Right thing to do or most foolish mistake of my life? Part 2?

Question

For Part 1, go here.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=Apocq6iGkO.wgqrgQO70ED_sy6IX;_ylv=3?qid=20071128005959AAjUpBs

Thank you to those who answered the first part of my question. I figured it would be this way. I definitely made the most foolish mistake of my life. Now to add to the foolishness.

A friend of mine who was never meant to be told I was dead was told just that by my father who was helping me carry out option 2. I have to say he was helping me only under duress. He has never agreed with what I have done. Anyway, when my friend found out, he also found out that my fiancee had done exactly as I hoped she would do and had moved on with her life. She had found someone else. My friend thought it too soon and said some horrible things to her and unknown to me (my father kept this from me till recently) has been harassing her. A couple of weeks ago this friend found out my 'death' was a lie. He apparently told my fiancee. (cont.)

I have received an email from him setting out what he has told her. I wont repeat it, it was a twisted version of what happened, but needless to say my ex-fiancee now hates me with a passion, believing our entire time together was either just a con or some cruel joke. She believes I never loved her and never planned to marry her. I can tell you that could not be further from the truth. I did and still do love her more than life itself and wanted to marry her.

I now ask, do I try and explain what I did or do I leave her be. I'm inclined to leave her be. She already hates me, maybe it's for the best. But as I seem to be capable of doing nothing except hurting the woman I love, as I have already made such foolish mistakes, I don't trust my decisions.

Answer 1

Although I always value RedQueen's opinion very highly, this time I disagree with her on a little part of her answer.

Your ex-fiancee is a very strong girl, with a very logic head on her shoulders. Of course this is a bit too much for her to handle now. And sorry to say, of course she hates you right now. If the situation were reversed, I'm sure you'd feel that same hate.

Thin line between love and hate, ya know?

The thing is, you've presented her with an enormous dilemma. In 18 months, you'll be gone. Maybe even sooner. Which means she will grieve again, no matter how much she hates you now, of course she will grieve again.

Her options now are: does she forgive you while you're still alive, or can she only forgive you after that. Problem with the latter is that she has no option then to let you know, which will cause huge guilt on her. (I hope I'm making sense here).

I know she hasn't heard the story completely yet, not your version at least. But if you write her that letter, at this point she just won't believe you. Trust after a huge lie, is a difficult thing. So, she won't forgive you right now. But in her best interest I would want her to find forgiveness for you before you are gone. Like I said: after that it will only cause huge feelings of guilt.

I'd suggest finding an intermediate first. Somebody that she trusts, and ask him/her to talk to her. Simply to explain the story, but also to let her talk, scream and shout angrily about you. I'm sure she needs an ear right now too. I don't know if you have any real life friends that both you and her trust. If not, I'd suggest asking RedQueen. I'm sure she'd do an excellent job at that.

Russell, yes, you majorly screwed up. But you did it with a good heart. I remember the mourning, the pain, the agony that your ex-fiancee felt. Heck, even I felt a little of it.

And this may sound like a weird thing to say, but I'll say it anyway: I'm glad you're still alive.

Answer 2

I answered your last question by telling you to leave her be, and I recommend the same course of action now.

You owe her an apology, and you owe it to her to allow her to move on with her life. Send her a letter telling her how sorry you are, wish her well, and let her go. This chapter in your life is over, it can't be re-written.

Allow her the opportunity to heal. This has all been a terrible blow to her.

Edit: May I suggest that you stop beating yourself for something that is in the past? No good will come from it, so forgive yourself, focus on the remainder of time you have left, and put this all behind you. Accept the fact that you did the best you could, and move on.

EDit 2: I would listen to Pangel. She gave you marvelous advice.

EDIT 3: After reading Markyyy's advice, I have to say that it's excellent. I also have to add that I, too, am glad you are still with us. I'm sure everyone here is.

What none of us seem to be suggesting, and what I've been contemplating, is this: Why not simply allow the remaining decisions to be made by your former(?) fiance? She was thrust into a difficult situation through no fault of her own, so the choice on how to proceed should really be hers.

Answer 3

On the one hand, you were trying to do what you thought was best for your fiance. On the other hand, you royally messed up in doing so.

Here's why -- you didn't trust that she was strong enough to handle the trauma.

--You took any decision making about this away from her.

--You lied to the one you professed to love, and you included other people in your lie to her.

--You denied her the opportunity to show you how strong her love is for you.

I think you should just write the girl a letter, telling her what happened, and tell her how horrible a person you are for messing up so badly -- but you really thought it was the right thing to do at the time. You can tell her you still want to marry her, if she wants to marry you.

This way, you are putting all the decisions on her, giving her all the power, just for a time, but you have to commit to (a) whatever you write in the letter, and (b) whatever she decides to do, even if you don't like it.

Look - everyone messes up big time at some point in their life, and you've had some stress on you, as well. You made some bad decisions. Going forward, you can do better. It may or may not be too late to save the relationship, but that is something you will just have to explore and/or accept.

Answer 4

((((RUSS)))))

I have read both parts now sweetheart
and this is a very awkward position that you have found yourself in
I agree wholeheartedly with Red Queen ( she is very wise )
and it is time to let it go ..... for both of you
what is done is done and cant be changed
but you have to let her get on now ... and even if she does so with any resentment for you , in a way this may be a good thing
you wanted her to heal , to get over you , to be able to let you go....
now she can do so
and this is probably the most selfless thing you can do now , is to let her doing so even if it means she hates you

I think in time ... she will come to understand the reasons you done things as you did though and her hate wont last forever

may I make a suggestion though
that if you can arrange it .... in years to come , when she has healed , when you are sadly no longer here
that you have a letter written and have someone give it to her
it may bring you both peace of mind

(((HUGS)))
please take care Russ and make each day peaceful xx

edit
I just noticed Red Queen suggesting the letter also

Answer 5

if i were her, i'd want the truth. period. i understand your reasons for doing what you did but, you have to understand, that women think differently than men. that's a fact. perhaps your dad could help ease the way for you since she's s angry.
was there no service for your "untimely demise"?did she not question things?

Answer 6

Very simply you leave her alone.. She knows you are alive and if she wants to contact you she will...

What you did was indeed foolish don't compound your foolishness by intruding on her life due to your guilt...

Answer 7

Listen to Markyyy. He speaks wisely. I should know.

Answer 8

The truth works.
Write it all out for her. Explain all.