs that you can do and learn as you go. I worked for a short time at a factory that makes lawn-mower engines. I didn't know the first thing about them or how to do it - they trained me and I quickly was good enough to train other new people! If you have a hard time getting a foot in the door, go to a temporary placement agency or employment agency and express to them your desire to get a job and be a good employee. They'll help you. I know plenty of very wealty people who started out that way and worked their way up to a foreman or factory boss - those jobs are great - union jobs, good hours, good pay.

never had a steady relationship. This is one of the harder things to manifest. But I think you can do it! Like I said, start online, heck, you might even meet a future spouse or at least friend. Volunteering will not only help you get your mind off things and see that other people suffer too, but you'll meet good, kind people there who can at least be your friend and might help you meet more friends... You might make friends through work, once you get started there. and all these friends may eventually lead to dates too!!

live alone - consider this a good point! You're not living with your mom, you're not in a group home, these are GOOD things!

no one to turn to but your mom - At least you have her. Tell her about your new plans, and your new goals. If she is supportive, she may be your best ally! If she is in any way negative, take that as a challenge to prove her wrong. You can do this!

Mental and criminal record - these are things that can be overcome. You just have to prove to people that you want to by being consistant, kind and determined.

Your house by the coast maybe be a long way off but it is there if you work day by day, year by year. It's the only way - that's how CEOs get where they are (usually) and it's how people like you who have hard lives make their way to something better. Be patient with yourself and kind to yourself. Make a habit of reminding yourself of the good stuff - do it many times a day. If someone complements you (no matter how small the complement), write it down and let it make you proud. These sorts of things will give you the strength to achieve your goals.

Good luck and my heart is with you!

Answer 2

In my work, I have clients that "seem" to have it all. Big home, new cars, built in pools, horses, money to burn. But what I don't see is true happiness. I see only what money can buy. The husband's working overtime to fill the spending need of the wife. The kids are uptight because of the expectations they have to live up to. I used to be sooo jealous, but no longer, believe me. I didn't even buy my first home till I was 40. I suffered with anxiety/depression since I was a kid and never got meds till a few years ago. I would LOVE to live by the ocean, but it's too expensive and I think the fog would just depress me day in and day out. Smiling all the time takes WORK! I started my fake smiling because I heard it took years off your age! ha..serious. And after awhile it became easy and unphony.And I had the meds to help with my seratonin problem that had me feelin' sad and nervious 24/7.I wonder how therapy is going to help you without helping the chemical imbalance you obviously have too. When I went to a psychologist, she said studies prove that hashing and rehashing past and present problems does little or no good. Ya know, you are definitely a smart kid and I can see positive changes in the way you write lately. I can't put my finger on it, but I'm pretty savvy when it comes to reading people. So what if you have a mental and petty criminal record. I do too. But it can't be who you are. Your'e only 30, and the best is yet to be my friend.........Cyberspace hugs to you!!!!!!!!

Answer 3

I can't be jealous - I think that such people does not exist... I am glad to see people smiling, it is good, it should make us happy to see them, but most of the time the wide grins does not mean happiness... Everybody have problems and worries all the time more or less. But the problem in my opinion is that people do not enjoy the moments of happiness in their lives, because of those same problems and worries, sometimes just don't notice them until they're gone.
As for your situation, if you can don't loose hope of better life, you never know what is coming your way!

Answer 4

Hey dude,
The last time I felt jealousy it made me so sickened at my own self that I decided 'that the green monster' was not for me.
Before I found out that my husband had been sleeping with my ten year younger cousin in my basement for three months, while I was upstairs caring for our two children mind you... I never felt jealous, I loved both of them more than anyone in my life, thus you can imagine the extremely high level of trust.
On Christmas Eve 2001 while my poor babies were waiting to open presents the idiot decided to start a fight with me. The goal was actually to give me my best Christmas present ever, the news of what both of the idiots had been doing behind my back. My poor children...
Anyway, after ten or so years of physical abuse given to me - I can not even explain the fury in my soul at the news of their affair. Since he is so tall, and I was soooo mad, I 'WANTED for the very first time to hit him!'
I actually pulled up a chair called him something I can't repeat and coldcocked the 'mmreffr'. It didn't quite do it for me so I got back up on the chair and did it again. That is when he choked me to the point of losing consciousness.

Moral of the story - I realized that I had lowered myself to HIS level and was behaving like the moron I had come to hate.
Also, IT IS in fact on of the seven deadly sins, even if you are not religious you have to think about why that list was made, it has validity.

Nobody in my life will ever be worth me turning into the horrible and hateful, sick, twisted, jerk I was so long a prisoner of.

I hope this helps you,
it was my eye-opener.

Answer 5

Not everyone with 'big, wide grins' are happy. If you only saw the me most people see you would think I'm happy. I mean heck, my smile and my lack of giving personal info fooled my councelor, for a long time, into thinking I only had light depression...
The thing is I also have BPD... it has caused me not to trust people, to hate life, to have serious depression for most of my life, and other things.
At times I feel outraged about how I have to live with this hell, having to battle my own mind every day...
My disorder is very much a secret, those who know anything just basicly know I have depression that has to be treated with medication.
It could be worse... talk to your mom and ask her what your strengths are... write them down, heck send them here to yahoo answers and ask what you could do with them... Everyone has their place in life... find yours, that will make you happy.

Answer 6

From what I got from your question, your definition of happy was living on your own in a nice house on the coast, with a good job, and a decent relationship. People that you may perceive to have it all, may in fact not. Just because one has lots in the way of material possessions does not make them happy. Even the person who seems to have the perfect sex life with their husband and wonderful children may not be happy. Happiness is fleating. Happiness is a good cup of coffee and a donut. Your circumstances may determine your mood, but joy is lasting .The ONLY way to have true joy is through Jesus Christ. May I suggest praying, reading the book of Romans in the New Testiment as a start, and looking to Christ for true satisfaction. He is the one true and only sustainer. :-) Trust me on this. Because afterall, people will let you down. And eventually everyone will die. We only get one chance at this life. It's the next we should be concerned about. No one will remember the guy who had the cool toys and nice house 40 years from now. It just doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. But Christ does. Know Him. :-)

Answer 7

Look if I felt jealous of people who have what I don't, I would feel resentment all the time. Life is to short, if I want something I go for it. If I sit here at home and thought about how bad I have it, it will only grow soon be to big for me to handle. You make your own life, you can not expect others to hand it to you. I have four members of my family with bipolar disorder, we live with it. This is your life, live it.

Answer 8

Well, I've always thought that the secret to lessening jealousy is to try to do the best that you can in every situation. I know it sounds easy but just try. I am sorry that you feel isolated and alone. Is there any hobbies that you like to do? You may want to pick up a hobby such as candle-makin, soapmaking or basketmaking and you can sell your items on the internet. Do you have any pets? If not, you may be able to go to the animal shelter and adopt a dog or two. They say dogs are mans best friend and it may help you to have a dog around. Have you ever considered joining a support group for people with similar problems? You should try that because that opens the door to friendships.

Answer 9

You can't see into other peoples minds or into their private lives, often their smiles are just masks.
You are totally negative so that's what you'll attract!
A child dies in this world every 3 minutes of starvation, and you're moaning about "poor me"
Death is the certain leveller!
Some of the richest and most beautiful people have died young, would you like to change places!
Be thankful for what you have got, be positive, and you will attract positive things, or, continue with the "poor me" and spend your existence in jealousy and poverty.
The choice is yours....................... it always has been!

Answer 10

Suffer from mild depression due to injuries sustained at work before I was an ill-health retired. Count my blessings, have a wealth of happiness and bickering children in my life. Their bickering helps me appreciate my settled life. Love my wife, love my kids and step kids, though they bug me. Love my dogs, Boston and Ruby. The pain gets me down. St John's Wort helps.