My 7 year old daughter with ADHD gets me so frustrated...anyone else??

Question

My 7 year old often leaves me in tears. She is VERY DEFIANT.She demands things and always refuses to do something unless she gets something in return. She takes her medication when she goes to school and in the afternoon when se gets home and she does fine, but there is a several hour period in the evening where the medication wears off and it is a total nightmare with her.
I often have to get my mother to come get her cause my nerves cannot handle it. I am 6 months preggo right now and i have a 8 months old son and I fear he'll pick up on her bad habits (screaming, throwing things, etc). Ive whipped her butt (please DONT confuse it with beating), tried taking things away, and I feel so guilty later cause I feel as though Ive been mean to her.. I know my hormones are whacked right now, but I always end up crying. I dont know if it's just frustration or guilt cause I think Ive punished her incorrectly...I love her so much but Iv gotten to where I hate being around her sometimes. HELP?

I would appreciate if there are no ugly comments posted...only people with children diagnosed with ADHD that are experienced on this subject are appreciated

Answer 1

I feel for you. My middle daughter is ADD and it's been a nightmare keeping her safe and on task. And yes, I've used spankings on her too. Not beatings. Spankings. They don't do any good, trust me. My child would rather get a spanking than be put in time out or given extra chores or corner time. She's 11, but she's been like this forever.

Anyway, here are a few suggestions. First, learn to walk away and breathe deeply before you attempt to deal with her. Being pregnant with a baby and an ADHD child to deal with is a tough thing to handle. Give yourself those few seconds to calm down and put on your best stern mommy face. Then go to your child and put her in a chair in time out. Let her know she's not getting up until she can control herself and until she can do what she's told. To make sure she does this, sit in a chair in front of her. When she tries to wiggle out of the chair, put her right back in it and make her keep her hands on her knees. She WILL scream and cry and try to get out of the chair, but you have to be firm and make her stay there no matter what. Most children take a long time to figure out that they're there until they can do what they're told. ADHD children will take even longer, but you can do it. You MUST do it or it'll only get worse. Leave your child in that chair until the crying stops, she starts to dry her tears and the screaming has made her voice go hoarse. Then, when she's calmer, tell her that you'll let her up if she'll do what she's told and then tell her why it's important for her to do it. ADHD kids need a lot of reinforcement and you often have to speak to them differently than you would other kids because their brains process information differently. When older, your son might understand "clean your room", but your daughter won't. She'll lose focus fast, get distracted or purposely just not do anything because it's not what she wants. For her you'd have to say, "pick up your books and put them on the shelf" or "put your shoes away". They need shorter instructions that are more specific and they need their punishments to last longer for the point to sink in. Time outs where you are guard dogging her movements are the best I've found. ADHD and ADD kids HATE sitting still. To have to sit still with mommy there, stopping them from moving at all means they can't do what they want and they can't leave and they can't purposely forget what they're supposed to be doing. They can't go play. They can't forget they are in time out for a reason and so that reason will have a bigger chance of being remembered by your child. If you can, have your mother come over and watch the 8 month old while YOU do this because your daughter has to learn to obey YOU, not grandma. YOU put her in time out. YOU guard dog her. YOU talk to her about what she's done wrong at the end of the punishment. YOU do it and after a few weeks, you'll notice her behavior improving. A little bit at first, but more and more as time goes on. PLUS, never stop doing it even when she does improve. ADHD need A LOT of maintenance and reinforcement. If you slack, she'll slack and be twice as hard to put back in place later.

Ok, now once her time out is done and she's agreed to do what she's told and stop her temper tantrums, let her do whatever it was and then show her the rewards for being good. Give her a treat and tell her, "mommy is proud of you for being good (doing what I said, etc). Because you were such a good girl, you get to...(play a game, watch tv, have a cookie, etc). Reward and praise her as soon as she starts stepping in line. This shows her that she will be punished and her screams ignored when she does wrong, but she will be praised and rewarded when she does right. This makes a more lasting impression and the lesson lasts longer. Right now, all she's learning is that if she is bad enough, she's going to get to go to Grandma's house and be pampered like a pet and get all of the attention. I know it has helped you keep your sanity, but you are making the problem worse by showing her that bad behavior can get her what she wants. Trust me, my 11 year old is like that and I have to be very careful that I don't give her that kind of reward. In fact, if she's too bad, she stays home with me while the other two kids go to grandma's instead. She hates that.

Anyway, I've tried every punishment I could think of, but the only one that's ever worked it constant reinforcement and monitoring in the punishments, and reward and praise for good behavior. After a while, it won't take so much work to punish her (IE: You sitting in a chair in front of her), but for the first few months, you have to do it. Stare at her as she sits there and let her know you're not going to let her slide out of it. If she screams too much, put a walkman on and smile at her as you listen to your music, but sit there and don't even let her wiggle even a little. Just keep putting her back in place every time she tries to get out of it. It's exhausting, but it works and will help make the future better for you both.

I hope that helps. If you need more, just ask. My daughter isn't on any meds at all as I'm too scared of side effects, so all of her good behavior has had to come by teaching her in this method. Also, you might want to talk to her doc about fixing the dosage of her meds somehow. Maybe she can take a lower doage more often throughout the day? Or maybe there are better meds for her? I don't know as I have no experience with that part, but I know doages can be fixed sometimes.

Good luck and let me know if there's anything else I can do to help.

PS: I understand the hate thing. I love my baby too, but when she stole three of her sister's gameboys, my birthday money and the money I had set aside for bills, I really began to wonder if I shouldn't give her to someone else. (That's not even the worst things she's done.)It's only with hard work and patience and the methods I've described above that I've managed to hold on to her and keep her safe in spite of it all. Don't feel bad. All mothers going through what you have been feel that way. At the core, your love is there even when you don't realize it. Hang in there.

Also, I don't believe that 'can't help it' stuff. To a point that might be true, but I also believe that sooner or later, she'll have to learn to control it. As adults, they won't have happy lives if they're doing wrong in between medication. They have to learn to take responsibility for their actions with or without the meds and since your daughter and mine have a condition that makes this hard, they need even more attention, love and reinforcements for a longer period of time. My kids are 16, 11 (ADD) and 3. My 3 year old was starting to pick up some bad habits from my 11 year old, but time out taught her to behave and its a really good tool for calming her down too. Just the threat of sitting in the 'red chair' is enough for the 3 year old. The 11 year old actually has to be sat in it as she usually is very clever and finds ways to get out of any other punishment. I was lucky. My 16 year old was a bit naughty, but mostly as good as gold all her life. The 3 year old has a bad temper, but is easily calmed and corrected. The 11 year old is the one that needs the most effort, but she is learning. It takes a while, but she's getting there.

Answer 2

My 7 year old son is the same way. I have been reduced to tears so many times by him and still after years of going to doctors after doctors. He also has a mild case of ODD along with the ADHD or so they so. I am at wits end. And I do believe that younger children learn how to behave likewise. I have a 5 year old daughter and an almost 2 year old son and can see some of these learned behaviors coming out. I have been reading a book called The Explosive Child that my mom sent me and I am looking forward to seeing if some of their advice will work. Hang in there. Don't feel bad for needing a break every now and then. Stress isn't good for anyone especially pregnant women.

Answer 3

The first question is: Did you feel this way before you got pregnant? The second question: Did she ACT this way before you got pregnant?

Hormones during pregnancy are pretty intense. And the immediate aftermath as you already know.

I would suggest making a discipline plan (with a councilor?) and sticking firmly to it. I had similar behavior problems myself years ago, and all I really needed was strict rules which were ALWAYS followed. I could sense when I was going to get away with something. But when I was in an environment where I was given punishment and reward on a consistant basis, I felt safer.

If I was you I'd look into information for teachers. I took a class years ago at college on teaching elementary age children and you'd be suprised at the amazing tips and tricks they have. I'm sure you could use them with your daughter.

Again, draw up a plan. Like "if she starts screaming, then she must go to her room. If she keeps screaming, she loses tv watching...If she is good, she gets a star and after five stars she gets to go to the ice cream store"

That kind of thing. And let her know ahead of time what the punishments and the rewards will be. Then she'll feel like she has something to work for.

I'd look to teachers for inspiration though, they have to deal with a whole lot more!

Answer 4

Children NEED discipline and believe it or not they actually WANT it. When you fail to discipline your child you create an out of control monster. Disciplining her should not mean that you have to scream at her at the top of your lungs and that you hit her in anger. You should never spank with anger. No way.

My son is 7, when he acts up, the first thing he loses is TV. He doesnt' get to watch the TV very often anyway, so to lose it is like the end of the world. That includes anything he would use the TV for - to watch VHS tapes and DVDs. He has lost the TV for up to a week. If you set a consequence you have to follow through with it, because if you don't it's just an empty promise.

Now, honestly, what makes me sad here is that your daughter has been labled ADHD and is on medication when it sounds like you are flat out admitting that you aren't good witih discipline (if you feel guilty about it, it's a good bet that you're not doing it right) and when a child doesn't have discipline and wasn't raised, from AN EARLY AGE (toddler) with discipline, they are going to act out like your daughter is doing. Drugging her and labeling her is not the answer. The answer is for you to read a few books on discipline and how to properly use it.

By the way, I heard just the other day that it's a scientific fact that ADHD drugs physically shrink the brain, over time. Your child's brain is being shrunk. As a result, kids on ADHD drugs for years, often develop tics (involuntary twitching of their bodies). Dreadful stuff.

Answer 5

omg i can so relate, my daughter will be 5 in december and she has already been diagnoised with ADHD. its an EVERYDAY thing with her, the mood swings the not being able to sit still or follow simple directions, the screaming fits, the throwing things, the nasty names they call you. if she doesnt get what she wants when she wants it, its world war 3 over here, she runs in her room and screams and slams her door. ive tried just about everything also, spankings, time outs, taking toys away, not being able to go out and play ect... its very difficult and you are very right, only a parent with these kids can understand. she see's a therapist and even the therapist gets aggrivated with her. shes newly dianoised, but ive found the best way of punishment, is to put them at the kitchen table or something with no TV, or social interaction for a time out. it works sometimes, most times she doesnt care, but let her know why shes at the table and having a time out, then set a timer and ignore her till her time is up. keep a routine with this it may help, but as we know there very difficult kids. if it gets worse i would make an appt to see a therapist for her, it might help you get more insight on how to deal with her episodes. good luck i hope it gets better for you and her, happy holidays!

Answer 6

I understand how you feel. My 6 year old son is like that often. If you have "several" hours where her medication has worn off, you should talk to her doctor about a second, smaller evening dose. Our son takes focalin xr in the morning, and a smaller, faster release formula in the evening (there is NO way he could do homework without it). Having your mother take her isn't really a good option though. You are just reinforcing her habits of not listening to you. Investigate the "1,2,3 Magic" program. It helps take the stress out of discipline. Remember, if you are becoming angry and frustrated, it is because you are LETTING her cause that. Once you lose your cool, she's won the fight.

Good luck with her.

Answer 7

I have to question if she really has ADHD or is she just a BRAT? I have a 7 yr old daughter, also, and I think she sounds a lot like your child. I also have a 5 mo old daughter and I think most of her defiant behavior may be because of jealousy. Do you think that she is feeling left out because you are dealing with a baby and have another on the way? When did this difficult behavior actually start? She might just resent the fact that she has to share her mommy. As far as the guilt about punishment goes..I think that if you were abusive or uncaring, then you wouldn't have those feelings. Good luck to you.

Answer 8

You need a break from this child before you hurt her or go crazy yourself. You need some counselling to put you in control of this child. I think the medication isnt' wearing off at all, I think she knows she can push your buttons and that is exactly what she is doing because she gets a reaction from you. When my daughter was a bit older and doing the same thing, my psychiastrist told me to throw a glass of cold water in her face to get her attention and then calmly tell her to go to her room. If she started screaming etc, I was to go to my room, tell her I was taking a time out and not talk with her and just ignore her for 15 minutes. It took a while, but then I was able to gain control and deal with her better. Throwing a glass of cold water on her is not abuse, it is getting her attention.

Answer 9

Go to the Dr and have meds upped.it doesn't get any better and public schools make it worse.I should have homeschooled from the start.when she becomes dangerous to your family.let her go.you will ha ve the baby and as teens difficult children do do not care if they hurt u.I regret bringing her home when we bad to place her in juice.she's sorry now but it was he'll for a lot of years.Good luck.I know you love her but don't make the mistake I made and cause the baby to punished because you love her.I hope the meds work for you.

Answer 10

it is difficult in general to be pregnant with raging hormones and have other children with no behavioural issues, but having a daughter with medical behavioural problems is even more stressful.
I am unsure if you have tried using time out strategies etc, I know from personal experiences having a child that is not only A.D.H.D but also autistic that using all your basic parenting skills help, but seeking professional help worked wonders for me. They provided me with different strategies i could use as well as give me counselling to help with my increased stress levels and gave my son the opportunity to talk to someone about his own problems. Your daughter may have issues about your pregnancy. (who knows)
what I strongly suggest to you is that you pick your battles and set clear expectations on what you expect and what the rewards will be as well as the consequences.
Consistency is the key word for any child.

Answer 11

i have a 10, and 13. you have to tell your doctor when see they they might give her a afternoon half a pill dose to help in the evening.or the medicine is not working correctly but ask your doctor.my daughter now 13 has been on 4 different medicine since first grade. it does get somewhat easier as they get older good luck.it's hard to punish your kids. even when they contenly do the thing over and over to upset us.