Please take the time to read this as I REALLY need advice!!!?

Question

i have been with my bf for about a month and a half. we are both pretty young 26 & 20. i know this is totally toooo early but right from the start everything just seems right and seemed to fit and we would talk about the future, kids and all. we both talked about how crazy it was that we were feeling that way but we just did. well everything was really great until this past weekend when we started talking about religion (i was questioning him a lot b/c we believe different things) and we were drinking and i was bugging him about what faith our kids would be and stuff like that. i get a lot of obsessive thoughts that come along w/ anxiety and panic and somtimes don't think clearly. anyway, we got intoa drunken fight about it and almost broke up (most of which i can't even remember). we talked the next day a bit about what happened and he said everything was ok. since then he has been VERY different. like distant and unattentive. i was talling him this and he....

brought up what happened and said it really scared him and we got into a big discussion about it. i asked him what was different about this time (b/c he talks about that kind of stuff too) and he said it just hit him and he had time to think about it. anyway, tonight we had a LONG talk and things actually seem to be good now. it seems everything is back to normal. we agreed to take things slow. he says he still feels the same way but is scared and wants to take things slow. do you think if i back off and let nature takes it's course, he will open up to the idea of that stuff again?
i know it is probably nuts that i even want to talk about that kind of thing after such a short amount of time but pretty much since i met him i just had this weird feeling that i've never had before that he was the one.
i want things to work out and i know i need to back off or i really will turn him off and scare him away.
do you think he still feels the same way? (he was the one that started all the...

future/marriage/baby talk to begin with). do you think he'll com back around?

also, how do i live more for the moment and not worry so much about the future and where this is going??? i know i might have a right to wonder maybe after a year but after a month i am feeling like this.
and also, how long into a relationship should you know if it's headed toward marriage or not? i am at a point in my life where i am not willing to date just for fun unless it has the potential of going somewhere. does that make any sense? i have made this clear to him when we started dating and again tonight.

do you think if i chill out and calm down he'll come back around????

thanks for reading this.

G_U_C... you said "1) Would/could having the discussion later change the outcome? This may affect timing".
that's an interesting point. do you think if i push now it could really push him away BUT if i wait and he falls more i love w/ me and we have a greater bond the outcome could be different?

Answer 1

girl that was a long one, but i think that once you meet the one you know so i think that he might be the one for you. i think you just scared him a little with that back off for a bit and let nature take its course. i know what you mean about worrying about stuff like that because i used to do it too, but i have learned by practice to just ease up and take it how it goes. good luck

Answer 2

Wow, a lot of questions… =).. Its sweet though…Ok I’m a little older, I’m a guy and I know a few things about dating so here goes.

PACING THE BEGINNING OF YOUR RELATIONSHIP
I always say that any advice you get about a relationship only matters half as much because only the two people IN the relationship TRULY know how things are going. So with that in mind, you have to really read the guy you’re with. Some guys can handle a serious conversation early on in the relationship and others can’t. Difficult as it can be, its your job to gauge that. Maybe test it by introducing a difficult topic. If there’s resistance, back-off.

Generally, MOST people don’t get into conversations that are too heavy right at the start. Moreover, (and this sounds dumb, but all dating books say this and it works) avoid conflicts and fights at the beginning of the dating phase. (This is of course assuming that you like the guy and you both don’t repulse each other from minute one.)

So… No fighting!

(…in the beginning)

DEFINE YOUR PRIORITIES BEFORE YOU DATE
Some people define their priorities BEFORE they date. For example, some people will only date people that go to their Church or that have the same religion but that may not be your priority. Your priority may be to just meet a great guy and if it IS, then you’ll have to not make religion such a big deal. The thing about a well-defined priority is that you can only have ONE, so pick one and then pace the beginning of your relationship (above).

HOW TO BACK-OFF / BE COOL
In one word? Self-investment a.k.a. get busy with your own stuff and concentrate on it.

A SMALL WORD ABOUT GUYS
Guys don’t handle stress very well, or they handle stress way differently than women. For a guy to feel comfortable with a girl, he has to think of her as his ‘fun zone’ – a person he relaxes and has a good time with. Don’t change yourself to do it – simply bring out the fun part of you that he’s already being enjoying so far and stay there until you can read (or feel) that he’s ready for a more serious conversation.

Once again, noone knows what’s TRULY happening in your relationship except the two of you. Being in a relationship means learning about each other. Learning includes making mistakes, so now that you’ve made one, you’re a few steps ahead. Just read your guy more carefully and you’ll be fine.

Answer 3

You have outlined the answer already. You, yourself, need to answer two questions:
1) Do you need to talk about this?
2) Do you need to talk about this NOW?

The answer to #1 is 'yes' and you already know that. Right now, you are trying to figure out the answer to question #2 (with a bit of rationalization, I think) It's really going to come down to what you want/need right now. Even if you accept that logically it is too early to NEED this to be resolved, your emotions may insist on immediate action.

Stop. Take a deep breath. Think it through. Consider a couple questions.

1) Would/could having the discussion later change the outcome? This may affect timing.
2) If you delay the discussion, will you feel that you have somehow cheated yourself if you don't like the outcome? You gave some indication with comments about not wanting a relationship to be just "fun"

You are working against the unknown. Yet, an important part of the answer is how you feel, not what he does.

Answer 4

Sweetheart, you're worrying too much. If he's the one, then he's the one. But if he isn't, then there are other ones out there .... you don't want to be alone with your thoughts, then it's probably better to find a way of channelling these thoughts into something more constructive. And lay off the booze - more relationships are broken down as a result of fights had when drunk.

Keep your mind occupied with things you CAN control. Study things that interest you and lead you in different directions, and don't fret about stuff like this. It will work out fine, with or without him.

Answer 5

Wow! That's intense! First, there is no formula for knowing when you KNOW. My French teacher got engaged after 9 months of dating, my parents took 3 years, and I read a story about a couple that got engaged 2 WEEKS after they MET!!! (They were married over 50 years, until he died of cancer)

It's really hard to be married with different religious beliefs. There's really something special about going to service together and being able to pray together. You deffinetly should NOT have kids until you've worked out how you're going to raise them. Different religions can wreck a kids view of life, his parents, and heaven. (Is Mom or Dad right? When I go to heaven, are they both going to be there...? ect.)

He may be the one, but it sounds like a good idea to take things slow.

Oh, and don't get drunk! Bad, stupid, sometimes dangerous things happen when you're impaired.

Answer 6

Man, drunken discussions of religion will get you into trouble every time. Worst is there are so many valid things to actually fight about.

26 is not too young at all. 20, maybe.

A few months into a relationship is way way too early to start talking about family.

Chill. Seriously.

Answer 7

at 26 i had been married for 5 years and our first child was on the way --- so dont think you are too young to be contemplating marriage --- its sounds to me like he is getting cold feet nothing more ---- maybe sit down and ask a different question --- what do you want from the relationship??? and you both answer and see if and where there are differences ---- then you will have something concrete to work with ---- best wishes

Answer 8

Didnt read all of it too long. You are what 20? if its the other way around hes to young to think of that yet. My cousin got married at 18 got divorced 2 yrs later. Think with your brain as well as your heart. To much talk about the future scares the crap out of guys. Calm it down and be fine for what you have right now. Good Luck

Answer 9

its good to plan.. but its not good to expect..
expectations ruin the relationship.. like you expect him to do that or this.. then he didnt.. you started to feel something bit different..

there's no such thing as perfect love.. the only thing you can do to make it SOMEHOW is to be Satisfied.. ^_^

you will never know when to get married.. its up to you too.. if you are both ready to move another step higher or deeper relationship.. but make sure that you both know each other very well.. thats for you to understand each others reaction just incase of.. you know.. misunderstanding and stuff.. so.. this is it.. hope it'll help you..

Answer 10

well...this is complex, i think it's not soon to talk about it, you should talk about everything. my parents are from different religious backgrounds and are in a 25+ year marriage and still in love (really, no exaggeration) you have to be tolerant of each-others differences, my parents respect each-other so out of that respect we always celebrated all holidays, from each side, i went to both churches and was educated on both in order to make my own (informed) decision. all religions have that in common, respect and love, so all you need to do is focus on the basics and leave the technicalities out of it. good luck.