Why is my mom doing this?

Question

Ok it's very strange. Her and my dad have been married for 25 years, but they aren't close at all. They aren't like all lovey dovey and i don't think i ever hear them say "i love you" to each other. I've never even seen them cuddle or hug. I've come to the conclusion that they don't love each other. Soon my mom is getting cosmetic surgery, she's also always getting manicures and other beauty stuff. She said after the surgery she is going to go to the tanning salon. Why is she trying to look better? I know a lot of her friends are rich so could she be trying to impress them? Or maybe trying to impress my dad (maybe she thinks he will like her better)? Or my worst fear is that she is doing this so that she could have an affair. I dont think this is about her feeling better about her own body image because she isnt a teenager who thinks beauty is about makeup and hair. I'm 17 and even i know real beauty comes from whats inside, i assume that if i know this she does too. So whats going on?

Ok i should have put this in earlier because everyone is getting the wrong idea about my dad. Its not like my dad just doesnt love her, he travels for his work so hes home only on weekends (no he isnt cheating his job is all about travel) and when he actually does come home my mom doesnt bother to spend any time with him!!! She just goes out to see her friends. So its her own fault if there is no affection from him. Even when he tries to get her to stay home it doesnt work. My mom is very materialistic and to her "pain is beauty". she even tried convincing me to get cosmetic surgery on myself when im older which i was surprised because i am fine with how i look. So you see its not her fault she doesnt get affection from my dad. If he tries she pushes away...

Answer 1

It sounds like she's been in a convenient marriage for a long time with no real affection. An affair? Maybe. The first warning sign is when one partner starts drastically changing their appearance. However, it could just be that she's hitting middle age and since you're almost grown she is starting to think about herself for a change. She could be trying to impress your father. Try talking to her about it without making it seem like you suspect she's up to something. Just say something like, "Mom, why all of the changes lately? I don't think you need surgery and all this stuff." See what she says. Women can have a 'midlife' crisis also. Doesn't mean they're going to have an affair. Best of luck hun!

Answer 2

Maybe she is just tired of the way that she looks and feels. Even though you never see your parents cuddle or hug or be lovey dovey to each other it does not mean that they do not love eachother. My parents are the same way. If your Mom starts feeling better about her self whats so wrong in that. Why don't you ask her why she wants the surgery. See what she has to say,.

Answer 3

As people get older sometimes they need a boost to make themselves feel better. You should be happy for your mom that she is taking time out to work on herself. Power to her!!! As for mom and dad...when you are married and with the same partner for so many years you get this comfort zone. You can express yourselves in other ways other than getting all "lovely Dovey" and cuddly hugging in front of people. That doesn't mean that they don't have a loving sexual relationship. Some couples are more reserved in public or around others. Don't stress, worry, panic or jump to conclusions things will be fine.

Answer 4

re: Why is she trying to look better?
......to bolster her obviously low/poor self esteem which may have been low since early childhood (most likely case) or been created by such an un-loving marriage.

re:reI know a lot of her friends are rich so could she be trying to impress them? Or maybe trying to impress my dad (maybe she thinks he will like her better)? Or my worst fear is that she is doing this so that she could have an affair.
......regardless of why she's doing this, the process of lifting one's self esteem is not just about 'looking better' - it's mostly about FEELING BETTER ABOUT YOUR SELF no matter what is going on in your outer life. Just fixing one's appearance will most likely do nothing to raise one's low self worth.

re:I dont think this is about her feeling better about her own body image because she isnt a teenager who thinks beauty is about makeup and hair. I'm 17 and even i know real beauty comes from whats inside, i assume that if i know this she does too. So whats going on?
.......I assume that she does not know that it comes from inside and also has no idea how to repair her poor self esteem and self respect! Maybe you could gently introduce your Mom to the principles and methods of self esteem building by looking into self esteem on line or in books.

good luck

Answer 5

Hi pinkeey1,
All of the reasons you mentioned about why you're mother is having cosmetic surgery & so on might be a possibility. But did it ever occured to you that the real reason you're mom is doing it is because she wants to look good? Because "looking good" is one way to help you "feel good about yourself". And obviously your mom doesn't have that "high esteem about herself". Every person wants to be noticed, loved and appreciated. And your mother didn't seem to get from your father. Do you know how frustrating and that is? Do you realize how demoralizing it is not to be appreciated and noticed? Let me ask you a question, how is your relationship with your mom? Is she open with you? My advise is to get to know her more in deep. Not that I'm assuming you're not close, but I've seen parents and children living in the same house for 25 years, eating on the same dining table with bedrooms side by side, yet they hardly knew each other at all. Get to know your mother in-depth and slowly you will get the answer on why she is changing.

Answer 6

Yes but because you are a teenager you have no idea how it feels to get old. What your mom is having is typically called a "mid life crisis". This behaviour is not indicative of her cheating on your father. There is as much pressure on teen girls by the media as there is on aging women, if not more. It sucks to watch things on your body move from their original spot and placement to their new location and shape. Many women will try very hard when this begins to happen to do anything to try and reverse it. We want our youth, we want to look like we did when we were young, that's all.

Answer 7

sweetie, i know a lot of couples who are not demonstrative at all but they are fiercely loyal to each other and they love each other deeply. not everyone likes to cuddle and hug and smooch in public.
as for your mum trying to look nicer thats pretty normal for women as they age, they want to keep themselves in good shape, it makes them feel better about themselves and gives them confidence.
i know once our kids hit their teens i was self concious about being too demonstrative when they were home, and concerned the kids might hear us, so we were rather conservative during those years. it may be your mum and dad feel the same way. some of us are just shy!
unless your parents tell you they are having marital problems, or getting a divorce, don't worry about it. i would bet that your parents are just fine and that they just like to keep their affection private.
okay? i hope this helps, and by the way don't listen to someone telling you it sounds like your mum is heading for an affair or anything, some people just like to say mean things! take care sweetie and relax, i'm sure it will all be fine.

Answer 8

Good luck Hon, but sometimes it's best to let some things just have a natural end...... or it might be a beginning...... don't jump to conclusions........ just let it ride and see where it goes.....

I hope for your sake that it isn't an affair........ but it's so hard to say......... your almost 18......... and if your close to your dad, just be there for him if thing fall apart completely...... like he will have to be there for you if things don't work out.........

Good luck

Answer 9

odd are that she DOES want to meet another man. sorry, hate to say it, but if u were in her situation, where she doesnt get any love and affection from your daddy, im sure u'd want to go on the prowl for a new love. she deserves to be happy. u should respect her decision to move on with her life.

Answer 10

Honestly....it sounds like an affair is in the making....

Tell both your parents how you miss quality family time, and suggest that you all go out to dinner.

Good luck.