Right thing to do or most foolish mistake of my life?

Question

Please bear with me as this will probably be fairly lengthy. I sort of asked this question before but due to the answers either I didn't give enough detail or ( as I'm starting to believe) I made the most foolish decision of my life. I know some will say this doesn't belong here but it was either here or Philosophy and I feel this can only be answered from the heart, not the mind.

Up until 6 months ago I was engaged to the most wonderful woman I have ever met. Due to circumstances we were separated by a great distance. Different continents to be precise. In 2002, before we met, I had a brush with skin cancer. I had a few melanomas removed and was required to have 3monthly checkups. After 12 months that became annual. 2 years later bi-annual. They must have missed something at the last annual as at my first bi-annual in Feb 2007 they discovered I had metastatic melanoma. I was given 12 to 18 months to live. I was faced with 2 options. (cont.)

My fiancee was at a crucial time in her life. She was soon to graduate from college and already had a very good job lined up.
Option 1. I could tell her about my illness and knowing her she would have put everything else on hold and been on the next flight out here. We would have spent the next 18 months together, but she would have been forced to endure my declining health and eventual death. At the end she wouldn't have had her degree nor her job. She suffers from a chronic illness that will be with her for the rest of her life. The job would have ensured she was able to take care of herself financially regardless of what happened with her health. So she would have 18 months of pain and heartbreak and end up alone and peniless.

Option 2. I could arrange for my fiancee to be led to believe I had died suddenly in an auto accident. She would have been grief stricken, heartbroken and in pain, but she could finish college, begin her new job and move on with her life. (cont.)

The end result would be the same. To her I'm dead, but in option 1 she suffers 18 months of hell. In option 2 it is over quickly, she grieves and still has a good future ahead of her.

I chose option 2. I would like to hear what others have to say. At the end of it I have a part 2 of this question. I guarantee it will be much shorter. :)

As I thought, by the time I finished it had dropped too far down to get many answers. I'll give it 24 hours and then ask part 2 of the question. :/

questions.everything -believe me when i say I researched thoroughly. The chances of me being here for Christmas 2009 are almost indistinguishable from zero.

Thanks for the tip Markyy. Was that enough y's? I'll remember next time. It was rather spur of the moment that I decided to ask the question. I'm taking a chance as she was a regular her in R&S but hasn't been back since my 'accident'. I thought it worth the risk.

For anyone interested in just how stupid I am, here's the link to Part 2.

http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20071128061500AAlZGVt&r=w

Answer 1

I know exactly who you are talking about. She was devastated when she learned of your *death* and she posted a notice here, explaining what had happened and saying her goodbyes. She received 84 replies and almost as many stars before Yahoo! deleted her. I won't notify her --your secret is safe with me.

Your actions were noble and completely selfless. Rather than dwell on your own painful circumstances, you chose to put your fiance's welfare first. I commend you for this. Before you act on any of our suggestions, please consider a few things.

You faked your death in order to better *her* life. Having lost a fiance to suicide many years ago, I can tell you that, although devastating, life goes on. After 6 months, she has probably begun to heal enough that her life is taking a more positive outlook. Isn't that what you hoped to accomplish? For her to have a solid, stable future? To come back into her life now will only complicate things, especially if she has moved on, and found someone else who cares.

Her memories of you are very loving. If you choose to tell her what you did, she may end up feeling betrayed and hating you. Do you want those to be the images she carries for the rest of her life?

She has already grieved for you. Do you really want to make her bury you again?

She just may forgive you completely for this, and hop on the next plane to Australia, putting her own future on hold. Isn't that what you had hoped to avoid in the first place?

There are so many questions, so many ways of looking at this, and no real answers. You acted from the heart, so it's my suggestion that you continue to do so, keep her best interests in mind, and let her go. This is all behind her now, and if you love her as you claim to, you won't bring anymore pain into her life.

I'm very sorry for your diagnosis, and what you are going through. I understand that you want to tie up all lose ends before it's too late, but this chapter in your life is already finished. Time now to let it go.

((((((((((Russ))))))))))

Answer 2

Although I do not like your odds, there is a real chance that you could have a long life. Spontaneous remission in advanced melanoma is rare, but not wildly rare. What happens if you live?

What happens if 5 or 10 years from now, you run into her? The lie and the hurt are renewed for both of you.

Your goal was to be noble, but you can't do that with lies. You have to address the fact that your reasoning may be off because of your bad news -- bad enough that you may even be depressed. Ideally you should have chose 1.

It's too late. You chose 2. Now you have a different dilemma. You can end the lie or play it out. Only you can determine the path that does the least harm. You need to do a lot of introspection, quickly. Talk to someone who can keep you rational and help you figure out your motivations. You have to use your best judgment to find a course of action that considers all the possible outcomes. This is tough with the level of conflicting emotions involved.

Answer 3

You said that up until 6 months ago you were engaged. I assume that means that you are now NOT engaged?
I think you should just not tell her at all. Eventually the time will come that you are so ill that it will be impossible for you to hide the fact from her, but at least then she will have continued in her studies, and will have less disruption when she decides to come be with you. You may also outlive the estimated time the doctors gave you. These are always educated guesses, based on averages - plenty of people outlive them by years.
If you care about her future as much as you say, I think you should just continue with life as you are right now. When the time comes that she must know, then she can make some decisions then, but since she has her whole life ahead of her, she deserves the best chance of achieving what she needs to to be secure in the future.
Being with her for a longer time during your declining illness will also possibly draw her much closer to you emotionally, which is quite unfair considering that the relationship can only be of a short duration. I would think it would be quite difficult to see her suffering while watching your health slip away.
Personally, I'd prefer to suffer on my own than draw those I care about into the downward spiral any sooner than necessary.
Sorry if I sound matter of fact - I'm trying to answer your question logically. Your situtation is very unfortunate indeed.

Answer 4

I'm smart enough to know I have to come back after you finish editing your question.

Okay- Let me start off by saying that this whole thing stinks. I'm sorry you got dealt this- it sucks high and low.

Here's the deal.

If she's the type to fly over immediately if she finds you're ill, she's the kind that will fly over immediately when she finds you've been killed. I'll tell you here and now that she will find out if you fake being dead. I don't care how cool or how good you think you are at this cloak and dagger BS but I'll tell you that theres gonna be a whole lot of things that smell funny and dont add up. Say she buys it for a month but then wonders... and hires a PI and you've had it. You'll wish you'd have been killed in an accident when you see the look in her eyes as she confronts you.

You need to tell her as gently as you can what's going on and make arrangements rationally. There are many different ways that this could go and if you two put your heads together then you can probably come up with a soultion that's better than the options you're looking at based on your own shortsightedness.

While your motivations to select the car acccident option are noble, you must understand that doing the "wrong thing for the right reasons" is ALWAYS bad. You don't wanna go out like that.

Be right with the woman you love. Remember, she's gonna love you- forever. She deserves the truth and she deserves it now.

Answer 5

Ok, first of I'm truly sorry that you are having to go through this, it truly is very sad, but lets say the roles were reversed, if your fiance was the one in your situation,what would you want her to do?
Would you want her to plan the so called accident senario?How would you feel if she did that to you if you found out? If you truly love her , don't you think she has a right to know, you cannot save her the devasation whichever way you chose to play, but is playing with her emotions a loving thing on your part?Don't you think she deserves the right to chose, what she wants to do? She may want to spend as much time with you as she can! I really don't think you're playing fair, be honest with her and let her make the decision of what she wants to do, give her the opportunity of spending the time with you that you have left, if she wants to. you may be setting her up to more heartache than you think you'll prevent,besides you may live much longer than you were told, I have heard many people live much longer than they were supposed to according to their doctors . Yes I think you are making a big mistake you want her to remember you fondly don't you?Or do you want her to end up more pained?

Answer 6

option 1

what if you live? & don't die in 18 mos?

are you going to stage a "coming back from the dead" or carry on as "killed in a car crash" & just hope she never finds you on myspace or even walmart?

i would take my chances & tell her the diagnosis...

& even if you did get away with the car crash fiasco... still, she could have had time to prepare for your ultimate departure & lying & making up a very traumatic death for yourself just seems a little on the cruel side...

from my perspective, imagining if my partner were to present me option 1 vs option 2, i would totally take option 1...

in this case truth should prevail...



at any rate, i wish you the best in your recovery / or i wish you a very peaceful next 18 months, however it goes for you...

Answer 7

Do you think that she deserves to be the one to decide what she's going to do with her own life? If she wants to squander her education, career, and livelihood so that she can spend the little time you have left with you, then that's her choice. You can't hold yourself responsible for her choices, but you are responsible for misleading her if you go with option #2.

And who's to say that option #2 will undoubtedly work? What if she shows up for the funeral? What if she stays in touch with your family? How much more will she be hurt if she finds out the truth one day? Is that really showing her that you love her? Is that respecting her?

Answer 8

Call her. Now. Really.

I know your intentions were good, and I'm sure she'll understand that, in the end. But you don't stage your own death to protect her, no matter how good your intentions are.

It's insulting to her. She deserves to know, and she deserves to be able to make her own choices in all this.

Again, I can see your good intentions, that's why I hope I'm not too harsh with this answer. But, call her. Now.


(Tip for such long questions: type it in a Notepad first, then copy/paste part two into the 'additional details' right after you posted the question. that way it all shows up before the question becomes even visible to us)

Answer 9

Here's a harsh answer.

You are trying to take your fiancee's choices away from her by lying to her. I can understand why you might want to spare her pain, but it is not your decision to make. It is hers.

I can also understand that her decision to stay or go might cause you pain - pain that you might be reluctant to face given everything else you have to deal with right now. This does not change the fact that you are cheating her of the right to make that decision.

Let go of trying to control her. Reality is reality. Love is love.

It's pretty obvious from your question you love her. And I suspect she you.

Answer 10

Option 1 is the go. She can pick up the pieces without you, but she would probably be devastated if you faked your own death.